BARONY OF HIDDEN MOUNTAIN, ATLANTIA – A biohazard quarantine area has been declared in an area of suburban Charleston in response to what SCAllion reporters have heard described as a “horrifying nightmare” of an armor bag. Ten square blocks have been cordoned off and the perimeter is currently surrounded by military personnel and people in hazmat suits.
Speaking with Cassandra Wilkes, 27, who offered to clear the air regarding the on-going situation. “I don’t do SCA, but my daddy did. I knew he had armor and fought and stuff. He passed last fall and we finally got to clearing some of his things. When I found his old army bag in the garage, I didn’t know what was in it, but lord preserve me!”
Stumbling unknowingly onto the armor bag of the late Lord Robert de Calais, she opened it to find a revolting moldy mass that had once been a gambeson and leather armor. “When I came to after passing out from the smell, I ran into the house and found a mask and a bottle of vodka. That kills mold, so I figured I’d pour it all in, maybe that would help. But I swear when I did, I heard it laugh! I think I even heard the words “more!” Whatever is in that bag ain’t natural no more!”
Following this failed effort, the deleterious effects of opening the bag began to spread through the neighborhood. “I mean, dogs started barking all over and I could hear coughing from the neighbor’s house. A car alarm even went off! I got out of there as quick as I could and called the police!”
Authorities on site refused further comment but indicated that there was no further immediate danger and the quarantine was out of an abundance of caution. Several people in hazmat suits could be seen carrying a large crate stamped “Specimen” in bold stenciled letters, escorted by soldiers with rifles out of the area.
The SCAllion offers its condolences to the Wilkes family for their recent loss and will continue to monitor the situation for developments.
SHIRE OF ARDANROE, GLEANN ABHANN — History was made last week, when the rapier fighters of Ardanroe submitted a formal proposal to Kingdom that stipulated that use of the late-period garment known as trunk hose be limited to members of the rapier community. The proposal is making waves, as it is the first requested sumptuary law not based on regalia or modern sensibilities.
The origin of the proposal is largely attributed to one incident that took place at the Athenian Symposium of the Arts and Sciences. Ambitious apprentice, Lord Claude Tanquerel, created a spectacular entry centered around a pair of hand-created Bohemian trunk hose. Unfortunately, the quality of the research and garment did not garner the attention they both deserved so much as Squire Saebjorn Sørensen, Lord Tanquerel’s husband, who had graciously agreed to act as model for the trunk hose. Only ever seen in a T-tunic prior to the Symposium, attendees were astonished to discover that Sørensen possesses exceptionally attractive legs.
News of his shapely calves has quickly spread throughout the kingdom and currently has the rapier community in a state of panic. “I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen photos,” said Don Mariotto d’Agnolo, “We’re used to the Knowne World revolving around heavy fighters, but trunk hose? Trunk hose is our thing!”
“He’s not wrong,” agreed Awliff MacConnogh, “There’s a lot of belt-chasers out there. For many of us, all we have is our legs. If heavy fighters start edging in on our action, we might as well rebrand as a monastic order.”
When asked for comment, Sørensen appeared sheepish, “Look, I didn’t ask for all this attention! I was doing a favor for my husband. The focus should be on the hose, not the legs inside the hose!” It has been noted by various heavy fighters that this infamy may hamper Sørensen’s path to knighthood, as his knight is disturbed by the thought that he may be mentoring the Society equivalent of Pippa Middleton.In any case, The SCAllion very much looks forward to seeing the proposal debated among Kingdom officials. More updates to come as the situation develops.
BARONY OF BODLINGTONE, KINGDOM OF BODLANDIA – Count Rupert the Weasel, currently facing a revocation and denial of membership for his role in the “Viscounty mill” scandal, has approached the Board seeking a plea deal.
The “Viscounty mill” was a pay-for-peerage scheme run by the Count when he was King of a kingdom whose name is not being released by the Board since the investigation is still ongoing. The scheme hinged on the fact that the length of a principality reign is not defined in Corpora. King Rupert used this fact to alter the length of the reign to thirty minutes and restricted each Coronet tournament to two entrants. This enabled him and his co-conspirators to conduct 33 principality reigns over the course of a weekend event and invest 40 new viscountesses and 26 new viscounts.
Rupert has offered to grass up the names of the officers who helped him design the scheme, as well as the names of the Crowns of six other kingdoms who expressed interest in the idea. He has also volunteered to forfeit the profits from the scheme to the kingdom travel fund. In exchange he would like to retain his membership in the Order of Chivalry, while being stripped of all other honors.
The Board has already received a petition seeking clemency for the Count which was signed by 40 viscountesses and 26 viscounts. No word has been provided to The SCAllion yet if the 66 individuals are considered to be acting within Community Standards.
PRINCIPALITY OF CYNAGUA, THE WEST – For the first time in the Principality of Cynagua’s history a slate of training programs for officers and marshals has gotten past the theoretical stage to actually be written into a coherent and sustainable program for all officers and a parallel training program for marshals has been made a part of Principality law and policy.
Officers, who have long complained about the lack of codified, consistent training will now have to attend either an in-person or virtual class in advance of taking over an office and again within the first six months of holding the office. Failure to do so will result in immediate sanction, and loss of dessert at all feasts, forever.
All marshals in all disciplines will have to attend practical, hands-on classes to show that they know the latest version of the Kingdom’s rules for their specific martial discipline. Any marshal who cites a rules set more than 10 years out of date will be immediately suspended and required to assist with field breakdown at their next three events.
Lifeguards will be required to join the Known World Lifeguard Union, and attend alligator wrestling classes.
Not everyone is in favor of the new initiatives. “Safety, smafety! We did fine for the first 50+ years of the Society. Not sure why we should change,” said Sir Godfried aus Turigen. We caught up to Sir Godfried in the emergency room of the hospital where he was having his arm splinted from an unsafe blow.
All questions about the new Principality laws should be directed to the Principality’s seneschal or one of their raccoons.
Atlantia has recently seen a succession of Crowns all belonging to a single household, with three of the five couples achieving their duchy. We sat down with the original duchess of the household, Her Grace Emmeline Neuburg, OL, to ask her how the household has managed seven consecutive reigns.
The SCAllion: Your Grace, the Neubergs have had seven reigns in a row, and today the seventh steps down from the throne. Duncan and Rhiannon are both members of the household, correct?
Emmeline Neuburg: Yes, they are. Duncan was my late husband’s squire, and Rhiannon is my apprentice.
S: How does it feel to be at the end of a four year run of your household supporting royalty?
EN: I think it has been very helpful to everyone in the household to understand exactly what it means to sit on the thrones before they fight in Crown, because we’ve all been very involved from the beginning. I’m just sorry that Michael passed away last spring and didn’t get to see our plan through.
S: Your plan?
EN: Of course. In many ways, this has been a culmination of both his training methods and my A&S project into appropriate period performance-enhancing supplements.
S: Can you explain further?
EN: I’m a Laurel now, but when Michael and I were first getting serious about Crown Tournament, I hadn’t found where I wanted to focus my research. Now, being a Queen is disruptive to actually getting research done, but after the first time, I decided I wanted to look at the work of women herbalists and midwives. I found one “recipe for soldiers” that I thought looked interesting, and made a batch to enter at Pennsic A&S. Well, Michael, bless his heart, grabbed the wrong bottle just before the field battle. He came back in sucha good mood and not at all tired!
S: So, the effect was to give him more energy?
EN: In so many ways. He’d fought in the front of every battle and said it was like he’d just finished warm ups. Of course, now I didn’t have an entry, but we’d found something worth knowing.
I kept refining the recipe, looking at other similar examples, and he used it before every Crown he fought in and won.
About 5 years ago, his former squires were starting to get really serious about Crown, so he stepped up the household practices and we talked about what it would look like to have a solid bloc of royalty with the same philosophy about reigning and the continuity we could bring. We had also never tried “Duke Juice” on anyone else!
S: This is when you brought the rest of the household in on your secret?
EN: it wasn’t really a secret, most people just didn’t believe it was a period recipe, or if it was, that it did anything! Getting the correct dosage such that someone gets the benefits but not the side effects has turned out to be a little trickier than we thought, but we experimented first at fighter practices, then events and war. It was at war when their ladies started coming to me too – it let them party half the night and still be up to go to 9am classes or volunteer all day.
At which point, the household got together and decided that we were going to see if we could put together a ruling bloc for long enough to effect real change in Atlantia.
S: What were your goals, then?
EN: Oh, making sure that most of the household got their peerages as soon as possible, and that we had fewer restrictions on the marshal orders. Some minor changes in law and policy- I can’t remember all of them now, we changed them over 3 years ago, and people have become accustomed to the new ways of doing things
S: I take it your entire household is on “Duke Juice”, then?
EN: Yes! At different dosages and concentrations, that’s a lot of what my research has been! I’ve refined the recipe, now it’s about the effects on a wider group! And, really, we wouldn’t have survived four years of always having someone on the thrones without something.
S: So, what’s in your Duke Juice?
EN: I mean, my research is entered in Kingdom A&S tomorrow, so I can tell you that it’s an alcohol extraction of arctic root, Siberian ginseng, hemp, valerian root, rose root, and willow bark. It helps with anxiety, pain, energy, and the ability to get things done! I am looking forward to seeing what the rest of the kingdom does with it!
BARONY OF VATAVIA, CALONTIR – At Coronation this weekend, Their Majesties Calontir announced a change in the requirements for heavy fighting authorization: the ability to carry a tune.
Their Majesties, King Olaf Siggurdson and Queen Aliya Rosenwood, announced at Their first court that singing tests would now be required in order for any new heavy weapons authorizations. They made it clear that anyone re-authorizing would also be subject to the new requirement. “We are already the greatest field army in the Knowne World,” said King Olaf, “but we need to be the best sounding one too. We love to sing as an army when we take the field, but there are some people just dragging us down from a musical standpoint. Also, it’s a safety issue – we really don’t want to strike flat.”
Queen Aliya went on: “I am so proud of our army. Now, in keeping with our might, we need to start addressing other aspects of our greatness, and we pride ourselves on our group singing. We need to make sure we sound as great as we fight, and look! We will also need to be able to project over the new bulldozer shield wall, so we’re really looking to maximize our volume.”
Their Majesties also noted that singing lessons would be available at several major events in the kingdom, as well as many local fighter practices.
Several Huscarls objected in the back of court that they were plenty loud enough, and that requirements that people know how to sing were “against the traditions of Pavel”.
SHIRE OF DRAGOUN’S WEAL, GLEANN ABHANN, GULF WARS – Dozens of men and couples were seen leaving the battlefield Friday night carrying baskets of tissues and various lotions. “You’re damn right I’m upset,” explained Kazuya Tanaka, who wished to remain anonymous. “I came to see people doing the deed and all I got were a bunch of dudes in the least-revealing armor I’ve ever seen! You couldn’t even see most of their faces!”
One woman, who identified herself only as Jill, and her partner, Marcus Cobham, seemed more disappointed than upset. “I saw the event listed in the porta-potty and it seemed like maybe a fun way to start a Friday night,” Jill said. “But now he,” she stated, pointing to Marcus, who was busy browsing the Armour Archive on his phone, “won’t shut up about how nice one guy’s legs were.”
The Deed of Arms, or simply “the Deed,” is an invitation-only combat featuring combatants sporting the finest of historical fourteenth century armors. They engage in combats simulating sport melees of the day and attempt to hold each other for ransom, which all participants are obligated to have on hand.
“I’m not sure what the fuss is about,” said Sir Gui d’Orleans, captain of the French team. “The turnout was spectacular, more than usual, actually. Though when I got captured, someone yelled something about doing it already? I don’t know,” he finished with a shrug.
The SCAllion is likewise unsure of what raised the ire of so many onlookers, as the combat appeared to be honorably executed with great displays of chivalry and friendship all around.
SHIRE OF DRAGOUN’S WEAL, GLEANN ABHANN – Data released from Gulf Wars suggests that telling blows are up 14% over last year, with over 8,000 casualties reported in the ongoing “War with no enemies.”
Local officials were quick to note that the traditional Thursday thunderstorms were absent this year, leading to an unusual occurrence where all war points were held.
“The fact of the matter is we usually lose at least one battle to weather,” a Gulf Wars representative said. “We had about 15% more war, so it makes sense that we had about 15% more casualties.”
The SCAllion caught up with Erzog Lefrich on the side of the ravine, taking a moment before resurrecting to add tape to his knee cop. “It sucks, you know,” he said. “But that’s what it means to follow your King on campaign. You gather your gear when he calls, and kiss your family goodbye, knowing you may not see them again,” adding “until dinner.”
Asked if he was scared, Lefrich thought for a moment. “There’s not really time to be scared on the shieldwall,” he said, “There are things that I dread, though. I don’t want to die, no one does. The walk to and from Resurrection Point is kind of a trek. But the worst is going out there and dying from an anonymous crossbow bolt before you ever get to do hero shit.”
Gulf Wars typically has about 7,200 casualties, and accounts for a real-world cost of up to 30,000 days of PTO.
BARONY OF STORMHOLD, LOCHAC – In a strange turn of events one of the largest heavy fighting tournaments in Lohac has gone Strictly Ballroom. Due to a scheduling snafu, the fighter favorite Stormhold Tournament Series event had some flashy crowd-pleasing competition.
The Australian Ballroom Federation’s Southern District’s Waratah Championships, which has taken place on the same date since 1973, had been double booked with the event’s indoor spaces.
“I couldn’t believe it,” said event steward Lady Franscisca Luhrmann, “all our planning shot because of these dancers unwilling to compromise!” Most of the combatants seemed unimpressed as well. “I was so distracted by the sequins and big hair, I couldn’t land a single wrap shot!” Duke Stephen Hastings was heard to lament.
One squire was surprisingly excited about the clash of competitions. “One of the coaches was really great!” Lord Kenneth Railings told the reporter. “He promised to show me this dance move called the Bogo Pogo. Said it could help with my offside defense!”
There’s no news yet if the Australian National Ballroom competition will conflict with Lochac Crown.
BARONY OF BRONZEHELM, ARTEMISIA – Kingdom rattan fighters are rallying against new safety guidance from the Society Earl Marshal on the heels of a damning report released by the Mayo Clinic last month. “I don’t feel like there’s any real danger in clubbing my friend in the head till they yield,” said Lord Darius Magnus Titus. “They knew what they signed up for. At least I think I know what I signed up for. I don’t really remember to be honest. I just know I love fighting!”
Researchers at the prestigious hospital published recent findings from their most recent Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy research. “Getting hit in the head at any level is bad for you. The effects of multiple or compounding mild or micro-concussions have the cumulative effect of one or two major concussions, while also not giving the brain any time to heal between them,” Dr. Stephen Patel stated. “Seriously, doing any sport or activity where getting hit in the head is encouraged is an absurdly horrible idea.”
The Society Earl Marshal’s new guidance is not solid rules against fighting with concussion but rather strong suggestions that fighters consider any blow to the head as “good” and that they sit out for at least 30 min after any headshot. It also directs marshals to examine helmet padding for sufficient protection before every practice and event.
“Nobody here has ever had any problems,” three-time Duke and experimental steel fighter Sir Maximilian de Chiverny said. “I think we as a fighting community would be open to talking about any long lasting negative effects our sport has on one of us. But really, I have no memory… of it coming up before.”
When shown the research data the Kingdom Earl Marshal listed a number of reasons why this might not apply to SCA fighting. “I’m no doctor, but it seems to me that people aren’t taking into account the mass of the helmet. Helmet mass and padding does a lot to help stave off concussions. Maybe if those NFL players strapped a good 17-pound steel barrel helm on their head you’d see less injuries in their sport.”
the SCAllion 
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