BARONY OF STERNFELD, THE MIDDLE – Shocked and horrified onlookers were forced to witness a spectacle never before seen in a Crown Tournament final this past weekend: Both competitors fought to what they decided was a “Draw” and mutually agreed to decide the outcome by increasingly harder cup shots, with only one left standing at the end, though likely irreparably damaged.
The finals, to be decided between Duke Fritz von Schmetterlingstrosse and newcomer and baby knight Sir Malcom Blakehalloc, were fought to an ugly draw when neither combatant could hit the other with a shot hard enough for the other to accept, with each claiming the other “just wasn’t getting there”. After a brief pause in the action, the two met alone at the center of the list and, after a short discussion, they threw down their shields and announced their intent to the marshals and populace. When the marshals approached the Crown, King Steffan Panzerschreck declared “I’ll allow it,” and the grim spectacle went on.
Each competitor hit the other firmly in the cup with increasingly more powerful shots, and more than a dozen spectators either passed out, vomited, or both, during the match. Local EMS was called, not for the finalists, but for the populace forced to witness the terrifying display. When asked for comment, the general consensus among the populace was something along the lines of “I mean, we really don’t want either of them reproducing, but this might be a little extreme, even for the Chiv.”
No word yet if the variance in the determination of the winner was allowed per the community standards.
KNOWNE WORLD – Across all of the kingdoms of the Knowne World, wordsmiths of the Society for Creative Anachronism are launching a sympathy strike with the Writers Guild of America (WGA). These “wordsmiths” of the Knowne World are those who provide texts for award scrolls and related documents, as well as ceremony heralds and royal schtick writers. Renowned wordsmith and poet, Magistra Virginia Lupa released a statement.
“So much of what we do in the Knowne World has been influenced by members of the WGA, whose work has informed and, if you will pardon a little scribal joke, illuminated our own work. While members of the WGA are striking over issues which affect their very livelihood, SCA wordsmiths and scribes can also suffer from difficult working conditions, and although our “pay” comes in social capital and wordfame, sometimes we don’t even get that. Supporting our sibling writers in the WGA seems only fair, after all they’ve given us.”
The strike has affected all the kingdoms, though some have been harder hit than others. Kingdoms which have standard texts for some awards have suffered less than those where all scrolls are unique. Some of those kingdoms have begun to look through older scroll texts to find those which can be depersonalised and recycled. Peerage scrolls are universally unique, causing some kingdoms to delay elevations while the strike is ongoing.
Some kingdoms have even resorted to scabs, with predictably poor results. Maestra Monica do Cabo Verde, elevated shortly after the strike began, was a victim. “The illumination is gorgeous, the calligraphy is fantastic, but the text.” Maestra Monica burst into tears before giving The SCAllion a transcription of the text, which is reproduced below in its entirety.
A woman stood out from the rest Her service was truly the best A Pelican she Really ought to be Signed , the King and the Queen of the West
The SCAllion supports the WGA and the Knowne World wordsmiths in their fight for fair treatment.
BARONY OF AYRETON, MIDDLE KINGDOM – In a story that has become entirely too common in today’s Society for Creative Anachronism, Their Majesties of the Midrealm pronounced a Banishment from the Realm for Jacob and Ellwood Blaüen on Saturday.
While the Board insists that officers and crowns do not disclose the reasons for a banishment, The SCAllion’s inside mole, Deep Gorget, says that the Blaüens were banished for advocating that people should punch Nazis when they announce themselves, and that Nazis and white supremacists should be removed from participating in the Society. Deep Gorget also made clear that Their Majesties and the Kingdom Seneschal of the Middle were given no choice about levying these sanctions – they were given a mandate from above.
Lords Jacob and Ellwood made their statements after a run-in with a visitor to the open bardic evening they hosted at their home last week: someone identifying himself only as “a newcomer” walked in wearing khaki fatigues with lightning bolt collar pins and armbands bearing the Nazi flag and the Confederate battle flag. According to witnesses, the brothers initially asked the person politely to leave their home. When the person asked why they should have to leave an open Baronial bardic event, Ellwood replied, “I hate Illinois Nazis, and I don’t want them in my home.” The person left after verbally insulting the brothers and their guests. The Blaüens then posted about the encounter on Facebook, as described above, leading to a bullying and harassment complaint being filed against them with the Society Seneschal’s office by the angry “newcomer”.
Opinions around the kingdom were largely in support of the brothers Blaüen, elevating them to status of folk heroes. Crown Princess Carolina Piscatrix loudly publicly disagreed with the sanction. “We must stand together as an alliance to protect our game from the harm being done by the few who want to use us to live out their white supremacist fantasies. Those people should have no place in our Society.”
After some cajoling, Deep Gorget revealed that the incident with the Blaüens is not the only example of the anti-bullying policy being weaponized by actual bullies and white supremacists. Sir Stephanus filius Rogeri of the East is facing a threat of banishment for posting the following on Facebook: “It’s our duty as peers, and especially as members of the Chivalry, to always punch Nazis.” Complaints of bullying have also been made against Princess Diana of Ephesos, the current Princess of the Mists, because her Facebook banner is an image of Wonder Woman punching Hitler from Wonder Woman #2 (1942).
“It’s a sad day,” Deep Gorget complained between drags on his unfiltered cigarette, “when wishing you could punch Nazis is punished more harshly than being a Nazi. But that’s where we are, at least until the BoD gets its head out of its ass.”
Given the position taken by the Board of Directors at its April 23, 2023 meeting that sanctions properly can be imposed on SCA members for violations of unwritten “community standards,” the editors of The SCAllion have decided to provide a public service by providing examples of unwritten “community standards” in each Kingdom that visitors should be aware of, so as not to be sanctioned.
The East: DO NOT
Suggest that the Kingdom could use pre-printed scrolls for some awards;
Admit that you sort of hate going to Pennsic; or
Admit you were wrong about something on a polling discussion list (sanctions are extra likely if it’s on the Maunche list).
The Middle: DO NOT
Forget to bow to an empty throne;
Admit that you sort of hate going to Pennsic; or
Forget to fill out notarized paperwork in triplicate for all Society activities or gatherings.
Meridies: DO NOT
Question why a squire is wearing an unadorned silver chain;
Suggest that a feast reasonably might cost more than $15; or
Overlook any of the voluminous (repeated, but still enforced) regulations for displaying banners.
Ansteorra: DO NOT
Get on the wrong side of the debate over whether beans belong in chili;
Forget to ask a Queen, Princess or Lady of the Rose who is on the fighting or rapier field whether you have permission to hit them; or
Refuse the offerings of the waterbearers.
An Tir: DO NOT
Use more checky fabric in your garb than your station allows;
Let your passport lapse; or
Tell the Baronies of Madrone or Three Mountains that the other was founded first.
Calontir: DO NOT
Express dislike of camping events;
Mention that you really hate singing; or
Have a persona from post-1400.
Northshield: DO NOT
Complain about the cold; or
Attempt to go off script from the Boke of Ceremonies
Trimaris: DO NOT
Suggest that an event be held at a hotel;
Object to alligators in your lakes and swimming pools; or
Make Dukes adhere to the rules of the list or Kingdom law.
Lochac: DO NOT
Pretend as though the Order of Precedence actually matters;
Claim your kingdom owns Ynys Rhew (Antarctica); or
Make sheep jokes about the other half of the Kingdom.
Over the next several weeks, our roving reporters in the various Kingdoms will continue to compile the most notable unwritten “community standards.” We will continue to provide this important service for as long as the Board keeps trying to enforce this utterly ridiculous and frankly insulting ruling.
BARONY OF CARRAIG BAN, THE MIDDLE – The Society-wide committee tasked with analyzing and reporting on bullying in the SCA has released its findings. The committee reports that members who have sat thrones at least once are far more likely to be the targets of bullying than those who have not.
“Fast analysis found that there was a high amount of bullying reports across all levels of the Society,” said Count Salvadore di Mozo, committee chair. “The initial data was very concerning, as the numbers themselves were quite high, and we were concerned that we had a Society-wide problem on our hands. It was once we dug a little deeper that we really understood that we had one highly marginalized group of members that were incredibly likely to be victims, and that group is the Royal peers.”
Count Salvadore thanked the committee for digging in and said that the final report was corrected for validity. “Once we dug through all the reports, and threw out the noise you get from reports that were filed frivolously, or are otherwise invalid for our purposes, the percentages tell a different story about who the victims are in the SCA.”
Once the committee had reduced their dataset to eliminate invalid reports, the numbers became nearly reversed. Whereas in the original set of all bullying reports it appeared that only about 11 percent of the members of the populace that reported being bullied were royal peers, after the dataset was adjusted the charts showed that over three-quarters of the bullying complaints accepted as valid by the committee were lodged by Royal peers.
The committee is looking forward to presenting its corrected chart at the next BoD meeting, and Count Salvadore has been nothing but supportive of the committee members: Countess Nichola Wasshebrook, Duke Aeneas Drables, Viscount Diego Martín Carrillo, and Duchess Griselda Mawchlyn.
“We’re very troubled by our findings,” His Excellency concluded. “Most people in the SCA, I think, don’t appreciate that the Royal peers are the real victims here.”
SHIRE OF DRAGONSMARK, THE MIDDLE – Earlier this week at shire business meeting at Lord Sven mjǫksiglandi’s home, shire members were shocked to discover documents marked “confidential” and “do not copy” in Sven’s freezer, pertaining to the Society for Creative Anachronism Board of Directors’ recent plans and action items on Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion.
“I opened the freezer to get some ice for my water,” said Greta aus Freiburg, the shire herald, “and there were all these papers in with the leftovers from our Yule feast. One of them was stuck to the bottom of the ice cube tray, and it looked really important!”
What Greta had found was the detailed plans by a subsection of the board for scuttling any movement for a more diverse and inclusive corporate level.
Sven has long been seen to be a purely local player, mostly in his shire and occasionally in neighboring groups. It is entirely unknown from whom he would have acquired the paperwork, much less why it was in the freezer.
BARONY OF SHATTERED CRYSTAL, KINGDOM OF THE MIDDLE: A sense of purpose, resolve, and pride filled the Known World this week as news broke that the Siege Weapons communities of the Midrealm and the East Kingdom are sending all siege engines to help support the war efforts in Ukraine. While all the equipment was donated, a separate GoFundMe was set up to handle the costs of sending the vital equipment to the war front. That GoFundMe made its fundraising goal in 36 hours.
Now trebuchets, ballistas, and catapults are being shipped from all over the midwest and the east coast to Philadelphia, where they will be bubble wrapped, placed into a shipping container, and transported to Odessa. A hand calligraphed charter, based on a 16th century example issued by Jeremias II of Constantinople, explaining the gift & addressed to President Zelenskyy will be included.
“They already tried using caltrops to stop Russian tanks,” said THL Kerstiaen Jordenssoen of the Midrealm Siege Community, “This will give President Zelenskyy and his generals more options.”
“I applaud the siege community’s generosity,” said Sir Hugen mac Hugen of the Canton of Basingestoches in the East Kingdom, “I already buy all the equipment for my squires from an armorer in Rivne. This is making sure that there is still an armorer to supply the SCA in the future.”
“You bet I contributed to the GoFundMe,” chimed in Sir Edme of the Shattered Crystal, “It means we won’t have to face those damn things at Pennsic 50. Can we send the combat archers too? I am sure they’d be useful there!”
BARONY OF CYNNABAR, MIDDLE KINGDOM – In what many are calling a sign of the times, budget cuts because of falling membership have changed the judging rubric for the Baronial Arts & Sciences Champions event to focus on period science, technology, engineering and math.
Pendifig Ewyn Loyt of the barony commented, “It only makes sense. How many people really use their art education to get their peerages these days? It’s all volcano research all the time now.” Master Waldorf the Elegant, who received his Laurel for manuscript illumination in Anno Societatis 42, sounded bitter when he observed, “Back in my day, having a peerage for art meant something. Now my apprentices get deducted points if they don’t know the specific gravity of the paints they use. It’s appalling.”
Saayid Arif ibn Zafeer, who wrote a paper on the Arabic mathematician Omar Khayyam’s understanding of cubic equations, expressed excitement about the shift, “Hell, yeah! I was so worried about Laurels not taking the time to sit down and read my 27 page paper, since my work is not very visual. Now I have this competition in the bag!”
Still, Duchess Agnes Merrymeet, OL, mourned the move toward STEM research: “Art is such an important part of the SCA experience. I am afraid without a grounding in the arts, the populace will lose their understanding of all that is beautiful and inspiring in the SCA, or worse, their understanding of humor and satire.”
BARONY OF AYRETON, MIDDLE – In another Golden Age of Chivalry-themed assault that have been plaguing events since the mid-2000s, one man finds his persona irrevocably altered by what can only be called a “drive-by dagging.”
“I had a perfectly good t-tunic, was at the event, just minding my own business, when bam! I was jumped by five guys in chausses shouting “One True Century!” and now I’m in an Angel-Wing Houppelande!” recounts Lord Reignold de La Pomeraye (formerly Æthelgar, son of Penda of Pferdestadt called Meatbag.)
People of all different mediocre eras have similar stories to tell. Often waking in the morning to find their utilikilts and pajama pants replaced with cotehardies that leave little to the imagination.
“Look, 20 minutes ago I had no idea what braies were, and now all I know is I hate combat archers,” Lord de La Pomeraye continued before lamenting the lack of the Society Marshallate adopting 360 engagement rules for all combat. “Pray excuse me, good lords, I’m late for an armor as worn tournament.” he said before leaving.
No comment from the 14th Century Mafia was received prior to print.