Category: War of the Phoenix

An Tir · Arts and Sciences · Atenveldt · East · War of the Phoenix · West

BREAKING: GOATs to Sing National Anthem at Super Bowl

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BARONY OF SUN DRAGON, KINGDOM OF ATENVELDT – In a move that surprises absolutely nobody, Tom Brady has come back out of retirement to sing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl LVII in the Barony of Sun Dragon. Sir Tom Brady, after retiring Monday, announced that he had re-signed with Atenveldt to perform as the National Anthem singer for the event and that he had invited Baron Goaty McGoatface, Bardic Champion of the West, to assist his performance in a rare instance of Cross-Kingdom Champions cooperation. It will be a powerful moment indeed when both the GOAT and the Goat sing The Star-Spangled Banner this Sunday.

When asked why Sir Tom was invited to sing the anthem, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell told The SCAllion, “In his entire 22-year career in the NFL, we never knew Mr. Brady was such a gifted singer. I caught his performance on the TikToks and knew he had the chops to sing the anthem.” When asked by The SCAllion if he was okay with His Excellency Goaty coming along for accompaniment, Mr. Goodell said, “Well, the GOAT knows goats and champions know champions, so it should be a sight to behold. We also can’t say no to Mr. Brady…Like legally, it’s been in his contract ever since Spygate.” When informed that Sir Tom had retired from the NFL, Mr. Goodell got a distant look on his face, screamed “WE’RE FREE! WE’RE FINALLY FREE!” and ran off while stripping nude. A few crewmembers working on preparations for the game snarked that it was clear that “Mr. Brady clearly just wanted to be back at the Super Bowl again, no matter what.”

The pair will sing the anthem at the conclusion of the Super Bowl pregame show, which is scheduled to last as long as an An Tir Twelfth Night court, this coming February 12th, A.S. LVII. 

Arts and Sciences · Atenveldt · Chivalry · East · Trimaris · War of the Phoenix

Tom Brady announces his retirement from the Society for Creative Anachronism

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BARONY OF ATENVELDT, ATENVELDT — Following his surprise announcement last week that he had signed with the Kingdom of Atenveldt for the war season, and after being named Bardic Champion at the inaugural War of the Phoenix, Sir Tom has now announced that he is retiring from the Society for Creative Anachronism, effective immediately. “I think the way to do this is to go out on a high note, and now that I’ve been named Bardic Champion, been Knighted, and had a couple of melees, it is time for me to step back and do things with my family.”

NFL fans throughout the society are pointing to these sudden changes as typical of Brady in recent years, and have started calling for an investigation of how he won the bardic championship. The Eastern Chivalry have offered Sir Tom a one-day residence contract so he can retire as a member of the East rather than of Trimaris or Atenveldt.

Arts and Sciences · Atenveldt · War of the Phoenix

Tom Brady wins Bardic Championship at War of the Phoenix

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American football quarterback Tom Brady recently signed on with the Kingdom of Atenveldt for the war season and has been spotted around Phoenix International Raceway by alert SCAdians. On Facebook, someone posted a picture with him in the background and a commenter asked, “Is that Tom Brady behind you in the Crown Foods line?” “I thought that dude looked familiar, but it’s been forever since I’ve seen anyone in person!” replied the OP. 

Thursday afternoon revealed the reason that Mr. Brady had come to Arizona. During the inaugural bardic championships, he brought two pieces to the Firebird stage that wowed the populace present. The first was a story in vernacular of a loyal army who did whatever it took to win 6 epic battles, and the second was the new jaunty war song, “Are You Ready for Some Melee?” 

Other performers also brought fantastically researched and performed pieces, but Mr. Brady earned the title and was victorious at the War of the Phoenix. A few Quintavians at War of the Phoenix grumbled that it was still Bill Belichick’s fault.

Atenveldt · Trimaris · War of the Phoenix

BREAKING – Tom Brady retires mundanely, SCAllion editorial team smug

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BARONY OF WYVERNWOODE, TRIMARIS – As we reported recently, Tom Brady has announced his retirement from professional football.

While Brady has not publicly announced his future plans, we at The SCAllion would like to remind you that we posted news of his retirement well in advance of his public announcement, and if you think that he won’t sign with Atenveldt as we predicted, well, how dare you doubt our reliability as a news source.

When asked for a rare public comment on how we broke this story before any mundane news source, The SCAllion Editor in Chief smirked.

Now that we know we don’t just report the news, but actually make the news, subscribe for updates to our stories coming out later today, including “SCAllion staff receives large bags of untaxable money,” “SCAllion editor in chief to become first SCAdian astronaut,” and “ Calontir announces first licensed derivative work: SCAllion, the musical.”

Arts and Sciences · Atenveldt · East · Trimaris · War of the Phoenix

Tom Brady departs Tampa Bay Buccaneers as a free agent to sign for Atenveldt for War of the Phoenix

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BARONY OF WYVERNWOODE, TRIMARIS – Shortly after announcing his retirement from professional football, former NFL quarterback Tom Brady is back in the news with the surprise announcement that he has signed with Atenveldt for the upcoming war season.

Taking a break from practicing his bardic piece “Are you ready for some melee,” the 45-year old Brady told The SCAllion, “I realized the time wasn’t right to retire just yet. I think when the time is right, I’ll know, but I’m not there yet. I have more in me.”

Populace outrage continues in the Shire of Quintavia, home of Brady’s longtime team, the New England Patriots, where many still blame Bill Belichick for Brady’s decision to seek a contract with the Kingdom of Atenveldt.