From the Newsroom · Real Life

Announcement: inspired by WGA strike, SCAllion reporters have opted to unionize.

BARONY OF HOLLEKE TOR, KINGDOM OF AETHER –  When the suggestion was made, the entirety of the newsroom agreed to start unionizing  immediately, citing the long and underpaid hours spent researching regulations about alligators and their status as an invasive species, reporting on the Society for Creative Anachronism Board of Directors’ latest choices and gaffes, and checking into the veracity of certain politicians’ claims to duchies. One reporter (who preferred to remain anonymous for fear of retaliation) claimed their motivation for joining was the lack of documented community standards: “The [Editor-in-Chief] won’t write them down anywhere,” they complained.

The newsroom has retained the services of Mandibula Pistrix, a labor mediator and Jaws’ third cousin, who says that she is looking forward to sinking her teeth into helping the new union write a watertight collective bargaining agreement. “I haven’t had anything this juicy to work on in a while,” she said, grinning broadly.

Mandibula is working with the Satirical Topics and Related Bursts of Unironic Knowledge Service (STARBUCKS) which has had a great deal of recent success with unionizing efforts. Initial discussion has centered on whether  the newsroom staff are properly “partners,” “minions,”or has been previously reported with respect to the interns, “a murder of crows.”  Mandibula commented, “Should the murder of crows unionize, the ramifications for avian/human labor relations could be  far-reaching.  Several cat cafés have already approached me and after knocking my stapler off my desk, asked to be kept informed of any progress.” 

The prospective union is being formed as Local 101 of Satire Writers Of the Luminous Ether (SWOLE 101).

When asked for comment, the Editor-in-Chief said, “I mean, you can strike if you want, I guess – bearing in mind that I already don’t (and can’t) pay you. But if you want to start a union, I’m not going to stop you.”


From the Newsroom · Knowne World · Real Life

The SCAllion breaks 2000 Facebook followers!

Hey, it’s us at The SCAllion again, breaking the fourth wall. We have been notified by Maximilian our Marking Intern that we have broken 2000 followers on Facebook. Wow. 

When we started this project in January, it was because we wanted to have fun and remember the reasons that we started hanging out with these wonderful, snarky people who dress in funny clothes for their weekends. Little did we expect that our small side gig would turn into a blog read by thousands daily. 

While on one hand we wish there hadn’t been quite so much drama to feed our pens, on the other hand, it has helped us process the events of these last four months. We hope it has helped you make sense of things as well and given you joy and laughter in the mix. 

In Service,

The SCAllion

Avacal · Drachenwald · East · Insulae Draconis · King · Knowne World · Lochac · Queen · Real Life · Royal Peer

Coronation fealty snafu in UK and Lochac

BARONY OF POLITARCHOPOLIS, LOCHAC – The Crown Prince and Princess of Lochac, Ruodeger Angist and Kiterna de Kaxtone, have stated that they were inspired by the example of King Charles III of England to call for all members of the Kingdom to swear an oath of allegiance at their upcoming coronation.  “We thought it would be fun,” said Prince Ruodeger, “and since Charles had already scheduled his Coronation on top of ours, we felt fine about nicking his idea.”

The idea has not been well received, either in the UK or in Lochac. However, it seems likely that more people would be willing to swear such an oath in Lochac than in the UK, since a SCAllion poll suggests that as many as 15 Lochacians said they might consider it, which is a significantly higher number than in  the United Kingdom. 

The most common response on the poll in both Lochac and the UK was “I’m on smoko, leave me alone.”

The Kingdom of Avacal also has a coronation in May, and The SCAllion asked them to comment.  Oddly enough, they didn’t seem to care.  The East does not have a coronation in May. The SCAllion did not ask them to comment, but they keep calling and leaving messages on our voicemail saying that the East, too, is on smoko.

Board of Directors · Community Standards · Knowne World · Real Life

Things that 125 is one-half of one percent of, a non-exhaustive list

BARONY OF BODLINGTONE, BODLANDIA – We here at The SCAllion are no strangers to investigative journalism and research. It is in that spirit that we have, for no particular reason, compiled a list of things that 125 is roughly one-half of a percent of.  

  • Population of Winston-Salem, NC
  • Board stipends (total)
  • Number of people about to not renew their membership of some kind
  • London taxis, unless you need one
  • Empty beer bottles produced daily at Pennsic
  • Nearby spiders
  • Pizzles on heraldic beasts
  • Unwritten guidelines for “community standards”
  • Kia Niros sold in the United States in 2019
  • Blue whales
  • Ways to say “Snow” in Aleutian
  • Ways to leave your lover (adjusted for inflation)
  • Stamps depicting authoritarian dictators
  • Calories in poutine
  • Bugs in a Christmas tree
  • Incorrect ways to apologize
Advice · Audience Participation · Community Standards · Knowne World · Letter to Editor · Real Life

New to The SCAllion: Audience Participation!

Unto our loyal and also our disloyal readership, greetings upon this the 27th day of April, Anno Societatis 57. 

We have, up until this point, relied on the staffroom, interns, and the lurkers who support us in email* for questions and comments for our various pieces. Today, we’re changing that. 

In the section called “Contact Us” here on our website, you will find three new forms: 

Letters to the Editor

Goody Advice


Community Standards

We encourage those of goodwill to submit Letters to our Editor or to Goody Advice for answer upon these electronic pages – though please be aware that our interns are the ones sorting through this slush pile and only the most choice of texts will be passed on from them as a gift to our valued staff. 

You may have also noticed the new series called Community Standards. What are the unwritten community standards of your kingdom, that should never be violated upon pain of sanctions, as per the perspective of the current Board of Directors? (We wish we could have used Non scripta non est, but we noticed that the Board has embraced the concept of unwritten standards these days. Unfortunately.)

We ask only that you be pleasant. Funny, snarky, and salty posts are encouraged; nasty, mean, or doxxing responses will be ignored and promptly deleted. Particular egregious examples may result in Jaws pulling out their letterhead. Jaws is particularly hungry, and we would like to keep Jaws from not only eating opposing counsel, but you as well.

Come, play with us, remember the joy of the Dream, and help us to polish it back to brightness one small piece of fun and whimsy at a time. 

In Service to the Society, 

The SCAllion 

*Or in the comments sections

Board of Directors · Editorial · From the Newsroom · Real Life · Sanctions

A few items that may be of interest to our readership

As you may have noticed, it has been an eventful few days in Bodlandia, and we here at The SCAllion switched from popcorn to booze as soon as the sun crossed the yardarm on Monday. 

Iselda de Narbonne/Alexandra Evans and her spouse Aeron Harper/David Biggs have started a petition to ask for radical restructuring of the corporate side of the SCA, to professionalize the organization. This petition can be found at the below locations – we strongly encourage anyone who is interested to first read “A Tale of 6 Sanctions” and the petition’s FAQ

There are two options for the petition. There is an online Google Form, located here.

There is the paper version which can be printed out and mailed in.

The SCAllion newsroom has grave concerns about current corporate leadership – if we didn’t, we wouldn’t have started writing the sort of satire that we do, trying to hold a mirror up to the SCA that we love. While we have doubts about the effectiveness of such a petition as The One Thing that will bring about necessary changes for the health of the organization, we feel that it may be a significant method for people to voice their concerns and present a solution.

Advice · Arts and Sciences · From the Newsroom · Real Life

Goody Advice: Cookies, A&S, and more

Dear Goody, 
Beer, cider, scotch, or cookies? I owe you. My knight read one of your pieces and backed off on his own.

Dear Grateful,

Good Scotch, excellent cheese and decadent chocolate are always accepted. Or, just buy a SCAllion shirt and wear that shit loud and proud. Tell them all that Goody Advice sent you. That will give me a real hoot.

Hope this helps!

-Goody Advice 

Dear Goody, 
I see people in the SCA doing some really cool and complex A&S projects such as casting metal and lamp working. I have no idea how to try this stuff and live in an apartment, so have no space for a workshop. 
Am I doomed to admire from afar or is there something I can do to learn these skills? 
-Lonely Artisan 

Dear Lonely, 

The advice I have for you will solve two problems at once. To misquote John Donne: No artist is an island, Entire of itself; Every artist is a piece of the continent, A part of the main. 

You do not have to do your art alone! You do not have to find all of your own supplies and sneak a whole workshop with a torch into a second floor apartment. In fact, please don’t try that. Smokey the Laurel states that “Only you can prevent craft fires.” 

Instead, start by asking around your local group and those near to you. Find out who else participates in the artforms that interest you and ask them if they would be interested in teaching or sharing their workspace with someone who would like to learn in exchange for payment, barter or service. Not having to buy all of your own equipment is absolutely worth the price of a studio fee! You may even find yourself some new artsy friends solving both the ‘lonely’ and ‘artist’ parts of your query. 

If there isn’t anyone in the Society local to you who is active in the art that interests you, look for modern guilds or other groups who work with historic arts. There are a fascinating number of these. You can find pottery studios, glass art studios, stained glass classes, metal work enthusiasts and blacksmith organizations where you can expand your circle of acquaintances, maybe make some friends and learn from people who may live and breathe their art as a part or full time gig. Local community centers and art groups in larger towns often have dedicated studio space for multiple arts and also teachers who guide sessions monthly or weekly.

Do not let the SCA be your limit. The size of your home is not a restriction to trying and finding and loving new arts. This is the part where you need to find the Creative in your anachronistic interests. Tap your local artisans and ask them for leads. We are all nerds down here and will happily talk your ear off if you show even a hint of interest. Use this to your advantage, network and art to your heart’s content. 

Hope this helps, 

-Goody Advice

Dear Goody, 
I read that article and I know it was about me. How dare you write such about me and put it online? Now I am real pissed and want to pay you a visit. 
-Angriest of All

Dear All, 

Whichever article you read, I can assure you, it isn’t about you directly. However, let’s unpack this a bit and break the fourth wall. 

The newsroom reprobates don’t really write about individual people. Editorial and Legal don’t approve stories like that. No one really wants the Editorial Board irritated with them, because they fear a column assignment like “Under the Shield Wall- an Expose of Sights and Smells” or “Most Alarming Period Recipes Prepared, Tested and Reviewed”. Being reassigned to a desk like that is the one of their few fears. They don’t have many nightmares, but here are the ones I have gleaned around the newsroom in ascending order of scary. 

  • The end of all coffee 
  • Cloaked and hooded members of the Editorial Board appearing to discuss one of your articles.
  •  Finding a weathered sea glass bottle on your desk after lunch containing a tattered memo of “Dear writer, meet me at the beach at midnight. We need to talk. Come alone. -signed Jaws from Legal”

They write satire mostly about situations of current import, archetypes of people, unfortunate situations which seem to happen repeatedly and the just plain ridiculous.

But, if you still think an article is about you, I would like you to read this next bit slowly, with care and possibly out loud to yourself then really reflect on it: 

It is unlikely The SCAllion writers know you. It is highly unlikely that The SCAllion writers think about you at all. If you identify strongly with a group that you feel has been wrongly satirized, you have no problem with the behavior being satirized and are proud of yourself for being part of that group or of exercising that behavior… then I am not someone who can help you with advice. Just lace up your asshole boots and wear those bitches loud and proud. Know that you will see a mirror of yourself in The SCAllion stories far more often than you will find comfortable and you should maybe have a long think on that if self examination ever becomes attainable for you as a person. 

Hope this helps!

-Goody Advice

Arts and Sciences · From the Newsroom · Knowne World · Laurel · Real Life

The SCAllion Presents: Good Garb Bingo!

BARONY OF HOLLEKE TOR, KINGDOM OF AETHER – In the northern hemisphere, it is coming up on the Serious Outdoor Event Season (Sorry, Lochac, enjoy your winter). As our contribution to the most common activity of the Society while sitting around with your beverage of choice – people watching – we present to you: Good Garb Bingo. 

Many are the tales of Bad Garb Bingo, played at wars and large events throughout the SCA. We here at The SCAllion are much more about encouraging people to be their best selves, and if we can enable that by finding things to praise about the efforts of those strolling by on a quiet summer afternoon, all the better. 

At the link below are 30 randomized bingo cards, with positive things to spot about other people’s clothing. We suggest that someone only counts for one square per outfit – while that Elizabethan Laurel could give you bingo all on their own, pick the one that you feel is the best choice for that set of apparel. (For example: His Highness walking by in three different outfits can be counted for three squares, once per set of garb.)

We highly encourage folks to bring these to their local events! Get to meet the well-dressed people in your kingdom neighborhoods!

If someone really impresses you with their dress, why don’t you tell them? Ask questions about who created what aspects and how, and make notes on your bingo card of people to write in for awards. Praise and recognize people for their efforts, and you, too, will shortly be able to yell “bingo!” from under your awning.

Click here to download your Good Garb Bingo Cards!

Advice · Arts and Sciences · From the Newsroom · Real Life

Goody Advice: big booms, try everything, and more.

You okay? Your filters seem to have been turned off. The latest post is brutally awesome.

Dear Concerned, 

You know, I really do appreciate your concern and it’s nice to know kind people are still out there. Also, I enjoy the flattery, so keep that shit coming. My filters, well, sometimes they just catch fire in the glow of my incandescent bewilderment produced simply by reading questions I have received. Often, I close my eyes and try not to sob, or howl with laughter, or gibber in madness at the words I am considering. My filters, they might be ash. The questions and answers that you read in this column are the ones I have been able to answer reasonably and with limited swearing as the Editors do not allow me freedom with my full lexicon of invective, so I must be a choosy Goody. So, send your questions but if you FA you will FO what happens when my filters are truly missing. 

Hope this helps!

-Goody Advice

Hey Goody, 
People keep saying that they want me to bring my period gunpowder experiments to events but don’t understand that I don’t because I want them to be safe. They’re saying I’m being selfish with my knowledge. How do I navigate this?
-No Boom Today

Dear Boom, 

I find that the very best way to explain to people why something is a terrible idea is to show them in flamboyantly graphic detail. Make a sign, note card or trifold brochure! When people ask about your art hazard, simply take out your prepared sign or pamphlet and wordlessly hold it up or hand it to the querent with a great big smile. If you can find some, include photos of what the item can do to the human body along with the most vivid and in depth explanation possible. Leave no bit of gore out and cheerfully explain all of it to show how much you appreciate their enthusiasm. Suggest they are welcome to begin work with this fresh hazard at any time that you are not supplying to possible cause of legal action. 

You may presume this now educated person won’t ask again about this danger. Wish them a good day and sashay away! 

Hope this helps!

-Goody Advice

Dear Goody,
I’m brand new to the SCA and have been told by some long time members that now is the time I should be picking the one aspect of the SCA I base my entire personality around. 
Which one should I pick?
-Blank Slate

Dear Slate,

No! It’s a trap!

Use your honeymoon period in the SCA to fall more in love with the dream of it. Meet new people and try everything that seems interesting to you. Try it all once, even if it seems intriguing but you think it might not be for you. New experiences can light up bits of your brain, heart and soul. Occasionally you will discover hidden talents that even you did not know existed. 

For the first year or three, just explore. Make no long term associations and take no belts. Accept hospitality with grace and allow yourself to meet new people with an open mind. Form your own opinions, but remember advice or the warnings of friends because they likely have your best interests in mind. However, should anyone ask you to be cruel, unkind or even unpleasant to another person or avoid an aspect of the Society because they didn’t enjoy it, that is not the company to keep. 

Remember you are playing a game, so are all the other people you meet. Play the game on weekends, but remember that on Monday morning, we all go back to work. 

Have fun. Try it all. Find joy. Keep perspective. Be open to everything and see what embraces you.

Hope this helps!

-Goody Advice 

Atlantia · Chivalry · Exchequer · Real Life

Knight with “Deeds not Words” tattoo mad at satire news

BARONY OF MARINUS, ATLANTIA – In a move that surprised no one, Sir Seamus the Silent has declared in a public Facebook post that he dislikes The SCAllion.  “All they do is put words on a web page, criticizing the true leaders of the SCA without signing their name to anything. If they are going to criticize the Chivalry, I will meet them on the field and we can talk about it with our swords. I’m sure we can find someone to authorize them if they’re not.” Sir Seamus’ Facebook profile is listed under his society name. While this has prevented the majority of his friends list from losing his society name in favor of his modern name in recent years, this has meant that several people have assumed that his modern name is Seamus rather than Frank. 

“If they want to change the SCA they should show up on the list field and get good enough to win Crown,” continued the post. “Making Kingdom Laws by right of arms is how things get done around here.” The SCAllion has verified that Sir Seamus has appeared in the final four of Crown Tournament twice and in Courts of Chivalry three times.

Sir Seamus has “Deeds Not Words” as his description on his Facebook profile. The SCAllion has also learned he has “Deeds Not Words” tattooed on the outside of his sword arm as it is prominently placed in his user icon, blocking his face.

Local Exchequer and self-identified SCAllion superfan Lord Halvkey Vetinari observed carefully, “Seamus is extremely fond of quoting that particular phrase. He brings it up in barony meetings when we start talking through the budget, mostly as a way of getting us to stop talking, I think.”

Other tactics used by Sir Seamus to disrupt otherwise productive meetings include frequent and incorrect references to Friedrich Nietzsche, detailed retellings of former glory as a martial artist in high school, and insisting the chronicler publish his household’s private Spear-The-Beer scores on a weekly basis. 

However, The SCAllion respects his right to privacy, and will not be trying to expose his true identity.