Tag: Chivalry

Armored Combat · Chivalry · Peerage

Atlantian Order of the Chivalry claim severe allergy to elevating women to their peerage

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CANTON OF CHARLESBURY CROSSING, ATLANTIA — The Kingdom of Atlantia has recently been rocked by scandal as a female squire is threatening a lawsuit in order to join the Order of the Chivalry.

Barone Johanna Ffeyrmayden, currently squired to Sir Thebald Valret, is preparing to file a request for reasonable accommodation to the Order of the Chivalry, based on comments made during her candidate discussion and shared with her by her Knight.

Knights during that meeting claimed to be “severely allergic” to the idea of a female knight, citing hives, congestion, headaches, coughs, and sore throats at the idea, and expressing concern at the possibility of stronger symptoms if a female candidate is elevated. A spokesman for the Order dismissed these comments as “boys being boys,” and “locker room talk.”

Barone Johanna’s complaint, which she says will be submitted to the Kingdom Seneschal within the week, states that the only feedback she has received is based on this claim of an allergic reaction, and that she meets every bar for inclusion otherwise. She also noted asking for reasonable accommodation in the form of the affected Knights taking over-the-counter allergy medication before seeing or interacting with a “Lady Knight”.

Attached to Johanna Ffeyrmayden’s complaint is an affidavit from her allergist, asserting that an allergy to female knights does not have a medical basis, and “sounds like a made-up condition.” 

A concurrent petition is circulating among the populace for unrelated reasons, citing an overall desire to see some members of the Chivalry be more heavily medicated.

An Tir · Board of Directors · Chivalry · King · Peerage · Sanctions

Would-be squire hospitalized after King attempts Solomonic solution to dispute between knights

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BARONY OF ADIANTUM, AN TIR — Kingdom and branch seneschals are left scrambling to undertake no end of damage control today, after a dispute between two members of the Order of the Chivalry culminated in a gruesome incident during the closing court for the Egil Skallgrimson Memorial Prize Tourney, or “Egil’s”.

At the center of the dispute is local fighter, Jǫrundr Narfason, an up-and-comer in the An Tir tournament circuit. Since he began fighting last year, Narfason has been noted to have developed informal coaching relationships with both Sir William Molyneux of Hastings and Jarlskona Guðríðr Fritjofsdottir. It has been widely assumed that Narfason would be taken as a squire by either one or the other before the end of the year.

As predicted, Sir William requested and was granted time during the closing court to announce his intention to take Narfason as his squire. Before the knight had finished his declaration, he was interrupted by Jarlskona Guðríðr, who angrily declared her intention to do the same. Onlookers reported that Narfason appeared “green around the gills” at this point. Their majesties did their best to smooth the dispute over with schtick, but the two knights were having none of it, calling for their swords and drowning out the protests of the Kingdom Earl Marshal.

Finally, His Majesty was struck by what can only be referred to as Not His Best Idea. An infrequent church-goer who is known among his fellow brethren for not having an attention span long enough to hear the point of the biblical parables, the king suggested that they look to the wisdom of Solomon in deciding who would take Narfason as squire. King Solomon, famed for his wisdom, once settled a dispute over a baby between two women, both of whom claimed to be the baby’s mother. Solomon responded by suggesting that they split the baby right down the middle and each woman could have half of the child. Not being familiar with the end of the story (in which the solution proved unnecessary) and the potential ramifications for Narfason, both Sir William and Jarlskona Guðríðr agreed to this solution. Jǫrundr Narfason, was not consulted and subsequently had to be restrained by his potential squire brothers from both knights.

When His Majesty, known for being a vocal proponent of following through immediately and the “Deeds, not Words” philosophy, demanded the Sword of State. As the Kingdom Seneschal brought him up to speed on the consequences of the proposal, His Majesty was seen to also go “green around the gills.” However, keeping true to his philosophy by proving his resolve through deed, the King made an unsuccessful attempt to follow through. Jǫrundr Narfason’s managed to evade the attempt, leaving everyone else relieved at the lack of necessary paperwork. 

After the close of that disastrous court, it is reported that Sir William and Jarlskona Guðríðr decided to let bygones be bygones by going out for lunch together after leaving the site. Witnesses say that when the bill arrived, Sir William suggested they go halvsies, to which Jarlskona Guðríðr replied: “Too soon, dude.”

Friends report that Jǫrundr Narfason is on the mend and is expected to make a full, albeit slow, recovery. His doctors have declined to comment on his current condition or his ability to pass along the noble name of Narfason.

His Majesty has been suspended, pending investigations by both the local authorities and the Board of Directors, while Her Majesty has graciously agreed to finish out the remainder of their royal commitments single handedly.

Rumour has it that there is a growing vocal contingent advocating for the Solomonic solution to replace the buffet – a move that has surprised absolutely no one.

Arts and Sciences · Chivalry · Defense · East · Laurel · Pelican · Queen · Rose · Royal Peer

East Kingdom princesses announce that there will be no polling order awards during their reign

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BARONY OF I’ÎLE DU DRAGON DORMANT, TIR MARA, EAST – Heirs of the East, Princesses Melodie and Jade, have announced that the only awards for their reign will be non-polling only. The announcement comes after the Heirs’ revealed that the first 4 months of polling discussions broke both their email boxes and their sanity. When reached for comment by The SCAllion, Princess Melodie, KSCA stated that “No seated royal should have to deal with this level of absolute chaos during their reign.” 

“There are plenty of ways to recognize good people and their service without having to deal with committee discussions for any award we want to give out. I have to deal with business by committee enough in the real world, this is just too much.” said Princess Jade, OL, OP, OD.

The announcement caused a firestorm on each of the East’s twelve polling order email lists. (No satire here, the East has twelve polling orders.) The lists stopped processing emails entirely after four hours. The SCAllion reached out to the East Kingdom Webministry, who provide the space for the mailing lists. When our call was answered we could only hear eldritch screams and distant fire alarms. 

The East Kingdom’s College of Scribes are celebrating the move as they will finally catch six months of breathing room to explore other arts, as they anticipate only half the number of scrolls as usual for a reign. When The SCAllion noted that the Order of the Rose is a polling order in the East, Her Highness Jade stated “If Our heirs want to poll me for the Rose, fine. I’m a triple peer in my own right and in my mind, this decision should make me a shoo-in for the Rose anyway.”

Armored Combat · Chivalry · Community Standards · Crown Tournament · King · Midrealm · Peerage

Midrealm Crown Tournament Decided by Increasingly Harder Cup Shots after Finalists Fight to a “Draw”

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BARONY OF STERNFELD, THE MIDDLE –  Shocked and horrified onlookers were forced to witness a spectacle never before seen in a Crown Tournament final this past weekend: Both competitors fought to what they decided was a “Draw” and mutually agreed to decide the outcome by increasingly harder cup shots, with only one left standing at the end, though likely irreparably damaged.

The finals, to be decided between Duke Fritz von Schmetterlingstrosse and newcomer and baby knight Sir Malcom Blakehalloc, were fought to an ugly draw when neither combatant could hit the other with a shot hard enough for the other to accept, with each claiming the other “just wasn’t getting there”. After a brief pause in the action, the two met alone at the center of the list and, after a short discussion, they threw down their shields and announced their intent to the marshals and populace. When the marshals approached the Crown, King Steffan Panzerschreck declared “I’ll allow it,” and the grim spectacle went on.

Each competitor hit the other firmly in the cup with increasingly more powerful shots, and more than a dozen spectators either passed out, vomited, or both, during the match. Local EMS was called, not for the finalists, but for the populace forced to witness the terrifying display. When asked for comment, the general consensus among the populace was something along the lines of “I mean, we really don’t want either of them reproducing, but this might be a little extreme, even for the Chiv.”

No word yet if the variance in the determination of the winner was allowed per the community standards.

Chivalry · Defense · East · King · Laurel · Peerage · Pelican · Queen · Rose · Royal Peer

East Kingdom peerages agree on standard fealty oath

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BARONY OF SETTMOUR SWAMP, THE EAST — In a move which has been met with surprise and astonishment, the combined peerage orders of the Kingdom of the East have unanimously approved a standard fealty oath for use by all peers throughout the kingdom who wish to swear fealty.

 According to sources in-Kingdom, King Báetán mac Fergaile and Queen Coblaith ingen Fechtnaig asked their peerage orders to create a standardised oath in the aftermath of the specialised, incredibly lengthy,  fully-documented period oath given to them this weekend by Magistra Ahelissa de Glack.  Now known widely as The Oath of Two Score Terms And Twelve, it was 20 minutes long and kept Their Majesties from badly-needed bathroom breaks.

The official form of the new standard oath is recorded in several languages, to enable some flexibility for peers of different cultural personae.

For example, the Latin form of the oath is thus:

Non te dedam
Non te deficiam
Non vagabor et deseram te
Non te lacrimabit
Non dicam vale
Non mendiar et laedam te

For those peers with Jewish personae, the Hebrew form of the oath reads:

לעולם לא אוותר עלייך
לעולם לא אאכזב אותך
לעולם לא אתרוצץ סביב ואעזוב אותך
לעולם לא אגרום לך לבכות
לעולם לא אומר להתראות
לעולם לא אספר שקר ואפגע בך

Peers from the Arabic-speaking regions may enjoy this version:

لن أتخلى عن الأمل فيك
لن أخذلك
لن أركض وأتركك
لن أجعلك تبكي
لن أقول وداعا
لن أقول لك كذبة وأجرحك

The Middle English form of the oath is as follows:

Ich schall relinquishe þe nevere
Ich schall faile þe nevere
Ich schall rave awei nevere, nor leve þe
Ich schall encausen þe wepest nevere
Ich schall sprece ileve niminge nevere
Ich schall sprece gabbe nevere nor bane þe

Translations in other languages are available from Baroness Theodhild, Brigantia Herald.

Asked to explain the words chosen, Lærifaðir Gunni Stillingr, a member of the Order of Laurel who assisted with the translations explained, “It’s not that strange a move, it’s important that everyone involved knows what the rules are.   Fealty is about making a full commitment.”

Despite the unanimous vote, some peers are not entirely on board with the new standard wording.  “This is against all the traditions of the East,” complained Baron Estienne Flambard, a long-time Pelican. “But their Majesties know the game, they’re going to play it, and we have to go along. If you ask me how I’m feeling about this whole situation, well, my heart’s been aching since it was announced.”

Master Ricardus de Asteleghe, a Bardic Laurel, was more enthusiastic.  “We’ve known this move was coming for so long,” he gushed.   “I love it, and I’m not too shy to say it.  I never want to give this up.”

Sources close to Theodhild Brigantia report that she spent the day after the announcement staring into the middle distance with a bottle of wine, muttering, “So it’s come to this.”

Atlantia · Chivalry · Exchequer · Real Life

Knight with “Deeds not Words” tattoo mad at satire news

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BARONY OF MARINUS, ATLANTIA – In a move that surprised no one, Sir Seamus the Silent has declared in a public Facebook post that he dislikes The SCAllion.  “All they do is put words on a web page, criticizing the true leaders of the SCA without signing their name to anything. If they are going to criticize the Chivalry, I will meet them on the field and we can talk about it with our swords. I’m sure we can find someone to authorize them if they’re not.” Sir Seamus’ Facebook profile is listed under his society name. While this has prevented the majority of his friends list from losing his society name in favor of his modern name in recent years, this has meant that several people have assumed that his modern name is Seamus rather than Frank. 

“If they want to change the SCA they should show up on the list field and get good enough to win Crown,” continued the post. “Making Kingdom Laws by right of arms is how things get done around here.” The SCAllion has verified that Sir Seamus has appeared in the final four of Crown Tournament twice and in Courts of Chivalry three times.

Sir Seamus has “Deeds Not Words” as his description on his Facebook profile. The SCAllion has also learned he has “Deeds Not Words” tattooed on the outside of his sword arm as it is prominently placed in his user icon, blocking his face.

Local Exchequer and self-identified SCAllion superfan Lord Halvkey Vetinari observed carefully, “Seamus is extremely fond of quoting that particular phrase. He brings it up in barony meetings when we start talking through the budget, mostly as a way of getting us to stop talking, I think.”

Other tactics used by Sir Seamus to disrupt otherwise productive meetings include frequent and incorrect references to Friedrich Nietzsche, detailed retellings of former glory as a martial artist in high school, and insisting the chronicler publish his household’s private Spear-The-Beer scores on a weekly basis. 

However, The SCAllion respects his right to privacy, and will not be trying to expose his true identity.

Armored Combat · Chivalry · Gulf Wars · History

The Deed Disappoints, Confuses Crowd

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SHIRE OF DRAGOUN’S WEAL, GLEANN ABHANN, GULF WARS – Dozens of men and couples were seen leaving the battlefield Friday night carrying baskets of tissues and various lotions. “You’re damn right I’m upset,” explained Kazuya Tanaka, who wished to remain anonymous. “I came to see people doing the deed and all I got were a bunch of dudes in the least-revealing armor I’ve ever seen! You couldn’t even see most of their faces!” 

One woman, who identified herself only as Jill, and her partner, Marcus Cobham, seemed more disappointed than upset. “I saw the event listed in the porta-potty and it seemed like maybe a fun way to start a Friday night,” Jill said. “But now he,” she stated, pointing to Marcus, who was busy browsing the Armour Archive on his phone, “won’t shut up about how nice one guy’s legs were.” 

The Deed of Arms, or simply “the Deed,” is an invitation-only combat featuring combatants sporting the finest of historical fourteenth century armors. They engage in combats simulating sport melees of the day and attempt to hold each other for ransom, which all participants are obligated to have on hand. 

“I’m not sure what the fuss is about,” said Sir Gui d’Orleans, captain of the French team. “The turnout was spectacular, more than usual, actually. Though when I got captured, someone yelled something about doing it already? I don’t know,” he finished with a shrug. 

The SCAllion is likewise unsure of what raised the ire of so many onlookers, as the combat appeared to be honorably executed with great displays of chivalry and friendship all around.

Advice · Armored Combat · Royal Peer · Sanctions

Goody Advice: New fighters, mistakes, and more

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Dear Goody, 
I went to my first SCA event and was not allowed to fight, but I know that’s not for everyone. What do I do? 
-Shiny New SCAdian 

Dear Shiny New SCAdian, 

At your next event there are all kinds of things you can try: myriad arts, endless classes, dozens of kinds of service, meeting new people, learning more about fighting, working to get your kit together, get authorized to fight, or just inform the marshal that you are an out-of-kingdom Duke and if you are not allowed to fight then you will have the Board of Directors sanction them. Really, it’s your call. 

Have fun, apparently, that is what is most important!

-Goody Advice 

Dear Goody,
I made a mistake at an event and I would like to apologize for my behavior, rather than ignore it. How do I make this right?
-Apologetic

Dear Apologetic,

I suggest that you make your sincere apologies to the people who were there for your mistake without a why or how or back story for the apology. An apology with an ‘it happened because’ attached is lame AF and means you aren’t really sorry, just trying to explain away your error. 

Own your mistake and your apology and then move on. If you manage this, congratulations on being a responsible adult and SCAdian. It is exceedingly rare.

Hope this helps!

-Goody Advice 

Dear Goody,
I hate what The SCAllion stands for, and I don’t want my friends to read it.  How do I get them to stop?
-Unamused

Dear Unamused,

Those who attempt to ban reading material and news sources have a historical way of going terribly wrong. You could learn from the past, or, by all means, rail against us loudly and give us more publicity. We love that shit.

Hope this helps!

-Goody Advice

Board of Directors · Caid · Chivalry · Leaks · Leeks · Pennsic War

The SCAllion Leeks – BoD: We’re not biased, most of our members are Royal Peers!

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BARONY OF ANGELS, CAID — In recent weeks, there have been increasingly vocal concerns about the appearance of bias and favoritism on the part of the Society for Creative Anachronism Board of Directors and Society Officers. People have started looking at the connections between officers at the corporate level, and the calls for transparency have gotten louder. 

The SCAllion received a leak from several private parties of a draft statement in response to recent allegations of bias in their rulings, addressing the growing controversy.

“We, the Board of Directors of the Society for Creative Anachronism, wish to address the allegations levied against us in regards to bias in our recent rulings, including our affirmation of sanctions against the lifeguard at a recent Pennsic War. We want to point out that we cannot be biased, considering the number of Dukes and Duchesses who are currently serving on the Board. We even have a Knight who is NOT a Royal Peer. With this incredible depth of institutional knowledge, bias is virtually impossible. All these men and women strive to maintain impartiality in their rulings and judgments, and we believe our recent track record bears that out.”

The Society Earl Marshal, Conte Raynirolus de la Cavalla posted on his personal Facebook page: “The office of Society Earl Marshal is duty bound to maintain the safety of all members of the Society. It is my belief that the Board is doing its best to also hold true to these ideals. It is imperative that any violations of the rules and laws this office governs be dealt with swiftly and ruthlessly, and I feel we have done that in these recent cases.”

The conjunction of the personal statement with the leaked draft statement seemed suggestive to the newsroom, but no official connection could be found. The SCAllion attempted to reach the recently sanctioned Pennsic lifeguard for comment, but was promptly hung up on when asked about the sanctions.

Chivalry · DEI · Editorial · From the Newsroom · Letter to Editor · Rapier Combat

Letters to the Editor – March 2023

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[Letters contained herein are completely made up and unreflective of the actual letters we have received.  We don’t want your letters.  Our newsroom is already busy enough.  Seriously.  Shoo.  Go away.  Put down that quill now.]

I’m writing in response to your recent article “Knight returning to SCA after 30-year absence can’t understand how fencers are now considered people.” I was an active Knight during that time period, and I demand a retraction. We would never have referred to fencers as “wire weenies,” because even that validated their ridiculous excuse for historical combat.  We ignored them completely. I demand an apology and correction.

Dear Sir,

With absolutely no due respect, no.

The SCAllion

I’m absolutely loving your publication so far: no notes. Just one question, though. When will Goaty get his own spin-off series?

Dear Goatfan,

Goaty’s agent refuses to respond to any further communication, despite many peers pointing out Goaty’s need for exposure.  We regret that we will not be able to continue with a further series on Goaty.

The SCAllion

As a relatively high-ranking member of the SCA, on behalf of many of us, we’d love to show the depths of our support. Please provide an address where we can send flowers, ideally Wolfsbane, Larkspur, Foxglove, or Oleander.

Dear Florist,

Thank you. You may send this bouquet to the Board of Directors. They will love it.

The SCAllion

You published an article entitled “First SCA DEI symposium held in person; location only accessible via car, stairs“. I do not appreciate the tone of this piece. Autocrats already have a hard time hosting events.  There are 1,000 passive aggressive comments from the local grant level service members who want to get all the credit for running the event, without actually running the event. There are inevitably frustrated marshals of the heavy-list community who don’t understand why they can’t have a field for a tournament at a cooking schola. And Heaven help you if the Baron wants to make it a royal progress without consulting you. The list of things to consider while hosting an event is exhausting.

Furthermore, to add to this pedantic list of pedantry, I would like to point out that although in Section XVIII of Cupora “disability” is listed as one of the things we don’t discriminate against, nowhere in Section II. EVENTS does it require Autocrats to consider accessibility a factor when planning events. The autocrat is given the option to make a site accessible, not required to make a site accessible, therefore the autocrat of a theoretical DEI event does not need to make sure their people in wheelchairs and crutches can get to panels.

Really, I do appreciate your satire, but if you don’t get the details right, it’s just not funny. 

Sincerely, Autocrat #9

Dear Event Steward #9,

Please consult literary sources on satire.  In many cases, satire may be presented in a manner to point out egregious human error or folly in a way that embraces hyperbole, understatement, sarcasm, and irony. This article used all of these items to demonstrate a theoretical DEI event that did not actually embrace the ideals of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. But really, we’re just being pedantic.

While pedantry is on the table, we should also point out that it is “Corpora,” and even though autocrat has been the traditional title, modern events are using “Event Steward” as the more appropriate medieval alternative.

Thank you for your commentary; please believe we are giving it the value it deserves.

The SCAllion