BARONY OF I’ÎLE DU DRAGON DORMANT, TIR MARA, EAST – Heirs of the East, Princesses Melodie and Jade, have announced that the only awards for their reign will be non-polling only. The announcement comes after the Heirs’ revealed that the first 4 months of polling discussions broke both their email boxes and their sanity. When reached for comment by The SCAllion, Princess Melodie, KSCA stated that “No seated royal should have to deal with this level of absolute chaos during their reign.”
“There are plenty of ways to recognize good people and their service without having to deal with committee discussions for any award we want to give out. I have to deal with business by committee enough in the real world, this is just too much.” said Princess Jade, OL, OP, OD.
The announcement caused a firestorm on each of the East’s twelve polling order email lists. (No satire here, the East has twelve polling orders.) The lists stopped processing emails entirely after four hours. The SCAllion reached out to the East Kingdom Webministry, who provide the space for the mailing lists. When our call was answered we could only hear eldritch screams and distant fire alarms.
The East Kingdom’s College of Scribes are celebrating the move as they will finally catch six months of breathing room to explore other arts, as they anticipate only half the number of scrolls as usual for a reign. When The SCAllion noted that the Order of the Rose is a polling order in the East, Her Highness Jade stated “If Our heirs want to poll me for the Rose, fine. I’m a triple peer in my own right and in my mind, this decision should make me a shoo-in for the Rose anyway.”
BARONY OF STERNFELD, THE MIDDLE – Shocked and horrified onlookers were forced to witness a spectacle never before seen in a Crown Tournament final this past weekend: Both competitors fought to what they decided was a “Draw” and mutually agreed to decide the outcome by increasingly harder cup shots, with only one left standing at the end, though likely irreparably damaged.
The finals, to be decided between Duke Fritz von Schmetterlingstrosse and newcomer and baby knight Sir Malcom Blakehalloc, were fought to an ugly draw when neither combatant could hit the other with a shot hard enough for the other to accept, with each claiming the other “just wasn’t getting there”. After a brief pause in the action, the two met alone at the center of the list and, after a short discussion, they threw down their shields and announced their intent to the marshals and populace. When the marshals approached the Crown, King Steffan Panzerschreck declared “I’ll allow it,” and the grim spectacle went on.
Each competitor hit the other firmly in the cup with increasingly more powerful shots, and more than a dozen spectators either passed out, vomited, or both, during the match. Local EMS was called, not for the finalists, but for the populace forced to witness the terrifying display. When asked for comment, the general consensus among the populace was something along the lines of “I mean, we really don’t want either of them reproducing, but this might be a little extreme, even for the Chiv.”
No word yet if the variance in the determination of the winner was allowed per the community standards.
BARONY OF SKRAELING ALTHING, EALDORMERE – Local Barony member Launslote du Letch was inducted into the brand new Ordre de l’Escalier Manquant by Her Majesty Ruxandra Zabellyska of Ealdormere. Since he did not have an Award of Arms, Launslote was thrilled with his new status, as he believed inclusion in the order automatically conferred an AoA. The Queen did not disabuse him of the notion.
In an exclusive interview with The SCAllion, Her Majesty said, “We’ve had problems with du Letch for years. He has caused several uncomfortable situations with femme and non-binary members of my kingdom, but his behavior usually does not cross the line into a reportable offense, and when it does, his victims are too traumatized or frightened to report it. Unfortunately, Launslote is a member of Duke Bedyvere Brasenhed’s household and calling out a friend of the Once and Future King is seen as politically problematic for a lot of vulnerable people.”
The Ordre de l’Escalier Manquant is a new award for the Kingdom and does not confer any precedence. Meistari Bosi Englandsfari, the Principal Herald of Ealdormere explained how the award came to be, “Before she was a peer, Ruxandra never received an explicit confirmation from the Kingdom Seneschal as to whether the SCAdian who had attacked her at a camping event had been officially reprimanded or if he faced any repercussions. Because she felt the “business side” of the Society never supported her and due to various other incidents she and I have observed in our 20+ years in the SCA, at her Curia she created this new order, the Ordre de l’Escalier Manquant. The award recipients are receiving appropriate recognition for actions and behaviors below the threshold of action for the ‘business side’, but she has also created a way for others to recognize those who may exhibit problematic behaviors.”
“Marginalized people usually have a way of communicating about bad actors,” Queen Ruxandra said tiredly. “The Kingdom’s policies about secrecy make it hard to protect ourselves. Since they will be listed in the Kingdom OP, I just made it easier to figure out who they are.”
Princess Quiteria Cerrada, the Queen’s heir, seeing the success of the new Order has vowed to create an additional order called the “Ordre de l‘Escalier Cassé” as a step down for the recipients of the previous award. “Let them think they are getting a Grant of Arms,” Princess Quiteria said, “I am tired of creepers being a part and parcel of The Dream.” The Ordre de l’Escalier Cassé comes with a banishment from the presence unless a higher level banishment is currently in force.
Do you have a burning question about a situation that happened in the SCA and want to ask Goody? You can write to Goody at this form. Questions may be truncated for publication, and submitted questions may not be answered.
Dear Goody, I pride myself on being a feast cook who makes sure no one goes home hungry from anything I cook, and I make sure that the posted menu always says “the cook begs that you tell them about food sensitivities so that they can accommodate at [email].” A couple of weeks ago, someone complained after feast that they couldn’t eat anything but dessert. I posted the menu over a month in advance, I asked people to email me about food issues. This person didn’t talk to me beforehand or even at the event – they complained to my servers. And with their stated food issues, they should have been able to eat everything but the dessert. It hurts me that I had someone go home hungry, is there anything else I could have done? -Compulsive Cook
Dear Cook,
You are an incredibly careful and considerate cook who goes above and beyond to feed your diners, even if they have difficulties with various ingredients. What you are not is a mind reader or omniscient deity of food who can rain down precise nectar and ambrosia. You are doing all that you should and then some, but it is not your problem if an attendee cannot take responsibility for themselves.
Our volunteer culture often lavishes the most remarkable foods and best service upon our SCA diners. However, there are those who repeatedly forget that they are getting an incredible meal for less than $20 a person, and that no one making or serving the meal is being paid for their work. As a cook, you do not work for these people. Rather, you create an experience of flavor and time and culture with your body, mind and soul and at the end most will be thankful, but there’s always ‘those people’ who will bitch.
If anyone complains to your servers about food, remind them that they are not in a resturaunt. If they still have complaints, give them their allotment of food on a tray and ask them to excuse themselves so everyone else can continue enjoying the meal. They aren’t paying you. They aren’t tipping your servers. They are not going to blast your business on Yelp. Just boot them.
Personal responsibility, care, consideration and manners are for everyone, not just event staff.
Hope this helps,
-Goody Advice
Dear Goody, I’m an Olympic level fencer. Been playing about 8 months or so, mainly while serving as Queen’s Champion. I got authorized during the week before that event. My question: I should be expecting to be made a MoD at step down, right? -Mighty Sword
Dear Mighty,
Mighty may be the sword, but mightier is the pen so please, read closely. Your prowess is delightful. It really is. Everyone is quite impressed by it. However, prowess and fighting does not (or should not) a Peer make. If this were just about sword prowess, you would still be standing in an echoing gymnasium full of white jacketed fencers or an empty field of sweaty and dusty fighters with sticks of rattan. However, you chose this medieval club and want to become a member of its highest awarded ranks.
A Peer must possess prowess in their primary form (fighting, art or service) but also be an adept leader who understands the SCA on a deeper level. Peers should know how to negotiate the Society’s requirements and needs to make local groups, events and Kingdoms happen. Otherwise, there is no SCA. Peers are often called up to hold offices and run events when others are unable or unwilling. So are the people who should be Peers, but that is for other advice.
Peers should teach. Without moving their primary form to the next generation of the Society, a person has merely been a bright flash. What we need is small fires that are kindled and added to, expanding into communities with teaching and inclusion. Peers start things that grow and take root, changing the SCA. This is often the path to peerage, not just the role of a Peer.
Peers must also be known. Your renown in prowess, leadership and training others in these fields should take your name far beyond you local group. This does not require a constant spotlight, but it does mean a bit of time and not being a dick. Consider that as you move forward in the Society and meet new people. You are constantly creating an impression and that memory will follow you for many years to come.
So no, you will likely not be a MOD at the upcoming event. Hopefully you now have a better understanding of what the populace, peerages and Crown will be looking for in you and can move forward with a deeper understanding.
Hope this helps,
-Goody Advice
Dear Goody, I came out to my SCA friends as being trans and with that came a change in pronouns. That was several years ago, but I keep getting people insisting that my pronouns are the ones they think I should use. I’m tearing my hair out and about to sell off my gear and start raising goats in my backyard. How do I deal with people who don’t respect who I am? -They
Dear They,
Individuals can legally change their last names when they get married and SCAdians sometimes change names and personas like the seasons. If your ‘friends’ cannot try, and try hard, to address you correctly, then are ‘they’ the sort of friends who ‘you’ should put your trust, care, effort and time into? Of course, people will make mistakes and slip up. I bet you understand that and are kind to them, even if you have to clench your jaw a bit.
Moving to they/them pronouns seems to be especially hard for many people to grasp because they have little experience with not gendering a person or, it can be linguistically awkward at first. Still, these are small barriers to break through. The issue of properly addressing a friend, no matter the name or pronoun comes down to being a good, kind and thoughtful friend. If someone wants to change, they can but may need help. If they ask for help, try to be lenient and teach. If someone does not want to change, well, it does become a bit glaringly obvious, no?
Make the choices that are best for ‘you’, not for ‘them’ even if it may mean a few less ‘friends’. To be very honest, in the end you will still have precisely the same number of friends. It will just be more obvious.
RIDING OF HOLLEKE TOR, KINGDOM OF AETHER – When we came up with Good Garb Bingo, we had a discussion in the newsroom that we should make it the first in an occasional series. This week, we have the next installment: Tournament Bingo!
As it’s a long weekend for much of the Knowne World, with the first of the Large Events of the Summer, we hope you will enjoy this offering to keep you engaged with various types of marshal tournaments. We tried to not make it exclusive to either the rattan or fencing fields, but looking at the commonalities of both.
At the link below are 30 randomized bingo cards, with positive things to spot at a tournament. Just like Good Garb Bingo, we’ve made sure that you have spaces to write names, and we encourage you to use this when writing your award recommendations or at least familiarize yourself with the fighters in your area. Please feel free to share this post, download and print our bingo cards, and take to your next big tourney event.
Whatever you do, though, don’t shout “bingo!” in the third bout of the finals – the marshals may get upset at you.
BARONY OF UNSER HAFEN, OUTLANDS — Their Excellencies’ court at May Day in the Park descended into chaos as dozens of children present went into what emergency personnel who attended the scene are calling a photosensitive epileptic event. The incident, apparently triggered during a court presentation of artifacts of the Society for Creative Anachronism’s history, has parents demanding answers from the presenters of these items.
Although medical officials have yet to officially pinpoint the cause of these seizures, witnesses at the scene report that the first symptoms presented during the display of a unique textile artifact. Strangely, none of these dozens of witnesses have been able to give a description of the fabric in question that matches any other witness’ description. The only element of the description that all witnesses can agree on is that the pattern of the fabric was tartan.
“I wasn’t prepared for that cloth,” commented His Lordship Widukind of Corvey, “The whole thing was initially set up as schtick.”
“Yeah – they shouldn’t have just sprung it on us,” agreed Rosina O’Moran, “The artifacts were introduced as a walk down memory lane for long-time Society members, but nobody was prepared for… THAT. I’ve never seen anything like that plaid, and I’ll never be able to unsee it.”
Master Janus von Koelgs, the Laurel who created the presentation at the center of this controversy, claims that it was not his intention to put anyone at risk. Rather, he came up with the idea of displaying these items to the populace after coming across a previously unpacked box in his attic labeled: “LOST AND FOUND – PENNSIC 2002”. Master Janus alleges that his only goal was to achieve some cheap laughs.
Media experts contacted by The SCAllion have compared the event to the infamous Pokémon incident of 1997, during which hundreds of children across Japan experienced seizures in reaction to an animation sequence within an episode of the popular television show. Physicians who examined the tartan have theorized that the color combinations and pattern may have replicated the Japanese animation technique known as “paka paka,” which broadcasts alternating red and blue flashing lights at a rate of 12Hz for six seconds. This technique has been cited as the cause of the mass seizures in Japan.
Although no further updates have been provided at this time, sources report that the cloth has been identified by experts as a genuine piece of the notoriously gaudy MacBeighn plaid. According to the same sources, DNA testing is currently being carried out to determine exactly which MacBeighn left their armor bag at Pennsic, but the contents of the bag, which include, among other things, a red and black pickle-barrel chest plate fashioned in the style of the samurai, a soldering iron, and an Italian Renaissance codpiece so large and ornate that it would make Dr. Frank N. Furter squeamish, provide no answers.
The SCAllion will provide updates as more information emerges.
BARONY OF EPLAHEIMR, DRACHENWALD – Lord Patrick Sean Kelly O’Brien was visiting Ireland and wanted to go to a Society for Creative Anachronism event while he was there. “After all,” he said, “Drachenwald is where my persona comes from.” He was very disappointed after attending a revel in the Barony of Eplaheimr, however, claiming it wasn’t a real event at all and was impossible to understand as well.
“I thought I’d be getting a nice SCA court, but instead it was all garbled and incomprehensible. There were too many “b”s and “v”s and I couldn’t understand a word.. They kept shouting “A BOO” like it was Halloween or something. It was all A BOO this, and A BOO that.”
The SCAllion suggested that perhaps court was being held in Irish, but Lord Patrick dismissed the idea, “It was gibberish. I know what Irish sounds like, I grew up in Boston.”
When The SCAllion spoke to Baroness Joceyln de Fresnel of Eplaheimr about Lord Patrick’s comments, she just sighed.
BARONY OF DARKWOOD, THE WEST – For the last three months, the Knowne World has been on pins and needles as the effects of the “Alligator Incident” of Pennsic 49 rippled outwards. The SCAllion has reported on this incident extensively. Now, in this latest chapter of the ongoing saga, a class action libel lawsuit has been filed in the Superior Court of California, Santa Carla County, against the SCA, Inc. and several individuals involved in the issuing of sanctions against the lifeguards and watch personnel involved in the Alligator Incident.
The lead plaintiff has now been identified as Robin of Sundered Oak, resident of Æthelmearc, the lifeguard who tried to stop a Duke from bringing alligators to swim in the lake at Pennsic and was sanctioned by the Board of Directors for his enforcement of the rules. According to court filings, Robin and the other lifeguards and safety personnel similarly situated are seeking damages for published statements on the part of Reginbold Strubel, the Society Earl Marshal at the time of the incident and the initial issuer of sanctions, Merione Ferquair of Melby as the spokesperson for the Board of Directors, Board member Leon de Paris, Society Seneschal Gepheffray de la Bourdonnaye, and the Society for Creative Anachronism itself. The suit alleges that these defendants recklessly published false statements about the incident, about Robin, and about the lifeguards and watch personnel at Pennsic, including the claim that Robin had violated the community standards of the Society, as well as negative statements about the effectiveness and integrity of the safety staff at Pennsic.
The SCAllion will follow the news of this lawsuit very closely over the coming months.
PS: Jaws tells us we have to say that this is a fictional satire intended to make a point, and that no lawsuit actually has been filed against anyone. Nor is The SCAllion suggesting that a lawsuit could or should be filed.
PPS: Jaws also suggests we mention that, if you go to Santa Carla looking for a courthouse, watch out for the vampires.
BARONY OF HIDDEN MOUNTAIN, ATLANTIA – A biohazard quarantine area has been declared in an area of suburban Charleston in response to what SCAllion reporters have heard described as a “horrifying nightmare” of an armor bag. Ten square blocks have been cordoned off and the perimeter is currently surrounded by military personnel and people in hazmat suits.
Speaking with Cassandra Wilkes, 27, who offered to clear the air regarding the on-going situation. “I don’t do SCA, but my daddy did. I knew he had armor and fought and stuff. He passed last fall and we finally got to clearing some of his things. When I found his old army bag in the garage, I didn’t know what was in it, but lord preserve me!”
Stumbling unknowingly onto the armor bag of the late Lord Robert de Calais, she opened it to find a revolting moldy mass that had once been a gambeson and leather armor. “When I came to after passing out from the smell, I ran into the house and found a mask and a bottle of vodka. That kills mold, so I figured I’d pour it all in, maybe that would help. But I swear when I did, I heard it laugh! I think I even heard the words “more!” Whatever is in that bag ain’t natural no more!”
Following this failed effort, the deleterious effects of opening the bag began to spread through the neighborhood. “I mean, dogs started barking all over and I could hear coughing from the neighbor’s house. A car alarm even went off! I got out of there as quick as I could and called the police!”
Authorities on site refused further comment but indicated that there was no further immediate danger and the quarantine was out of an abundance of caution. Several people in hazmat suits could be seen carrying a large crate stamped “Specimen” in bold stenciled letters, escorted by soldiers with rifles out of the area.
The SCAllion offers its condolences to the Wilkes family for their recent loss and will continue to monitor the situation for developments.
BARONY OF BODLINGTONE, BODLANDIA – The Board of Directors announced the formation of a new investigative committee to address some recent concerns with the membership, sanctions, and community standards. The three person committee held a press conference to discuss their brief. First to speak was chairperson Baron Dion of Trumpington.
DT: “Thank you for coming to this briefing. It’s the best briefing, the most important briefing possibly of all the briefings in period. The BoD has sanctions, the best sanctions, the strongest sanctions, which is good, since this Board has been persecuted more than any board in history. Worst persecutions by these people, very bad people, and these sanctions are not being imposed on enough of these people, these bad people, from the most corrupt – really very bigly corrupt – parts of our society, our great society. God bless the SCA.”
The chair then passed the microphone to Josephine Von Stiehl, who informed The SCAllion that they preferred the gender-neutral title “Comrade.”
JS: “Comrades! Too long have we allowed the ideologically impure to pollute our body politic! There must be only correct thought in our structures and governance. Effective immediately all groups of Baronial level and higher will have another required officer, that of Political Officer, or Commissar, to ensure that the will of the people as articulated by the Board is being correctly interpreted and implemented.”
JS (cont): “There will also be a new five-year plan. That is to say all Board terms of office will be five years, with an automatic five year extension.”
Comrade Von Stiehl yielded to the final member, Count Joseph Talegonner.
JT: “I have here a list of over 125 woke-ists, marshalls, fencers, and late-period trouble-makers already occupying offices at Kingdom, Principality, and local levels! This is unacceptable. These troublemakers could cause damage to our great Board, I mean Society. Comrade von Stiehl and their Commissars will immediately begin sanction procedures under the new Community Standards guidelines.”
The SCAllion: “When will the new guidelines be published?”
DT: “The guidelines are the best guidelines, secret, very secret, as a matter of Corporate Security. This is the sort of gotcha question which the lame-stream bloggers, worst bloggers, not funny, very bad, and should be stopped.”
JS: “The guidelines are classified, which is why we’ve all got copies on our phones, laptops, and a few paper copies at our homes.”
The SCAllion: “Is this the beginning of a Corporate Inquisition?”
JT: “I didn’t expect that question. No, this is not an inquisition since we feel that we don’t need to ask any questions since we already know everything we need to know.”
With that the Unscadian Activities Committee closed the briefing. The SCAllion has been informed that going forward, meetings of the UAC will remain closed and off the record.
the SCAllion 
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