RIDING OF HOLLEKE TOR, KINGDOM OF AETHER – When we came up with Good Garb Bingo, we had a discussion in the newsroom that we should make it the first in an occasional series. This week, we have the next installment: Tournament Bingo!
As it’s a long weekend for much of the Knowne World, with the first of the Large Events of the Summer, we hope you will enjoy this offering to keep you engaged with various types of marshal tournaments. We tried to not make it exclusive to either the rattan or fencing fields, but looking at the commonalities of both.
At the link below are 30 randomized bingo cards, with positive things to spot at a tournament. Just like Good Garb Bingo, we’ve made sure that you have spaces to write names, and we encourage you to use this when writing your award recommendations or at least familiarize yourself with the fighters in your area. Please feel free to share this post, download and print our bingo cards, and take to your next big tourney event.
Whatever you do, though, don’t shout “bingo!” in the third bout of the finals – the marshals may get upset at you.
BARONY OF UNSER HAFEN, OUTLANDS — Their Excellencies’ court at May Day in the Park descended into chaos as dozens of children present went into what emergency personnel who attended the scene are calling a photosensitive epileptic event. The incident, apparently triggered during a court presentation of artifacts of the Society for Creative Anachronism’s history, has parents demanding answers from the presenters of these items.
Although medical officials have yet to officially pinpoint the cause of these seizures, witnesses at the scene report that the first symptoms presented during the display of a unique textile artifact. Strangely, none of these dozens of witnesses have been able to give a description of the fabric in question that matches any other witness’ description. The only element of the description that all witnesses can agree on is that the pattern of the fabric was tartan.
“I wasn’t prepared for that cloth,” commented His Lordship Widukind of Corvey, “The whole thing was initially set up as schtick.”
“Yeah – they shouldn’t have just sprung it on us,” agreed Rosina O’Moran, “The artifacts were introduced as a walk down memory lane for long-time Society members, but nobody was prepared for… THAT. I’ve never seen anything like that plaid, and I’ll never be able to unsee it.”
Master Janus von Koelgs, the Laurel who created the presentation at the center of this controversy, claims that it was not his intention to put anyone at risk. Rather, he came up with the idea of displaying these items to the populace after coming across a previously unpacked box in his attic labeled: “LOST AND FOUND – PENNSIC 2002”. Master Janus alleges that his only goal was to achieve some cheap laughs.
Media experts contacted by The SCAllion have compared the event to the infamous Pokémon incident of 1997, during which hundreds of children across Japan experienced seizures in reaction to an animation sequence within an episode of the popular television show. Physicians who examined the tartan have theorized that the color combinations and pattern may have replicated the Japanese animation technique known as “paka paka,” which broadcasts alternating red and blue flashing lights at a rate of 12Hz for six seconds. This technique has been cited as the cause of the mass seizures in Japan.
Although no further updates have been provided at this time, sources report that the cloth has been identified by experts as a genuine piece of the notoriously gaudy MacBeighn plaid. According to the same sources, DNA testing is currently being carried out to determine exactly which MacBeighn left their armor bag at Pennsic, but the contents of the bag, which include, among other things, a red and black pickle-barrel chest plate fashioned in the style of the samurai, a soldering iron, and an Italian Renaissance codpiece so large and ornate that it would make Dr. Frank N. Furter squeamish, provide no answers.
The SCAllion will provide updates as more information emerges.
BARONY OF EPLAHEIMR, DRACHENWALD – Lord Patrick Sean Kelly O’Brien was visiting Ireland and wanted to go to a Society for Creative Anachronism event while he was there. “After all,” he said, “Drachenwald is where my persona comes from.” He was very disappointed after attending a revel in the Barony of Eplaheimr, however, claiming it wasn’t a real event at all and was impossible to understand as well.
“I thought I’d be getting a nice SCA court, but instead it was all garbled and incomprehensible. There were too many “b”s and “v”s and I couldn’t understand a word.. They kept shouting “A BOO” like it was Halloween or something. It was all A BOO this, and A BOO that.”
The SCAllion suggested that perhaps court was being held in Irish, but Lord Patrick dismissed the idea, “It was gibberish. I know what Irish sounds like, I grew up in Boston.”
When The SCAllion spoke to Baroness Joceyln de Fresnel of Eplaheimr about Lord Patrick’s comments, she just sighed.
BARONY OF DARKWOOD, THE WEST – For the last three months, the Knowne World has been on pins and needles as the effects of the “Alligator Incident” of Pennsic 49 rippled outwards. The SCAllion has reported on this incident extensively. Now, in this latest chapter of the ongoing saga, a class action libel lawsuit has been filed in the Superior Court of California, Santa Carla County, against the SCA, Inc. and several individuals involved in the issuing of sanctions against the lifeguards and watch personnel involved in the Alligator Incident.
The lead plaintiff has now been identified as Robin of Sundered Oak, resident of Æthelmearc, the lifeguard who tried to stop a Duke from bringing alligators to swim in the lake at Pennsic and was sanctioned by the Board of Directors for his enforcement of the rules. According to court filings, Robin and the other lifeguards and safety personnel similarly situated are seeking damages for published statements on the part of Reginbold Strubel, the Society Earl Marshal at the time of the incident and the initial issuer of sanctions, Merione Ferquair of Melby as the spokesperson for the Board of Directors, Board member Leon de Paris, Society Seneschal Gepheffray de la Bourdonnaye, and the Society for Creative Anachronism itself. The suit alleges that these defendants recklessly published false statements about the incident, about Robin, and about the lifeguards and watch personnel at Pennsic, including the claim that Robin had violated the community standards of the Society, as well as negative statements about the effectiveness and integrity of the safety staff at Pennsic.
The SCAllion will follow the news of this lawsuit very closely over the coming months.
PS: Jaws tells us we have to say that this is a fictional satire intended to make a point, and that no lawsuit actually has been filed against anyone. Nor is The SCAllion suggesting that a lawsuit could or should be filed.
PPS: Jaws also suggests we mention that, if you go to Santa Carla looking for a courthouse, watch out for the vampires.
BARONY OF HIDDEN MOUNTAIN, ATLANTIA – A biohazard quarantine area has been declared in an area of suburban Charleston in response to what SCAllion reporters have heard described as a “horrifying nightmare” of an armor bag. Ten square blocks have been cordoned off and the perimeter is currently surrounded by military personnel and people in hazmat suits.
Speaking with Cassandra Wilkes, 27, who offered to clear the air regarding the on-going situation. “I don’t do SCA, but my daddy did. I knew he had armor and fought and stuff. He passed last fall and we finally got to clearing some of his things. When I found his old army bag in the garage, I didn’t know what was in it, but lord preserve me!”
Stumbling unknowingly onto the armor bag of the late Lord Robert de Calais, she opened it to find a revolting moldy mass that had once been a gambeson and leather armor. “When I came to after passing out from the smell, I ran into the house and found a mask and a bottle of vodka. That kills mold, so I figured I’d pour it all in, maybe that would help. But I swear when I did, I heard it laugh! I think I even heard the words “more!” Whatever is in that bag ain’t natural no more!”
Following this failed effort, the deleterious effects of opening the bag began to spread through the neighborhood. “I mean, dogs started barking all over and I could hear coughing from the neighbor’s house. A car alarm even went off! I got out of there as quick as I could and called the police!”
Authorities on site refused further comment but indicated that there was no further immediate danger and the quarantine was out of an abundance of caution. Several people in hazmat suits could be seen carrying a large crate stamped “Specimen” in bold stenciled letters, escorted by soldiers with rifles out of the area.
The SCAllion offers its condolences to the Wilkes family for their recent loss and will continue to monitor the situation for developments.
BARONY OF BODLINGTONE, BODLANDIA – The Board of Directors announced the formation of a new investigative committee to address some recent concerns with the membership, sanctions, and community standards. The three person committee held a press conference to discuss their brief. First to speak was chairperson Baron Dion of Trumpington.
DT: “Thank you for coming to this briefing. It’s the best briefing, the most important briefing possibly of all the briefings in period. The BoD has sanctions, the best sanctions, the strongest sanctions, which is good, since this Board has been persecuted more than any board in history. Worst persecutions by these people, very bad people, and these sanctions are not being imposed on enough of these people, these bad people, from the most corrupt – really very bigly corrupt – parts of our society, our great society. God bless the SCA.”
The chair then passed the microphone to Josephine Von Stiehl, who informed The SCAllion that they preferred the gender-neutral title “Comrade.”
JS: “Comrades! Too long have we allowed the ideologically impure to pollute our body politic! There must be only correct thought in our structures and governance. Effective immediately all groups of Baronial level and higher will have another required officer, that of Political Officer, or Commissar, to ensure that the will of the people as articulated by the Board is being correctly interpreted and implemented.”
JS (cont): “There will also be a new five-year plan. That is to say all Board terms of office will be five years, with an automatic five year extension.”
Comrade Von Stiehl yielded to the final member, Count Joseph Talegonner.
JT: “I have here a list of over 125 woke-ists, marshalls, fencers, and late-period trouble-makers already occupying offices at Kingdom, Principality, and local levels! This is unacceptable. These troublemakers could cause damage to our great Board, I mean Society. Comrade von Stiehl and their Commissars will immediately begin sanction procedures under the new Community Standards guidelines.”
The SCAllion: “When will the new guidelines be published?”
DT: “The guidelines are the best guidelines, secret, very secret, as a matter of Corporate Security. This is the sort of gotcha question which the lame-stream bloggers, worst bloggers, not funny, very bad, and should be stopped.”
JS: “The guidelines are classified, which is why we’ve all got copies on our phones, laptops, and a few paper copies at our homes.”
The SCAllion: “Is this the beginning of a Corporate Inquisition?”
JT: “I didn’t expect that question. No, this is not an inquisition since we feel that we don’t need to ask any questions since we already know everything we need to know.”
With that the Unscadian Activities Committee closed the briefing. The SCAllion has been informed that going forward, meetings of the UAC will remain closed and off the record.
SHIRE OF ARDANROE, GLEANN ABHANN — History was made last week, when the rapier fighters of Ardanroe submitted a formal proposal to Kingdom that stipulated that use of the late-period garment known as trunk hose be limited to members of the rapier community. The proposal is making waves, as it is the first requested sumptuary law not based on regalia or modern sensibilities.
The origin of the proposal is largely attributed to one incident that took place at the Athenian Symposium of the Arts and Sciences. Ambitious apprentice, Lord Claude Tanquerel, created a spectacular entry centered around a pair of hand-created Bohemian trunk hose. Unfortunately, the quality of the research and garment did not garner the attention they both deserved so much as Squire Saebjorn Sørensen, Lord Tanquerel’s husband, who had graciously agreed to act as model for the trunk hose. Only ever seen in a T-tunic prior to the Symposium, attendees were astonished to discover that Sørensen possesses exceptionally attractive legs.
News of his shapely calves has quickly spread throughout the kingdom and currently has the rapier community in a state of panic. “I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen photos,” said Don Mariotto d’Agnolo, “We’re used to the Knowne World revolving around heavy fighters, but trunk hose? Trunk hose is our thing!”
“He’s not wrong,” agreed Awliff MacConnogh, “There’s a lot of belt-chasers out there. For many of us, all we have is our legs. If heavy fighters start edging in on our action, we might as well rebrand as a monastic order.”
When asked for comment, Sørensen appeared sheepish, “Look, I didn’t ask for all this attention! I was doing a favor for my husband. The focus should be on the hose, not the legs inside the hose!” It has been noted by various heavy fighters that this infamy may hamper Sørensen’s path to knighthood, as his knight is disturbed by the thought that he may be mentoring the Society equivalent of Pippa Middleton.In any case, The SCAllion very much looks forward to seeing the proposal debated among Kingdom officials. More updates to come as the situation develops.
Do you have a burning question about a situation that happened in the SCA and want to ask Goody? You can write to Goody at this form. Questions may be truncated for publication, and submitted questions may not be answered.
Dear Goody, I have a large empty space on my wall, which has been reserved for my Laurel and Pelican scrolls. After nearly 30 years of waiting for them, should I just give up and use the space for pictures of my grandchildren? Failing that, do you know any calligraphers/illuminators who’d be interested in a paying job? -Illuminated Admirer
Dear Illuminated,
If you have been a peer for 30 years and not gotten peerage scrolls, then yes, it is time to take matters into your own hands. Find out what your Kingdom requires for a scroll to be ‘official’. Gather the dates of elevations, events, and Crowns. Make a list of the things you like best- heraldry, colors, creatures, symbols, something to represent people who helped you. Have your full arms and blazon. Go look at what kind of art you like and make a collection of images with the book and page details for each manuscript. Then find a scribe.
Start with your kingdom scribal guild or college. Try Laurels in scribal arts. Throw the project out on social media with what you are seeking. If you don’t get local hits, there are multi kingdom and society wide interest groups for everything, including scribal arts and that will probably be a pond with many fish. If someone is interested, ask to see some of their previous work to make sure you like their styles. Not every scribe is the same. When you find the right person, negotiate and put together a contract that includes payment and deadlines. Give your scribe all of the information you have collected and talk with them about your likes and dislikes.
Together, you will make beautiful art.
Hope this helps!
Goody Advice
Dear Goody, I entered an A&S competition and had a really bad experience. The judges didn’t know us much as I did about my project and didn’t give good feedback. I don’t want to compete anymore, but I’m not sure how else can I advance in my art and get recognition. Thanks, I had a Bad Experience
Dear Experience,
You had what Granny would call a learning experience. They suck. Hard. So, rather than a bad experience, you had an experience in which you discovered pitfalls of the arts and sciences program of the SCA. Judging is subjective. Each judge has a different opinion and bar they feel you need to exceed. Some judges are just dicks.
You have options, and a lot of them. So, time to choose your own adventure.
Work on your art or science by yourself and maybe meet some people along the way who also find it cool. Ignore the arts community at large and just become painfully skilled at what you do. This road is very lonely.
Seek out the others who also enjoy your art and join their guild or form a new one, even if it is informal. Work together to elevate the art and knowledge of every member and start teaching so you can catch new members for your group. Reel them in. Research. Become subject matter experts and fantastic at your art or craft. This is far less lonely and works better for extroverts.
You can find yourself a decent Laurel to work with. Having the protection of a peer can be very helpful when navigating the Art/Sci system. Improve and research and use the guidance and mentoring you are given to focus yourself and hone your work.
There are display only Art/Sci events. If you don’t have them near you, start one! No one is scored, but you can receive validation verbally if you stay with your entry. You may also receive tokens from those who pass by and enjoy your art. Some may have notes attached. Extensive notes. Make friends with those people and plot more exhibitions for artists.
Demos! At events, a small group of people or a single artist can demo their work by setting up a table or small area and working on their craft. You can just talk to people who walk up and are interested. Hang a sign that reads “[Insert art here], come talk to me/us!”. This actually works. Make sure to check with event stewards to obtain a spot at the event for your demo and to make sure that you can do what you want, or if you will just have to present static pieces and speak to people. Some sites prohibit water, flame, dyes, ink, glass and more.
Also, there is the option of changing the system from within. You can become part of the Art/Sci community that runs competitions and works with Art/Sci ministers. Start with paperwork or signup sheets and work your way up. Find solutions to problems and present them in a helpful way, rather than just state problems. You will gain much more traction this way.
So, there are a few options to get you started. Feel free to mix and match. Do be sure to surround yourself with the type of people who will help create positive change and new opportunities. Be the change you want to see in the SCA.
Hope this helps!
Goody Advice
Dear Goody, I’ve been embezzling money from my local branch for years and the members have had the gall to bring charges against me. How do I convince them that fraud, embezzlement and theft are documented Period Practice? Sincerely, -Pending Laurel
Dear Pending,
Would you be so kind as to send me your contact information? Your research is fascinating and I want to make sure that you are recognized for your efforts! I am certain there are people who will deeply appreciate the depths of your endeavors. Let’s make sure you can receive the proper rewards for your deeds!
RIDING OF HOLLEKE TOR, KINGDOM OF AETHER – In response to some actual questions from putative readers of The SCAllion via our contact form, the Editor-in-Chief has authorized a short behind the scenes release into how some of the sausage is made. Not all of the sausage, of course, some mystery must be retained. Let us invite you now into the notional room where it happens.
The SCAllion, like any modern workplace, is divided into departments even if those departments are mostly vague conceptions in the minds of the staff, and any SCAllion org chart would resemble some sort of fractal bowl of particularly stringy pasta. However, today, after a short break for lunch, since we’ve suddenly become peckish, we’ll talk about one of the most critical departments: the Department for Whimsy And Related Fun.
DWARF is the department that lives in all of our heads and reminds us that, while venting vituperation on the vituperable and heaping scorn on the scorn-worthy is a healthy release and provides a positive social service, part of the point is to be funny. Not all articles have to be Pulitzer-contending exposés, some can just be whimsical explorations of some of the odd corners of the hobby which matters a great deal to us, or flights of fancy about how the SCA interacts with the larger world and culture. In short, while we are happy, nay, delighted to arouse righteous indignation, and skewer those topics, stereotypes, and sometimes even people which need a bit of deflation, we want it to be fun for us to write, and for you to read. We here at The SCAllion hope you have enjoyed this backstage tour of our DWARF. If there is a next time, we might talk about the Shenaniganery, another important string to our quiver.
BARONY-MARCHE OF DEBATABLE LANDS, ÆTHELMEARC — To a certain group of women in the SCA, status is everything. These women all run in the same circles. Their significant others attend the same tournaments, they attend the same Laurel meetings, and, in the summer, they all head to Pennsic, an event that embodies a complete concentration of SCA power and privilege. This year will be no exception, but the star power of these medieval luminaries will, for the first time, be showcased for the modern world; Pennsic 50 will play host to a Bravo camera crew, there to film a new, exciting series: The Real Duchesses of Pennsic.
The franchise, which follows the supposedly-real housewives from such centers of wealth as Orange County, California, and New York City, takes a look at another privileged group of women known for displaying their big personalities, luxurious garb, and elaborate camps. Among them are the spouses and girlfriends of multiple-tournament winners, shameless rhino-hiders, and knights made good. The cast is varied, but not particularly diverse; they are made up of five attractive, straight, white women from five kingdoms within the Knowne World.
The SCAllion asked. Find out how the other half lives:
Her Grace, Duchess Adolana of Strasbourg, former Queen of Ealdormere
Bio: A two-time queen of the kingdom of Ealdormere in its early days, this formidable dowager is a much beloved institution within the hearts of the loyal populace. Although seemingly graceful and generous during the hot Pennsic days, word has reached The SCAllion that she lets her inner wild-child out to play during the nights.
Tagline: “In the politics of SCA royal peerages, I always win the popular vote.”
Her Grace, Duchess Pierozza Parmesiniof Calontir Bio: Fresh off the progress of her second reign, Duchess Pierozza is known as much for her beauty as her penchant for non-persona garb. She might look Norse, but when it comes to the Pennsic social scene, she embodies the intrigue and glamor of the Italian renaissance.
Tagline: “I’m not just a fighter’s lady with a taste for somewhat appropriative summertime garb – I’m a legend.”
Her Grace, Duchess Sandrine Babiloine of Atenveldt
Bio: A three time queen who has ruled alongside three different kings, Duchess Sandrine causes a stir at every event she attends. It’s rumored that she’s going to be on the lookout for her next King ahead of Atenveldt’s summer crown tournament in late September. She has been overheard saying, “All those other inspirations better lock up their fighters!”
Tagline: “I have a taste for power and power has a taste for me.”
Her Excellency Countess Sile inghen Connoghor of the Outlands
Bio: Although she has only been queen once, Countess Sile runs with the other duchesses on the strength of her rigid control over her kingdom’s Laurel community. Under her influence, the Laurels of the Outlands have admitted only three people to their ranks in the last decade. Though many complaints about the Countess’ sway have emerged over the years, she takes it all in stride and does not let it bother her.
Tagline: “I never feel guilty about preserving our integrity; we don’t let in just anybody. If being a gatekeeper is so wrong, why does it feel so right?”
Her Grace, Duchess Johanna ffeyrmayden of Æthelmearc
Bio: Celebrated as the uncrowned queen of Pennsic since she debuted in the royal role over five years ago. Partying with this duchess at Pennsic is considered to be a sign that a member of the populace has arrived, socially. Always fun, always where the mead is, and always ready to jump into a Bardic circle with original songs, sensation and scandal follow wherever Duchess Johanna goes.
Tagline: “Pennsic is my playground and when evening arrives, I’m the real King of the Castle.”
Although Duchess Adolana was almost certainly recruited due to her connections to other royal peers throughout the Knowne World, the same sense of grace is not usually attributed to the other Duchesses. One can hardly forget about the amateur adult film that was released online following Pennsic 42. Although the performers could not be immediately identified, the Pennsic site and the royal regalia they wore was more than enough to reveal the lackluster performers were then-King Adalbret Clobeloch and his queen, Duchess Sandrine. While Adalbret earned an R&D over the incident, Duchess Sandrine had, by that time, moved on to her current paramour, Duke Thebald Valret, who is said to have exercised his influence to help her evade any society-imposed consequences.
Duchesses Johanna and Pierozza are also no strangers to controversy stirred up at Pennsic. The entire site was inundated with gossip after a seemingly private conversation was leaked. The topic of the leaked gossip was Countess Sile, the duchesses’ remarks on her lower title, her allegedly inauthentic garb, and her inability to admit anybody lacking at least one PhD into her kingdom’s broken branch of the Order of the Laurel. Though news of this gossip mildly offended the Countess, it was their harsh commentary of her oft-performed free-verse poem, entitled “Healing”, that she performs at every bardic circle she comes across, that ended up transforming the countess into the Drama Queen. Duchess Pierozza was overheard to remark, “That poem is not even remotely medieval in subject, language, or form. I’m pretty sure she wrote it in therapy.”
“No shit – and talk about cringy,” Duchess Johanna is said to have responded, “No need for firewood! The fire could be fuelled entirely by second-hand embarrassment. I feel sorry for her.”
Although the two deny it, they are credited with referring to the poem, which lasts for approximately 15 agonizing, soul-crushing minutes, as “the universally recognized death-throes of the bardic circle.”
It is reported that Countess Sile had her revenge when the QR code for Duchess Johanna’s previously private OnlyFans elbow-fetish site was painstakingly painted onto the portajohns. “F*ck with a Laurel, will they?!?” Countess Sile was purportedly heard to mutter, “I can paint detailed, photorealistic QR codes IN MY SLEEP!”
Given the established notoriety these Duchesses have earned at past Pennsic Wars, The SCAllion looks forward to seeing how they plan to top their current reputations.
the SCAllion 
You must be logged in to post a comment.