Category: King

Board of Directors · Caid · Community Standards · King · Potrero · Royal Peer · Sanctions

Snarky amateur critics ousted from Caid royal court; replaced by the insightful social commentary of puppets

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BARONY OF ALTAVIA, CAID — Two months ago, in an attempt to conduct a more dignified court, the King and Queen quietly banished those individuals who are known for making sarcastic, albeit hilarious, remarks from the back of royal court.

“To me, the SCA is all about pageantry and ritual,” remarked Their Majesty in an interview conducted just after the banishments had been announced, “When certain people make unsolicited comments from a partially obscured place in court, it really takes from everybody else’s experience. Oh, I know many people claim to enjoy the comments, but they’re just being nice. What the people really want is a court that conducts itself with the utmost seriousness.”

“That having been said,” interjected His Majesty, “We are well aware that the populace enjoys the social commentary, so we have invited two individuals new to our kingdom to provide this commentary while conducting themselves with the utmost courtesy and decorum. Lords Statler and Waldorf are certain to add the solemnity our courts so sorely need.”

Since then, it has been noted amongst the Caidan populace that Their Majesties are at the moment regretting this decision. Seemingly ignorant of Lords Statler and Waldorf’s modern occupation, the Crowns have spent subsequent royal courts on the receiving end of an amount of mean-spirited heckling never before observed outside of discussions regarding the Board of Directors.

During a point of the primary royal court at Consort’s Champion, in which the king held forth at length about how unusual it is for him to get choked up while presenting an award (despite getting choked up at EVERY royal court, sometimes on multiple occasions), Lord Statler was heard to stage-whisper to Lord Waldorf, “Do you believe in life after death?” Lord Waldorf responded: “Every time I leave one of his courts!”

This behavior was repeated two weeks later at Potrero War, where the lively lords broke up a particularly tedious knighting with their inimitable brand of heckling. When reprimanded by Their Majesties, Lord Statler again stage-whispered to his companion, “The SCA is a completely different culture isn’t it?”

Lord Waldorf agreed, declaring, “You said it! Everything here is immediately followed by sarcastic comments and nasty responses!”

“Yup,” replied Lord Statler, “We’re finally where we belong!” As is becoming habit, both lords proceeded to burst into obnoxious laughter.

The SCAllion asked the lords about their new roles following the royal court at Lyondemere Investiture, Lord Statler commented on the court experience under Their Majesties: “You know, there’s nothing like a truly decorous court.”

“Yep, and that was nothing like it!” answered Lord Waldorf.

When asked whether they were concerned that their remarks would end in banishment, Waldorf remained confident. “It’s not going to happen. Maybe if the Crown had minions that weren’t so utterly lazy or useless with simple tools like screwdrivers…” Lord Waldorf continuing “We can’t be kicked out! We’re bolted to the seats!”

“Besides,” added Lord Statler, “After sitting through a few of their courts, banishment would be a reprieve!”

“We could really go for a good R&D right about now,” asserted Lord Waldorf.

Despite the established conflict between the two parties,The SCAllion is certain that, on this point, Their Majesties would agree. The SCAllion has also noted that despite the rather zingy one-liners, even then it is not clear whether or not Community Standards would apply as a reason for any sort of Revocation and Denial of Benefits or if it would apply to Lords Statler and Waldorf.

P.S.: Jaws says we should note that Statler & Waldorf are owned by Disney, and not by us.

King · Queen · Royal Peer · From the Newsroom · Advice · Knowne World

Goody Advice: Allies, royalty, and more

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Do you have a burning question about a situation that happened in the SCA and want to ask Goody? You can write to Goody at this form. Questions may be truncated for publication, and submitted questions may not be answered.

Dear Goody, 
I’m not part of the LGBTQIA+ community myself, but I want to support my SCA friends who are part of that community, particularly during Pride Month.  What are some good substantive ways to do that?  
— I Know That the A in LGBTQIA+ Isn’t For “Ally” 

Dear Ally, There are so many ways you can help, but I can think of two really important ones:

First, make sure people know that you are an ally and that you are a safe person. Possibly find a way to display a rainbow or other ally token to make it very clear. Recently I have seen new rainbow peerage medallions, rainbow knight chains, rainbow ribbons and brooches being worn by LGBTQIA+ and allies. This visibility brings a lot of comfort to those who could use it. 

The second way is to help call out bigots when they are being awful, especially during Pride. It’s sad, those who need to hurt others just to feel better about their own lives, but they are always out there. When they speak, answer louder. There are more allies than deeply terribly people and it might be good for them to know they are in the minority now. Maybe it will be helpful for them to experience some of the discomfort they enjoy causing so they can learn a little empathy. Well, we can hope.

Hope this helps,

Goody Advice

Dear Goody, 
I’ve been playing in the SCA for many years now but I am still confounded as to proper interaction with royalty. I cannot keep straight how to address them and what the protocol is, and by and large try to steer clear of them as much as possible, as they seem to be this rarified and unreachable group who swanks around events in a cloud of retainers. Any words of advice? 
Thanks, 
Stupefied Serf

Dear Stupefied, 

It happens to the best of us. There are a lot of royals and royal peers, especially if you attend an interkingdom event. At wars it’s just hats galore and with standards of different kingdoms, well, good luck? If you are ever stuck, try this absolute truth: “Hi Your… um, I’m sorry, I don’t know your proper form of address, will you please tell me so I have it correct?” Trust me, they will tell you and probably won’t be dicks about it. If they are, note that name and let a few of your friendly neighborhood peers know about it and the problem will magically work itself out.  

Also, there are some good guides on hats and regalia available online. Print them out and play “Royal & Count” (yes, that is a pun) with your friends. Rack up points for each bestowed peerage, Roses, Count/ess, Duke/Duchess, Prince/Princess, King/Queen, Territorial Noble and Court noble. Maybe the winner gets help striking camp or a nice beverage of their choice. 

Hope this helps,
Goody Advice

Dear Goody, 
People keep asking how a friend introduced his wife into the SCA. Truth is she started playing 35 years ago, and he found it through her 8 years ago, people keep referring to her as Ulric’s Wife and forget she has a name. Is this a common problem? 
-OfAethwulf

Dear OfAthelwulf, 

Fantastic Atwood reference there. Seriously, <chef kiss>. Now, on to the advice: It really sucks when one member of a couple or family becomes more SCA-famous than the other or others. The best rebuttal to this is that any time you hear someone referred to as “Ulric’s wife” or “Caitlyn’s kid” interject the person’s name and interrupt the conversation. “Alys, you mean Alys, Ulric’s wife. That’s her name. Let’s use it.”

It seems painfully simple and a bit rude, but sometimes you have to squash down the polite and just make a firm point. Everyone deserves to be their own person, with their own agency, and their own name. Humans are not accessories and good on you for paying attention to this issue. No matter if m’lady “Alys” has been in society for 35 years or 35 minutes, she still gets to have her own name rather than just being someone’s other. 

Hope this helps,
Goody Advice

An Tir · Board of Directors · Chivalry · King · Peerage · Sanctions

Would-be squire hospitalized after King attempts Solomonic solution to dispute between knights

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BARONY OF ADIANTUM, AN TIR — Kingdom and branch seneschals are left scrambling to undertake no end of damage control today, after a dispute between two members of the Order of the Chivalry culminated in a gruesome incident during the closing court for the Egil Skallgrimson Memorial Prize Tourney, or “Egil’s”.

At the center of the dispute is local fighter, Jǫrundr Narfason, an up-and-comer in the An Tir tournament circuit. Since he began fighting last year, Narfason has been noted to have developed informal coaching relationships with both Sir William Molyneux of Hastings and Jarlskona Guðríðr Fritjofsdottir. It has been widely assumed that Narfason would be taken as a squire by either one or the other before the end of the year.

As predicted, Sir William requested and was granted time during the closing court to announce his intention to take Narfason as his squire. Before the knight had finished his declaration, he was interrupted by Jarlskona Guðríðr, who angrily declared her intention to do the same. Onlookers reported that Narfason appeared “green around the gills” at this point. Their majesties did their best to smooth the dispute over with schtick, but the two knights were having none of it, calling for their swords and drowning out the protests of the Kingdom Earl Marshal.

Finally, His Majesty was struck by what can only be referred to as Not His Best Idea. An infrequent church-goer who is known among his fellow brethren for not having an attention span long enough to hear the point of the biblical parables, the king suggested that they look to the wisdom of Solomon in deciding who would take Narfason as squire. King Solomon, famed for his wisdom, once settled a dispute over a baby between two women, both of whom claimed to be the baby’s mother. Solomon responded by suggesting that they split the baby right down the middle and each woman could have half of the child. Not being familiar with the end of the story (in which the solution proved unnecessary) and the potential ramifications for Narfason, both Sir William and Jarlskona Guðríðr agreed to this solution. Jǫrundr Narfason, was not consulted and subsequently had to be restrained by his potential squire brothers from both knights.

When His Majesty, known for being a vocal proponent of following through immediately and the “Deeds, not Words” philosophy, demanded the Sword of State. As the Kingdom Seneschal brought him up to speed on the consequences of the proposal, His Majesty was seen to also go “green around the gills.” However, keeping true to his philosophy by proving his resolve through deed, the King made an unsuccessful attempt to follow through. Jǫrundr Narfason’s managed to evade the attempt, leaving everyone else relieved at the lack of necessary paperwork. 

After the close of that disastrous court, it is reported that Sir William and Jarlskona Guðríðr decided to let bygones be bygones by going out for lunch together after leaving the site. Witnesses say that when the bill arrived, Sir William suggested they go halvsies, to which Jarlskona Guðríðr replied: “Too soon, dude.”

Friends report that Jǫrundr Narfason is on the mend and is expected to make a full, albeit slow, recovery. His doctors have declined to comment on his current condition or his ability to pass along the noble name of Narfason.

His Majesty has been suspended, pending investigations by both the local authorities and the Board of Directors, while Her Majesty has graciously agreed to finish out the remainder of their royal commitments single handedly.

Rumour has it that there is a growing vocal contingent advocating for the Solomonic solution to replace the buffet – a move that has surprised absolutely no one.

Armored Combat · Chivalry · Community Standards · Crown Tournament · King · Midrealm · Peerage

Midrealm Crown Tournament Decided by Increasingly Harder Cup Shots after Finalists Fight to a “Draw”

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BARONY OF STERNFELD, THE MIDDLE –  Shocked and horrified onlookers were forced to witness a spectacle never before seen in a Crown Tournament final this past weekend: Both competitors fought to what they decided was a “Draw” and mutually agreed to decide the outcome by increasingly harder cup shots, with only one left standing at the end, though likely irreparably damaged.

The finals, to be decided between Duke Fritz von Schmetterlingstrosse and newcomer and baby knight Sir Malcom Blakehalloc, were fought to an ugly draw when neither combatant could hit the other with a shot hard enough for the other to accept, with each claiming the other “just wasn’t getting there”. After a brief pause in the action, the two met alone at the center of the list and, after a short discussion, they threw down their shields and announced their intent to the marshals and populace. When the marshals approached the Crown, King Steffan Panzerschreck declared “I’ll allow it,” and the grim spectacle went on.

Each competitor hit the other firmly in the cup with increasingly more powerful shots, and more than a dozen spectators either passed out, vomited, or both, during the match. Local EMS was called, not for the finalists, but for the populace forced to witness the terrifying display. When asked for comment, the general consensus among the populace was something along the lines of “I mean, we really don’t want either of them reproducing, but this might be a little extreme, even for the Chiv.”

No word yet if the variance in the determination of the winner was allowed per the community standards.

Ealdormere · King · Queen · Sanctions

Local Barony Member Inducted into the Order of the Missing Stair

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BARONY OF SKRAELING ALTHING, EALDORMERE – Local Barony member Launslote du Letch was inducted into the brand new Ordre de l’Escalier Manquant by Her Majesty Ruxandra Zabellyska of Ealdormere. Since he did not have an Award of Arms, Launslote was thrilled with his new status, as he believed inclusion in the order automatically conferred an AoA. The Queen did not disabuse him of the notion. 

In an exclusive interview with The SCAllion, Her Majesty said, “We’ve had problems with du Letch for years. He has caused several uncomfortable situations with femme and non-binary members of my kingdom, but his behavior usually does not cross the line into a reportable offense, and when it does, his victims are too traumatized or frightened to report it. Unfortunately, Launslote is a member of Duke Bedyvere Brasenhed’s household and calling out a friend of the Once and Future King is seen as politically problematic for a lot of vulnerable people.”

The Ordre de l’Escalier Manquant is a new award for the Kingdom and does not confer any precedence. Meistari Bosi Englandsfari, the Principal Herald of Ealdormere explained how the award came to be, “Before she was a peer, Ruxandra never received an explicit confirmation from the Kingdom Seneschal as to whether the SCAdian who had attacked her at a camping event had been officially reprimanded or if he faced any repercussions. Because she felt the “business side” of the Society never supported her and due to various other incidents she and I have observed in our 20+ years in the SCA, at her Curia she created this new order, the Ordre de l’Escalier Manquant. The award recipients are receiving appropriate recognition for actions and behaviors below the threshold of action for the ‘business side’, but she has also created a way for others to recognize those who may exhibit problematic behaviors.”

“Marginalized people usually have a way of communicating about bad actors,” Queen Ruxandra said tiredly. “The Kingdom’s policies about secrecy make it hard to protect ourselves. Since they will be listed in the Kingdom OP, I just made it easier to figure out who they are.” 

Princess Quiteria Cerrada, the Queen’s heir, seeing the success of the new Order has vowed to create an additional order called the “Ordre de l‘Escalier Cassé” as a step down for the recipients of the previous award. “Let them think they are getting a Grant of Arms,” Princess Quiteria said, “I am tired of creepers being a part and parcel of The Dream.” The Ordre de l’Escalier Cassé comes with a banishment from the presence unless a higher level banishment is currently in force. 

Chivalry · Defense · East · King · Laurel · Peerage · Pelican · Queen · Rose · Royal Peer

East Kingdom peerages agree on standard fealty oath

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BARONY OF SETTMOUR SWAMP, THE EAST — In a move which has been met with surprise and astonishment, the combined peerage orders of the Kingdom of the East have unanimously approved a standard fealty oath for use by all peers throughout the kingdom who wish to swear fealty.

 According to sources in-Kingdom, King Báetán mac Fergaile and Queen Coblaith ingen Fechtnaig asked their peerage orders to create a standardised oath in the aftermath of the specialised, incredibly lengthy,  fully-documented period oath given to them this weekend by Magistra Ahelissa de Glack.  Now known widely as The Oath of Two Score Terms And Twelve, it was 20 minutes long and kept Their Majesties from badly-needed bathroom breaks.

The official form of the new standard oath is recorded in several languages, to enable some flexibility for peers of different cultural personae.

For example, the Latin form of the oath is thus:

Non te dedam
Non te deficiam
Non vagabor et deseram te
Non te lacrimabit
Non dicam vale
Non mendiar et laedam te

For those peers with Jewish personae, the Hebrew form of the oath reads:

לעולם לא אוותר עלייך
לעולם לא אאכזב אותך
לעולם לא אתרוצץ סביב ואעזוב אותך
לעולם לא אגרום לך לבכות
לעולם לא אומר להתראות
לעולם לא אספר שקר ואפגע בך

Peers from the Arabic-speaking regions may enjoy this version:

لن أتخلى عن الأمل فيك
لن أخذلك
لن أركض وأتركك
لن أجعلك تبكي
لن أقول وداعا
لن أقول لك كذبة وأجرحك

The Middle English form of the oath is as follows:

Ich schall relinquishe þe nevere
Ich schall faile þe nevere
Ich schall rave awei nevere, nor leve þe
Ich schall encausen þe wepest nevere
Ich schall sprece ileve niminge nevere
Ich schall sprece gabbe nevere nor bane þe

Translations in other languages are available from Baroness Theodhild, Brigantia Herald.

Asked to explain the words chosen, Lærifaðir Gunni Stillingr, a member of the Order of Laurel who assisted with the translations explained, “It’s not that strange a move, it’s important that everyone involved knows what the rules are.   Fealty is about making a full commitment.”

Despite the unanimous vote, some peers are not entirely on board with the new standard wording.  “This is against all the traditions of the East,” complained Baron Estienne Flambard, a long-time Pelican. “But their Majesties know the game, they’re going to play it, and we have to go along. If you ask me how I’m feeling about this whole situation, well, my heart’s been aching since it was announced.”

Master Ricardus de Asteleghe, a Bardic Laurel, was more enthusiastic.  “We’ve known this move was coming for so long,” he gushed.   “I love it, and I’m not too shy to say it.  I never want to give this up.”

Sources close to Theodhild Brigantia report that she spent the day after the announcement staring into the middle distance with a bottle of wine, muttering, “So it’s come to this.”

Ansteorra · Defense · King · Rapier Combat

Kingdom of Ansteorra to decide next Rapier Champion with hot chilies eating contest

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STRONGHOLD OF HELLSGATE, ANSTEORRA – The SCAllion was lucky to land the exclusive news that the kingdom of Ansteorra has made the momentous decision to choose their next Rapier Champion with a hot chilies eating contest.

Crown Prince Sir Archebold fitz John, known modernly as a locally famous restaurateur, came up with the idea which he then floated to the Crown and Kingdom Seneschal. Upon receiving the go ahead, he commented: “This is going to be a groundbreaking event for our great kingdom. We have so many incredible fighters, any of whom could win a traditional Rapier Championship, but how many of them can stand the capsicum? Well, we’re going to find out. This Rapier Tournament, sponsored by Crazy Archie’s Barbecue and Taco Emporium, will truly decide who in our kingdom can stand the heat! We’re also in talks with First We Feast’s Sean Evans for the eventual victor to appear on a future episode of Hot Ones.”

Rapier fighters were skeptical of His Highness’ idea, with some storming out of a recent Masters of Defense meeting in protest. Master Odalric Chastelose was quoted as saying: “Rapier Champs is sacred! It’s supposed to be decided by who is the best fighter, who can take the most pain! No, not like that…”

At last report, the Ansteorran Rapier Champs Tournament was in its 38th round with five competitors still standing. The empty crates of Carolina Reapers and Scorpion peppers are starting to clog the hallway, and there appears to be no end in sight. The SCAllion will remain on site until the bitter end to report on the results of this latest Rapier Champs Tournament.

Heraldry · King · Knowne World · Lochac

BREAKING: Most-likely-not-Duke of Lochac Indicted

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BARONY OF STORVIK, ATLANTIA – CNN reports that Republican Congressman George Santos has been charged by the United States Department of Justice in a federal criminal probe.

The indictment is sealed, so it is unclear whether The SCAllion‘s allegations that Santos falsely claimed various positions in the Society for Creative Anachronism including multiple reigns as King of Lochac are included in the charges. The SCAllion will be monitoring this story carefully.

As a follow-up to the original story, the Lochac College of Heralds responded back to Representative Santos’ claims as a prior king of Lochac.  Barunin Carolina Faustina von Cologne, Mouse Volant Herald and representative of the Lochac College of Heralds stated, “While we have intensely researched Mr. Santos’ claims, it seems that while he insists that he is what he says he is, we can’t quite seem to locate him within Canon Lore, nor has he contacted Canon Herald, who maintains our order of precedence.  Frankly, he got lost on a Maccas run, so, while we’re off the record, I think he’s just trying to pass a furphy around.”

Until a time where the indictment is unsealed, The SCAllion will continue to assume that lying about being Crown of a Society affiliate is not against community standards.

Artemisia · Arts and Sciences · King · Laurel · Peerage

Laurel given to King’s 4 year old for Barbie puppet show in Artemisia: King claims Laurel council signed off on elevation

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BARONY OF ONE THOUSAND EYES, ARTEMISIA – The King of Artemisia rocked the kingdom at an event this past weekend at Agincourt with the sudden elevation of his four year old daughter to the Order of the Laurel.

His Majesty Brion Wellesley was adamant that the Laurel was well deserved, and cited as his reasoning his daughter’s Barbie puppet show she put on in the royal room earlier in the day: “People need to understand, Isabelle is completely deserving of this accolade! She put on an entirely period Barbie show for everyone in the royal room this morning. Two of the peers present were even moved to tears! I immediately called the Laurels on site into a Laurel council together and they absolutely signed off on this. I don’t even know what nepotism means, why do you keep using that word? Anyway, there’s nothing wrong with what We did today.”

None of the five Laurels present at the event were willing to go on record with comments, but a Master of Defense did speak with The SCAllion on condition of anonymity. Master [redacted] said: “Shocking, but not unexpected. He is so wrapped around that kid’s finger it’s not even funny. He came to us and tried to tell us she deserved a collar because she was really good at Pin the Tail on the Donkey. I can’t even make his reasoning up, any version I would come up with would at least be believable. You wait, she’ll have a belt and chain before he’s off the throne.”

The SCAllion will remain nearby to monitor the ongoing saga of Isabelle and the apparent parade of awards she is likely to receive in the near future.

Avacal · Drachenwald · East · Insulae Draconis · King · Knowne World · Lochac · Queen · Real Life · Royal Peer

Coronation fealty snafu in UK and Lochac

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BARONY OF POLITARCHOPOLIS, LOCHAC – The Crown Prince and Princess of Lochac, Ruodeger Angist and Kiterna de Kaxtone, have stated that they were inspired by the example of King Charles III of England to call for all members of the Kingdom to swear an oath of allegiance at their upcoming coronation.  “We thought it would be fun,” said Prince Ruodeger, “and since Charles had already scheduled his Coronation on top of ours, we felt fine about nicking his idea.”

The idea has not been well received, either in the UK or in Lochac. However, it seems likely that more people would be willing to swear such an oath in Lochac than in the UK, since a SCAllion poll suggests that as many as 15 Lochacians said they might consider it, which is a significantly higher number than in  the United Kingdom. 

The most common response on the poll in both Lochac and the UK was “I’m on smoko, leave me alone.”

The Kingdom of Avacal also has a coronation in May, and The SCAllion asked them to comment.  Oddly enough, they didn’t seem to care.  The East does not have a coronation in May. The SCAllion did not ask them to comment, but they keep calling and leaving messages on our voicemail saying that the East, too, is on smoko.