BARONY OF I’ÎLE DU DRAGON DORMANT, TIR MARA, EAST – Heirs of the East, Princesses Melodie and Jade, have announced that the only awards for their reign will be non-polling only. The announcement comes after the Heirs’ revealed that the first 4 months of polling discussions broke both their email boxes and their sanity. When reached for comment by The SCAllion, Princess Melodie, KSCA stated that “No seated royal should have to deal with this level of absolute chaos during their reign.”
“There are plenty of ways to recognize good people and their service without having to deal with committee discussions for any award we want to give out. I have to deal with business by committee enough in the real world, this is just too much.” said Princess Jade, OL, OP, OD.
The announcement caused a firestorm on each of the East’s twelve polling order email lists. (No satire here, the East has twelve polling orders.) The lists stopped processing emails entirely after four hours. The SCAllion reached out to the East Kingdom Webministry, who provide the space for the mailing lists. When our call was answered we could only hear eldritch screams and distant fire alarms.
The East Kingdom’s College of Scribes are celebrating the move as they will finally catch six months of breathing room to explore other arts, as they anticipate only half the number of scrolls as usual for a reign. When The SCAllion noted that the Order of the Rose is a polling order in the East, Her Highness Jade stated “If Our heirs want to poll me for the Rose, fine. I’m a triple peer in my own right and in my mind, this decision should make me a shoo-in for the Rose anyway.”
BARONY-MARCHE OF DEBATABLE LANDS, ÆTHELMEARC — To a certain group of women in the SCA, status is everything. These women all run in the same circles. Their significant others attend the same tournaments, they attend the same Laurel meetings, and, in the summer, they all head to Pennsic, an event that embodies a complete concentration of SCA power and privilege. This year will be no exception, but the star power of these medieval luminaries will, for the first time, be showcased for the modern world; Pennsic 50 will play host to a Bravo camera crew, there to film a new, exciting series: The Real Duchesses of Pennsic.
The franchise, which follows the supposedly-real housewives from such centers of wealth as Orange County, California, and New York City, takes a look at another privileged group of women known for displaying their big personalities, luxurious garb, and elaborate camps. Among them are the spouses and girlfriends of multiple-tournament winners, shameless rhino-hiders, and knights made good. The cast is varied, but not particularly diverse; they are made up of five attractive, straight, white women from five kingdoms within the Knowne World.
The SCAllion asked. Find out how the other half lives:
Her Grace, Duchess Adolana of Strasbourg, former Queen of Ealdormere
Bio: A two-time queen of the kingdom of Ealdormere in its early days, this formidable dowager is a much beloved institution within the hearts of the loyal populace. Although seemingly graceful and generous during the hot Pennsic days, word has reached The SCAllion that she lets her inner wild-child out to play during the nights.
Tagline: “In the politics of SCA royal peerages, I always win the popular vote.”
Her Grace, Duchess Pierozza Parmesiniof Calontir Bio: Fresh off the progress of her second reign, Duchess Pierozza is known as much for her beauty as her penchant for non-persona garb. She might look Norse, but when it comes to the Pennsic social scene, she embodies the intrigue and glamor of the Italian renaissance.
Tagline: “I’m not just a fighter’s lady with a taste for somewhat appropriative summertime garb – I’m a legend.”
Her Grace, Duchess Sandrine Babiloine of Atenveldt
Bio: A three time queen who has ruled alongside three different kings, Duchess Sandrine causes a stir at every event she attends. It’s rumored that she’s going to be on the lookout for her next King ahead of Atenveldt’s summer crown tournament in late September. She has been overheard saying, “All those other inspirations better lock up their fighters!”
Tagline: “I have a taste for power and power has a taste for me.”
Her Excellency Countess Sile inghen Connoghor of the Outlands
Bio: Although she has only been queen once, Countess Sile runs with the other duchesses on the strength of her rigid control over her kingdom’s Laurel community. Under her influence, the Laurels of the Outlands have admitted only three people to their ranks in the last decade. Though many complaints about the Countess’ sway have emerged over the years, she takes it all in stride and does not let it bother her.
Tagline: “I never feel guilty about preserving our integrity; we don’t let in just anybody. If being a gatekeeper is so wrong, why does it feel so right?”
Her Grace, Duchess Johanna ffeyrmayden of Æthelmearc
Bio: Celebrated as the uncrowned queen of Pennsic since she debuted in the royal role over five years ago. Partying with this duchess at Pennsic is considered to be a sign that a member of the populace has arrived, socially. Always fun, always where the mead is, and always ready to jump into a Bardic circle with original songs, sensation and scandal follow wherever Duchess Johanna goes.
Tagline: “Pennsic is my playground and when evening arrives, I’m the real King of the Castle.”
Although Duchess Adolana was almost certainly recruited due to her connections to other royal peers throughout the Knowne World, the same sense of grace is not usually attributed to the other Duchesses. One can hardly forget about the amateur adult film that was released online following Pennsic 42. Although the performers could not be immediately identified, the Pennsic site and the royal regalia they wore was more than enough to reveal the lackluster performers were then-King Adalbret Clobeloch and his queen, Duchess Sandrine. While Adalbret earned an R&D over the incident, Duchess Sandrine had, by that time, moved on to her current paramour, Duke Thebald Valret, who is said to have exercised his influence to help her evade any society-imposed consequences.
Duchesses Johanna and Pierozza are also no strangers to controversy stirred up at Pennsic. The entire site was inundated with gossip after a seemingly private conversation was leaked. The topic of the leaked gossip was Countess Sile, the duchesses’ remarks on her lower title, her allegedly inauthentic garb, and her inability to admit anybody lacking at least one PhD into her kingdom’s broken branch of the Order of the Laurel. Though news of this gossip mildly offended the Countess, it was their harsh commentary of her oft-performed free-verse poem, entitled “Healing”, that she performs at every bardic circle she comes across, that ended up transforming the countess into the Drama Queen. Duchess Pierozza was overheard to remark, “That poem is not even remotely medieval in subject, language, or form. I’m pretty sure she wrote it in therapy.”
“No shit – and talk about cringy,” Duchess Johanna is said to have responded, “No need for firewood! The fire could be fuelled entirely by second-hand embarrassment. I feel sorry for her.”
Although the two deny it, they are credited with referring to the poem, which lasts for approximately 15 agonizing, soul-crushing minutes, as “the universally recognized death-throes of the bardic circle.”
It is reported that Countess Sile had her revenge when the QR code for Duchess Johanna’s previously private OnlyFans elbow-fetish site was painstakingly painted onto the portajohns. “F*ck with a Laurel, will they?!?” Countess Sile was purportedly heard to mutter, “I can paint detailed, photorealistic QR codes IN MY SLEEP!”
Given the established notoriety these Duchesses have earned at past Pennsic Wars, The SCAllion looks forward to seeing how they plan to top their current reputations.
BARONY OF SETTMOUR SWAMP, THE EAST — In a move which has been met with surprise and astonishment, the combined peerage orders of the Kingdom of the East have unanimously approved a standard fealty oath for use by all peers throughout the kingdom who wish to swear fealty.
According to sources in-Kingdom, King Báetán mac Fergaile and Queen Coblaith ingen Fechtnaig asked their peerage orders to create a standardised oath in the aftermath of the specialised, incredibly lengthy, fully-documented period oath given to them this weekend by Magistra Ahelissa de Glack. Now known widely as The Oath of Two Score Terms And Twelve, it was 20 minutes long and kept Their Majesties from badly-needed bathroom breaks.
The official form of the new standard oath is recorded in several languages, to enable some flexibility for peers of different cultural personae.
For example, the Latin form of the oath is thus:
Non te dedam Non te deficiam Non vagabor et deseram te Non te lacrimabit Non dicam vale Non mendiar et laedam te
For those peers with Jewish personae, the Hebrew form of the oath reads:
לעולם לא אוותר עלייך לעולם לא אאכזב אותך לעולם לא אתרוצץ סביב ואעזוב אותך לעולם לא אגרום לך לבכות לעולם לא אומר להתראות לעולם לא אספר שקר ואפגע בך
Peers from the Arabic-speaking regions may enjoy this version:
لن أتخلى عن الأمل فيك لن أخذلك لن أركض وأتركك لن أجعلك تبكي لن أقول وداعا لن أقول لك كذبة وأجرحك
The Middle English form of the oath is as follows:
Ich schall relinquishe þe nevere Ich schall faile þe nevere Ich schall rave awei nevere, nor leve þe Ich schall encausen þe wepest nevere Ich schall sprece ileve niminge nevere Ich schall sprece gabbe nevere nor bane þe
Translations in other languages are available from Baroness Theodhild, Brigantia Herald.
Asked to explain the words chosen, Lærifaðir Gunni Stillingr, a member of the Order of Laurel who assisted with the translations explained, “It’s not that strange a move, it’s important that everyone involved knows what the rules are. Fealty is about making a full commitment.”
Despite the unanimous vote, some peers are not entirely on board with the new standard wording. “This is against all the traditions of the East,” complained Baron Estienne Flambard, a long-time Pelican. “But their Majesties know the game, they’re going to play it, and we have to go along. If you ask me how I’m feeling about this whole situation, well, my heart’s been aching since it was announced.”
Master Ricardus de Asteleghe, a Bardic Laurel, was more enthusiastic. “We’ve known this move was coming for so long,” he gushed. “I love it, and I’m not too shy to say it. I never want to give this up.”
Sources close to Theodhild Brigantia report that she spent the day after the announcement staring into the middle distance with a bottle of wine, muttering, “So it’s come to this.”
BARONY OF CARRAIG BAN, THE MIDDLE – The Society-wide committee tasked with analyzing and reporting on bullying in the SCA has released its findings. The committee reports that members who have sat thrones at least once are far more likely to be the targets of bullying than those who have not.
“Fast analysis found that there was a high amount of bullying reports across all levels of the Society,” said Count Salvadore di Mozo, committee chair. “The initial data was very concerning, as the numbers themselves were quite high, and we were concerned that we had a Society-wide problem on our hands. It was once we dug a little deeper that we really understood that we had one highly marginalized group of members that were incredibly likely to be victims, and that group is the Royal peers.”
Count Salvadore thanked the committee for digging in and said that the final report was corrected for validity. “Once we dug through all the reports, and threw out the noise you get from reports that were filed frivolously, or are otherwise invalid for our purposes, the percentages tell a different story about who the victims are in the SCA.”
Once the committee had reduced their dataset to eliminate invalid reports, the numbers became nearly reversed. Whereas in the original set of all bullying reports it appeared that only about 11 percent of the members of the populace that reported being bullied were royal peers, after the dataset was adjusted the charts showed that over three-quarters of the bullying complaints accepted as valid by the committee were lodged by Royal peers.
The committee is looking forward to presenting its corrected chart at the next BoD meeting, and Count Salvadore has been nothing but supportive of the committee members: Countess Nichola Wasshebrook, Duke Aeneas Drables, Viscount Diego Martín Carrillo, and Duchess Griselda Mawchlyn.
“We’re very troubled by our findings,” His Excellency concluded. “Most people in the SCA, I think, don’t appreciate that the Royal peers are the real victims here.”
SHIRE OF TRIVIUM, DRACHENWALD – In a shocking revelation, the singer Seal admitted to The SCAllion that his hit song “Kiss From a Rose” was in fact about a secret affair with a countess from the Society for Creative Anachronism.
The singer, while promoting his upcoming European tour admitted, “I’m not going to name names, because a gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell, but in my younger days, I was, let us say, involved with a Countess from Drachenwald.” He went on record to tell us that they spent a lot of time together one winter, which led to the lines, “But did you know, when it snows, my eyes become large, and the light that you shine can’t be seen,” further adding that “she was just utterly enchanting in grey, although she told me it was argent. But argent is hard to rhyme to, doesn’t have the right meter.”
The SCAllion asked Seal about the origins of other lines in the song, to which he smiled enigmatically with a raised eyebrow and said “that is between myself and my lovely countess.”
SHIRE OF HARTSHORN-DALE, EAST KINGDOM – Last weekend at Kingdom Bardic Champions, Brenhines Corotica of the East was spotted wearing the clothing of Imperial Rome. Their Majesty is said to have always been against the rampant imperialism and colonialism of Rome upon her beloved Wales, and yet they were spotted in tunica, stola, and palla, trimmed in Imperial purple.
The Roman armies invaded England and Wales, laying waste to the lands that Corotica calls home, and yet there she was, in the clothing of the oppressor state. The SCAllion was asked to investigate if they were going to be worthy of the Rose for the betrayal of siding with Rome – more on this story as it develops.
DOMINION OF MYRKFAELINN, ÆTHELMEARC – Duchess Karen von Katzenberg stopped by her local coffee joint to grab a triple-shot soy caramel macchiato latte earlier this week. She was shocked and dismayed when the barista rang her up and informed her that her total came to $5. Duchess Karen, aghast at being told that she had to pay for this, demanded to know if the barista knew exactly who she was.
The barista shrugged and said, “The woman who just ordered a $5 coffee”.
This fueled Duchess Karen’s righteous indignation as she declared, “I am a three-time Queen! I have ruled in two different kingdoms! One before you were even alive! I am Duchess Karen of Æthelmearc!”
The barista shrugged and said, “Okay, but that’s still $5 please.” Duchess Karen had no choice but to pay for her coffee and left in a steaming rage.
The SCAllion points out that this proves the old adage that a pointy hat and $5 will, in fact, get you a coffee.
BARONY OF DARKWOOD, THE WEST – In light of recent changes in standards of behavior observed in the collected peerages of the Known World, the Board of Directors has authorized a change to Corpora to state “Corpora Section VIII.A.1, under ‘General Requirements’ to hold a Patent of Arms to replace ‘They shall have set an example of courteous and noble behavior suitable to a peer of the realm,’ with ‘c. They shall have set an example of behavior suitable to a peer of the realm. Including being a complete and utter dick towards anyone whom they see fit.’”
Duquesa Costança Beatriz Mercado de Castille y Puerto, acting Board spokesperson, hopes that this change in requirements “will enable our Peers to be more effective and live up to the standards outlined in Corpora.” She continued with “and we hope that not only do these updated standards assist with the selection of additional peers that will no doubt bring the Society’s very real work into the modern Middle Ages.”
“At least they’re changing Corpora to better reflect the reality of the Chivalry,” said one Laurel, who spoke to The SCAllion on condition of anonymity. “But it’s just simply not the way a true Laurel behaves!” Master Thomas de Kyngesford, OD, OL, OP, upon overhearing this comment, promptly expired from laughter.
the SCAllion 
You must be logged in to post a comment.