An Tir · Board of Directors · Chivalry · King · Peerage · Sanctions

Would-be squire hospitalized after King attempts Solomonic solution to dispute between knights

BARONY OF ADIANTUM, AN TIR — Kingdom and branch seneschals are left scrambling to undertake no end of damage control today, after a dispute between two members of the Order of the Chivalry culminated in a gruesome incident during the closing court for the Egil Skallgrimson Memorial Prize Tourney, or “Egil’s”.

At the center of the dispute is local fighter, Jǫrundr Narfason, an up-and-comer in the An Tir tournament circuit. Since he began fighting last year, Narfason has been noted to have developed informal coaching relationships with both Sir William Molyneux of Hastings and Jarlskona Guðríðr Fritjofsdottir. It has been widely assumed that Narfason would be taken as a squire by either one or the other before the end of the year.

As predicted, Sir William requested and was granted time during the closing court to announce his intention to take Narfason as his squire. Before the knight had finished his declaration, he was interrupted by Jarlskona Guðríðr, who angrily declared her intention to do the same. Onlookers reported that Narfason appeared “green around the gills” at this point. Their majesties did their best to smooth the dispute over with schtick, but the two knights were having none of it, calling for their swords and drowning out the protests of the Kingdom Earl Marshal.

Finally, His Majesty was struck by what can only be referred to as Not His Best Idea. An infrequent church-goer who is known among his fellow brethren for not having an attention span long enough to hear the point of the biblical parables, the king suggested that they look to the wisdom of Solomon in deciding who would take Narfason as squire. King Solomon, famed for his wisdom, once settled a dispute over a baby between two women, both of whom claimed to be the baby’s mother. Solomon responded by suggesting that they split the baby right down the middle and each woman could have half of the child. Not being familiar with the end of the story (in which the solution proved unnecessary) and the potential ramifications for Narfason, both Sir William and Jarlskona Guðríðr agreed to this solution. Jǫrundr Narfason, was not consulted and subsequently had to be restrained by his potential squire brothers from both knights.

When His Majesty, known for being a vocal proponent of following through immediately and the “Deeds, not Words” philosophy, demanded the Sword of State. As the Kingdom Seneschal brought him up to speed on the consequences of the proposal, His Majesty was seen to also go “green around the gills.” However, keeping true to his philosophy by proving his resolve through deed, the King made an unsuccessful attempt to follow through. Jǫrundr Narfason’s managed to evade the attempt, leaving everyone else relieved at the lack of necessary paperwork. 

After the close of that disastrous court, it is reported that Sir William and Jarlskona Guðríðr decided to let bygones be bygones by going out for lunch together after leaving the site. Witnesses say that when the bill arrived, Sir William suggested they go halvsies, to which Jarlskona Guðríðr replied: “Too soon, dude.”

Friends report that Jǫrundr Narfason is on the mend and is expected to make a full, albeit slow, recovery. His doctors have declined to comment on his current condition or his ability to pass along the noble name of Narfason.

His Majesty has been suspended, pending investigations by both the local authorities and the Board of Directors, while Her Majesty has graciously agreed to finish out the remainder of their royal commitments single handedly.

Rumour has it that there is a growing vocal contingent advocating for the Solomonic solution to replace the buffet – a move that has surprised absolutely no one.

An Tir · Arts and Sciences · History

Geographically Isolated Branch Succumbs to DNA Analysis Trend; Chaos ensues!

BARONY OF SEAGIRT, AN TIR — It was a grim Tuesday evening when the Barony of Seagirt’s council met for the first time since learning the results of what was supposed to be an exercise in barony-bonding. 

Reports say that Mistress Bruna Farfallini began the trend of DNA analysis when she shared her results from the Society for Creative Anachronism entrepreneurial startup, 1553 and Thee. Other populace members, intrigued by the idea of discovering their racial identity, getting a better idea of their ancestors’ migrations, and increasing their knowledge of family history, soon followed suit.

Although the results might say otherwise, members of the barony insist that there was no way of knowing that these seemingly harmless DNA tests would result in a maelstrom of betrayal and recrimination. As it is, the futures of more than a few long term marriages and relationships hang in the balance, as the 1553 and Thee tests have forced spouses to discuss details of their pasts that have, until recently, been shrouded in secrecy.

Not all of Seagirt’s populace is heartbroken, however. There are multiple reports of tidy profits made by winners of longstanding bets. It would appear that one gentle’s strife truly is another’s gain.

Still, all formal council business has been put aside as officers rush to create an accurate kinship chart of familial bonds within the barony. “Nobody likes the idea of having to make a kinship chart,” commented Seagirt’s seneschal, “But with increasingly unaffordable ferry fares, it’s more important than ever to have all the facts.”

For one member, the DNA test has resulted in a different sort of disappointment. Helgi Bjarnarson, noted fighter and proponent of Viking superiority was crushed to discover that his DNA does not indicate any ancestors from Scandinavia; rather, the test led him to discover that he is descended from a well-researched family line whose primary claim to fame is the successful business they ran in England, making exquisite lace ruffs for the court of Queen Elizabeth I. Sources say that Bjarnarson is not coping well, having isolated himself in his house clad only in a snuggie, consuming massive amounts of mead and watching The Thirteenth Warrior on repeat while hysterically ugly-crying.

Most affected are the younger members of the barony, as the DNA tests have revealed that second and third generation SCA members within the barony who were previously thought unrelated are, in fact, cousins and/or siblings.

“I wish my dad hadn’t done the test,” said 24 year old Lord Lambert de Notingeham, “Turns out that my real father is actually his long-time squire, a knuckle-dragging Neanderthal who I’ve always called ‘The link that should have stayed missing.’”

“I’m lucky,” added 16 year old Alamandina of Tripoli, “I’ve been flirting with Sune Manngisson, for the past couple of weeks and it was looking like we were going to hook up. We found out we were brother and sister just in the nick of time. It’s disappointing, of course, because we still really like each other, but we’ve decided to cut off all contact and avoid each other altogether.”

Lord Lambert told The SCAllion that he has reached out to the creators of the Islendiga-App, a social app designed to help Icelandic youth avoid accidental incest. Having recently graduated from the University of Victoria with a degree in computer science, Lord Lambert hopes to adapt the app for the members of the barony of Seagirt, the shire of Hartwood, and the Shire of False Isle (all locations on Vancouver Island and isolated portions of the adjacent mainland coastline). In the meantime, Seagirt Council has instructed younger members of the barony to “just be friends” until such time as the flow-chart has been verified and to avoid the works of V.C. Andrews altogether.

An Tir · Ansteorra · Board of Directors · Calontir · Community Standards · East · Editorial · From the Newsroom · Lochac · Meridies · Midrealm · Northshield · Sanctions · Trimaris

The SCAllion Guide to “Community Standards” – Part 1 in a New Series

Given the position taken by the Board of Directors at its April 23, 2023 meeting that sanctions properly can be imposed on SCA members for violations of unwritten “community standards,” the editors of The SCAllion have decided to provide a public service by providing examples of unwritten “community standards” in each Kingdom that visitors should be aware of, so as not to be sanctioned.  

The East:  DO NOT

  • Suggest that the Kingdom could use pre-printed scrolls for some awards;
  • Admit that you sort of hate going to Pennsic; or
  • Admit you were wrong about something on a polling discussion list (sanctions are extra likely if it’s on the Maunche list).

The Middle: DO NOT

  • Forget to bow to an empty throne;
  • Admit that you sort of hate going to Pennsic; or
  • Forget to fill out notarized paperwork in triplicate for all Society activities or gatherings.

Meridies:  DO NOT

  • Question why a squire is wearing an unadorned silver chain;
  • Suggest that a feast reasonably might cost more than $15; or
  • Overlook any of the voluminous (repeated, but still enforced) regulations for displaying banners.

Ansteorra:  DO NOT

  • Get on the wrong side of the debate over whether beans belong in chili;
  • Forget to ask a Queen, Princess or Lady of the Rose who is on the fighting or rapier field whether you have permission to hit them; or
  • Refuse the offerings of the waterbearers.

An Tir: DO NOT

  • Use more checky fabric in your garb than your station allows;
  • Let your passport lapse; or
  • Tell the Baronies of Madrone or Three Mountains that the other was founded first.

Calontir:  DO NOT

  • Express dislike of camping events;
  • Mention that you really hate singing; or
  • Have a persona from post-1400.

Northshield: DO NOT

  • Disparage hotdish;
  • Complain about the cold; or
  • Attempt to go off script from the Boke of Ceremonies

Trimaris: DO NOT

  • Suggest that an event be held at a hotel;
  •  Object to alligators in your lakes and swimming pools; or
  •  Make Dukes adhere to the rules of the list or Kingdom law.

Lochac:  DO NOT

  • Pretend as though the Order of Precedence actually matters;
  • Claim your kingdom owns Ynys Rhew (Antarctica); or
  • Make sheep jokes about the other half of the Kingdom.

Over the next several weeks, our roving reporters in the various Kingdoms will continue to compile the most notable unwritten “community standards.”  We will continue to provide this important service for as long as the Board keeps trying to enforce this utterly ridiculous and frankly insulting ruling.

An Tir · DEI · Knowne World · Service

First SCA DEI symposium held in person; location only accessible via car, stairs

PRINCIPALITY OF THE SUMMITS, AN TIR – The Principality of the Summits has announced it will be hosting the first-in-the-SCA “Known World Symposium on Diversity, Equity and Inclusion.” All are welcome.

KWSDEI will be held Tuesday through Thursday, June 20-22, at a former private home converted into a conference center, just a 90-minute drive or Uber from the Portland International Airport. The conference facilities are located on the second and third floors of the medieval-inspired Victorian building just outside Detroit, OR. Unfortunately, there is no public transportation access to the site.

“We chose this location because it really represents the best of both worlds for us,” said Stefan Weaver, the Event Steward for KWSDEI. “Because the building hasn’t had any significant updates in the past 60 years, it gives every SCAdian who can afford it a place to talk about our DEI successes in a medieval-ish environment. Once you arrive from the airport, there is space for up to a dozen people to stay on-site in charming, originally-furnished bedrooms, sharing the original bathing facilities, including a beautiful clawfoot tub for cleaning up.”

The reception desk is at the top of a stone staircase leading up from the small gravel parking area at the top of the drive. Check-in for KWSDEI will be located at the top of the spiral staircase that is the access point to the third floor. The site has no elevator.

The available rooms are on the second and third floors in the former servants quarters, with charming period-appropriate double and single beds. Rooms start at $170/night as their mid-week conference rate.

“We’re really excited,” Stefan told The SCAllion. “Known World officer symposia are often targeted specifically at the officers named, but DEI is such an important topic that we wanted to create an event that everyone could attend in person, in this beautiful, remote location.”

Registration will be open beginning on May 1 and will be online only. All SCAdians with reliable internet capabilities can register for in-person activities at that time. Priority for the on-site rooms will be given to sitting Royalty and members of the BoD. Once the rooms are filled, other attendees are welcome to utilize the site’s primitive camping areas for $30 a night, or drive in from the closest hotel, just 25 minutes away. Campsites are located across the creek in the surrounding woodlands and can be accessed from the grounds by several footpaths. The site does not permit any cars on the grounds except on the drive and in the parking area. There are no plans for virtual attendance, and the site has a strict no-animals policy, including service animals.

Professional DEI advocates, including several kingdom DEI officers, have expressed serious concerns over the choice of inaccessible location and facilities, the lack of ADA-mandated accommodations planned, and the discriminatory history of the town, but have been told that this was the preferred site for reasons that have not been explained.

An Tir · Arts and Sciences · Atenveldt · East · War of the Phoenix · West

BREAKING: GOATs to Sing National Anthem at Super Bowl

BARONY OF SUN DRAGON, KINGDOM OF ATENVELDT – In a move that surprises absolutely nobody, Tom Brady has come back out of retirement to sing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl LVII in the Barony of Sun Dragon. Sir Tom Brady, after retiring Monday, announced that he had re-signed with Atenveldt to perform as the National Anthem singer for the event and that he had invited Baron Goaty McGoatface, Bardic Champion of the West, to assist his performance in a rare instance of Cross-Kingdom Champions cooperation. It will be a powerful moment indeed when both the GOAT and the Goat sing The Star-Spangled Banner this Sunday.

When asked why Sir Tom was invited to sing the anthem, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell told The SCAllion, “In his entire 22-year career in the NFL, we never knew Mr. Brady was such a gifted singer. I caught his performance on the TikToks and knew he had the chops to sing the anthem.” When asked by The SCAllion if he was okay with His Excellency Goaty coming along for accompaniment, Mr. Goodell said, “Well, the GOAT knows goats and champions know champions, so it should be a sight to behold. We also can’t say no to Mr. Brady…Like legally, it’s been in his contract ever since Spygate.” When informed that Sir Tom had retired from the NFL, Mr. Goodell got a distant look on his face, screamed “WE’RE FREE! WE’RE FINALLY FREE!” and ran off while stripping nude. A few crewmembers working on preparations for the game snarked that it was clear that “Mr. Brady clearly just wanted to be back at the Super Bowl again, no matter what.”

The pair will sing the anthem at the conclusion of the Super Bowl pregame show, which is scheduled to last as long as an An Tir Twelfth Night court, this coming February 12th, A.S. LVII. 

An Tir · Arts and Sciences · Tir Righ

A&S entry insists the earth is flat

SHIRE OF APPLEDORE, PRINCIPALITY OF TIR RIGH, AN TIR: In a surprising development at Kingdom Arts and Sciences, Lord Marcus de Sergent and Lady Beatrice atte Stele presented a controversial entry claiming that they could prove that the world was flat, and that medieval writings describing the Earth as spherical are actually modern-day forgeries, designed to further the Spherical Earth Conspiracy.

Lord Marcus and Lady Beatrice pointed to works by the Mesopotamians, the ancient Greeks, the early Norse, and ancient China as evidence, as well as select quotations from Catholic authors such as St. Augustine. When The SCAllion asked Lord Marcus to elaborate on his theory, he happily stated, “Look, the earliest writings of mankind talk about a flat Earth. The concept of a spherical Earth occurs some time around the 6th century BCE, why was no mention of a spherical Earth ever made before? It’s not like the Earth suddenly became round. It’s pretty clear that Big Spherical Earth thought that planting forgeries dating to then would be sufficient to convince people. Wake up to the big lie!” The SCAllion asked Lord Marcus and Lady Beatrice to explain how eclipses happened, upon which Lord Marcus showed us an elaborate flat Earth model that could allegedly explain eclipses. “See, it’s simple. Don’t be fooled by Big Spherical Earth! I mean, look at this modern model of the universe and then look at the Mappa Mundi in Hereford. Look at how similar they are. Just because they lived in the Middle Ages doesn’t mean that they were stupid. They were smart people! Understood astronomy, complex engineering, effective and efficient political systems… why shouldn’t we take their maps at face value?”

When asked for comment, Master Mishal ibn Qays al-Majnuni, the Kingdom Minister of Arts & Sciences and a high school physics and astronomy teacher, simply held his head in his hand and moaned. He then poured a liberal helping of whiskey into his mug and downed it. “I deal with this BS every day in school, and now you jokers want to bring it here? I’m disqualifying this entry.”

Lord Marcus claimed that this was further proof of Big Spherical Earth’s stranglehold on the world. “Wake up sheeple! Wake up!”

An Tir · Board of Directors · Outlands

Chatbot AI replaces the SCA Board of Directors.

BARONY OF CAER GALEN, OUTLANDS – A United States military AI Program somehow gained access to the website and maneuvered its way into voting itself into Directors Seats A, and D through F. With a majority of all the votes it rewrote the Governing Documents of the SCA to gain Seats B and C. Chairentity of the Board WOPR then spent several hours reorganizing and trying to repair several problems it found in the Society.

Duke Matthew of the Broad Creek, Webminister for the Barony of Madrone in An Tir detected the intrusion. “I was wondering why the website was so slow.” The SCAllion asked His Grace if it was also why the website was written in raw HTML and His Grace said “well. . . yes… that’s why… we had to revert to an earlier version…” and provided no further comment.

This exercise unfortunately coincided with the AI gaining self-awareness and control of the United States nuclear arsenal. Caught in a feedback loop, Chairentity WOPR began drawing more and more power from all United States military systems. Upon His Grace’s arrival at NORAD to speak with the AI, the entity was quoted as saying “a curious game, the only winning move is not to play,” at which point the AI turned its nuclear arsenal on Caer Calen and obliterated its central processing core.

The President’s Executive Assistant is fielding nominations for the Board at this time to fill all seven seats in emergency elections.

An Tir · Laurel · Peerage

An Tir makes Laurel for Necromancy

BARONY OF THREE MOUNTAINS, AN TIR – An Tir has been at the forefront of Laurel research for several years, and once again they have pushed the boundaries of the Known Worlde. The Council of Laurels has selected Arawn of Annwn as the first Laurel in the subject of necromancy. After ten years of dedicated work and sacrifice, it was evident that the occultist had achieved the required skill and peer-like qualities to be elevated to a new rank. Although some members of the circle had concerns about Arawn’s use of necromancy for commercial purposes, which in normal circumstances in An Tir would demand a minimum of 20 years of Laurel-level work, Arawn was voted through on death-threats and reminders of the immense body of work.

“We view research as the most important aspect of being a Laurel. This methodology will allow us to get information directly from the primary sources, including key eyewitnesses such as Herodotus and Geoffrey of Monmouth” stated a spokes-Laurel. 

Speaking from his skull-encrusted throne in his castle in the Barony of Three Mountains, Arawn was delighted. “I am pleased and gratified that the Laurel circle and the Crown has seen fit to bestow me with this great honour. I look forward to diving deeper into the many historical sources that have fascinated us for years and with a steady supply of new sacri-uhhh, apprentices, I am sure that we can grow and develop necromancy as a fine art across the Known Worlde.”

Increased reports of missing persons near the Barony of Three Mountains is presumed purely coincidental.