RIDING OF HOLLEKE TOR, KINGDOM OF AETHER — To break the fourth wall a bit, we here at The SCAllion would like to take a moment to acknowledge all of the hard work we have put in over the past few weeks and to give ourselves a firm congratulatory pat on the back for achieving the perfectly imaginable – we’ve reached 1,000 subscribers on our Facebook page! None of this would have been possible if not for our labors, sleepless nights, and half-medicated editorial staff, no thanks to you free-loaders. What began as a whimsical conversation very quickly ballooned into a full-blown newsroom and in all of about 12 hours we published our first story. Now chained to our desks in punishment for our early enthusiasm, we are obligated to keep churning out material for your entertainment and, dare we say, edification.
All of you, dear readers, are why we have continued to write and will continue to write until there is no one left who will listen. But that’s mostly what we were all doing all along anyway, right? Just shouting frustrations into the void? Lucky for us, we now have you sorry lot to shout at. Some of you even laugh at our satire and others have even taken our more pointed stories to heart. Not bad, huh?
Thank you for coming along with us. This idea would have gone down like a cup shot if not for you reading and sharing our stories. Please continue to like, share, and subscribe — there are a lot more people out there for us to annoy, and we need your help to reach them all.
BARONY OF DARKWOOD, THE WEST – This morning, the Society Chronicler’s office announced the longstanding William Blackfox awards for excellence in Society publications. Unusually among the honorees was the Office of the Laurel Sovereign of Arms, or, as they are more commonly known, the heralds. “The Laurel Sovereign has issued a monthly newsletter since 1971, making it the longest continuously running publication in the Society. As this year’s awards cover the period of 2020-2022, we thought it important to acknowledge that someone at the corporate level manages consistency by celebrating the 50th year of publication.”
“We thank them for thinking of us,” said Mistress Regina le Red, the current Laurel Sovereign and chief herald of the society, “but we’re not sure why they’re counting the letters of acceptances and returns as newsletters. We’re not going to argue, though! We certainly try to highlight the newsworthy items of interest in our cover letters each month, but those are only of interest to the Heraldic Cabal.”
The Heraldic Cabal could not be reached for comment.
SOUTHERN UNITED STATES – An unnamed kingdom is shocked and saddened to learn that an otherwise well-respected knight has ties to white supremacist organizations. A spokesperson for the kingdom gave The SCAllion the following statement: “Sir Gellir Aslaksson is such a good man. He always has a kind word for everyone, and is so helpful. He’s never been mean to me, and I’m Jewish. Okay, so he had some runic tattoos, but who doesn’t? That doesn’t automatically make one a white supremacist.”
The kingdom’s College of Heralds also made the following statement: “When Sir Gellir submitted his arms, we were, understandably a little concerned, what with the fylfot being so politically charged. But we asked around and no one had a bad word to say about him, so obviously who would think he was a white supremacist?”
Sir Gellir’s affiliation was made apparent after several comments on social media led to uproar. The Crown has asked people to “remember that when they get outraged on social media that there is a person on the other end of the screen that is just doing the best that they can.” The Crown also emphasized to the populace that social media can be incredibly divisive, and at the end of the day, all should just try to get along, regardless of politics.
Sir Gellir’s comments included such delights as “getting rid of those people”, “Jews will not replace us!” and multiple iterations of “I am not a racist, but…”
The Board of Directors, despite being barraged with screenshots and complaints from members who have been personally attacked by the knight, are not seeking revocation and denial of benefits for Sir Gellir at this time, and hopes that banning him from a couple Crown Tournaments will help him learn his lesson. When asked for further comment, the Board ignored our reporters and pretended a request was never received.
SHIRE OF RIVENWOOD TOWER, NORTHSHIELD – Judges and contestants alike were wowed last Saturday at an Arts and Sciences contest by a 16th century Venetian gown. “It’s absolutely stunning! Laurel-level work from someone who’s only been playing for two years!” declared Mistress Eleanor Beauchamp of the hand-sewn garment. Subtle rose in color, the silk garment was covered in embroidery and pearls, with genuine ermine edging. Lady Katherine de Bretagne, 20, was floored by the response to her handiwork. “I really didn’t think it was all that great. I’m still pretty unhappy with the pleating and how the silk skirting drapes,” she admitted to The SCAllion modestly. “Still, it’s really wonderful that people are showing so much interest in it!”
Her excitement was cut short, however, after receiving the scorecard from one judge. While she received scores of 9s and 10s nearly across the board, one judge gave her only 5 out of 10 possible points.
“It’s very unpeerlike and unscholarly to not understand how to format a bibliographic note,” explained judge Master Kristoph der Bald von Metz. “I was also disappointed that she didn’t also raise the silk worms and spin the fabric herself. And those paper sheets seem pretty impersonal, so I talked to her and explained that when I got my Laurel in AS XXXVII for a period feast featuring duck, which I raised and slaughtered myself, of course, along with all of the root vegetables I grew in the garden…” He continued at length for several minutes, but our scribe developed a cramp and stopped recording.
The Lady Bretagne was unable to be located for further comment, but onlookers noted that she left the site in tears.
BARONY OF THREE RIVERS, CALONTIR – The Kingdom of Calontir has just been nominated for a GRAMMY award in the Outstanding Education Program category. This category is for persons or groups dedicated to excellency in using music in an educational context.
According to the press release: “The Kingdom of Calontir has demonstrated an ongoing dedication to using an inclusive style in teaching about medieval history. They use a variety of songs tracing important stories about the period in order to teach participants and listeners. Their dedication to using music to further knowledge is in keeping with their non-profit mission, and we have chosen to highlight their unusual methodology.”
Master Gilbertus Badcock, known outside of the Society as John Johnson, a high school German teacher and author of many of the historical songs highlighted by the GRAMMYs, commented, “We are, of course, honored by the consideration and nomination. We take seriously our educational mission, and I am looking forward to introducing a new piece about the War of the Roses at the ceremony.”