Category: Artemisia

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Known World Wordsmiths join WGA strike

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KNOWNE WORLD – Across all of the kingdoms of the Knowne World, wordsmiths of the Society for Creative Anachronism are launching a sympathy strike with the Writers Guild of America (WGA). These “wordsmiths” of the Knowne World are those who provide texts for award scrolls and related documents, as well as ceremony heralds and royal schtick writers. Renowned wordsmith and poet, Magistra Virginia Lupa released a statement.

“So much of what we do in the Knowne World has been influenced by members of the WGA, whose work has informed and, if you will pardon a little scribal joke, illuminated our own work. While members of the WGA are striking over issues which affect their very livelihood, SCA wordsmiths and scribes can also suffer from difficult working conditions, and although our “pay” comes in social capital and wordfame, sometimes we don’t even get that.  Supporting our sibling writers in the WGA seems only fair, after all they’ve given us.”

The strike has affected all the kingdoms, though some have been harder hit than others.  Kingdoms which have standard texts for some awards have suffered less than those where all scrolls are unique. Some of those kingdoms have begun to look through older scroll texts to find those which can be depersonalised and recycled. Peerage scrolls are universally unique, causing some kingdoms to delay elevations while the strike is ongoing.

Some kingdoms have even resorted to scabs, with predictably poor results. Maestra Monica do Cabo Verde, elevated shortly after the strike began, was a victim. “The illumination is gorgeous, the calligraphy is fantastic, but the text.”  Maestra Monica burst into tears before giving The SCAllion a transcription of the text, which is reproduced below in its entirety.

A woman stood out from the rest
Her service was truly the best
A Pelican she
Really ought to be
Signed , the King and the Queen of the West

The SCAllion supports the WGA and the Knowne World wordsmiths in their fight for fair treatment.

Artemisia · Arts and Sciences · King · Laurel · Peerage

Laurel given to King’s 4 year old for Barbie puppet show in Artemisia: King claims Laurel council signed off on elevation

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BARONY OF ONE THOUSAND EYES, ARTEMISIA – The King of Artemisia rocked the kingdom at an event this past weekend at Agincourt with the sudden elevation of his four year old daughter to the Order of the Laurel.

His Majesty Brion Wellesley was adamant that the Laurel was well deserved, and cited as his reasoning his daughter’s Barbie puppet show she put on in the royal room earlier in the day: “People need to understand, Isabelle is completely deserving of this accolade! She put on an entirely period Barbie show for everyone in the royal room this morning. Two of the peers present were even moved to tears! I immediately called the Laurels on site into a Laurel council together and they absolutely signed off on this. I don’t even know what nepotism means, why do you keep using that word? Anyway, there’s nothing wrong with what We did today.”

None of the five Laurels present at the event were willing to go on record with comments, but a Master of Defense did speak with The SCAllion on condition of anonymity. Master [redacted] said: “Shocking, but not unexpected. He is so wrapped around that kid’s finger it’s not even funny. He came to us and tried to tell us she deserved a collar because she was really good at Pin the Tail on the Donkey. I can’t even make his reasoning up, any version I would come up with would at least be believable. You wait, she’ll have a belt and chain before he’s off the throne.”

The SCAllion will remain nearby to monitor the ongoing saga of Isabelle and the apparent parade of awards she is likely to receive in the near future.

Artemisia · Board of Directors · Community Standards · Drachenwald · Knowne World · Northshield

Interkingdom tensions rise between Northshield and Drachenwald over community standards violation

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SHIRE OF ROCKHAVEN, NORTHSHIELD – Tensions are rising today as the Kingdoms of Northshield and Drachenwald clash over the vital community standards issue of what to call the foodstuff made with some sort of meat and vegetable combination topped with some form of potato. The Drachenwald ambassador, Baroness Prudence Godekoke, apparently gave offense when presented with what the Northshield ambassador, Master Mario Vitalis, called “hotdish.” The dish was made with ground beef, frozen green beans, cream of mushroom soup, and topped with tater tots. Baroness Godekoke cried, “Ah, cottage pie, lovely!”

Violence was avoided on that occasion, but only because Baroness Godekoke was immediately ushered from the building. As tempers flared, Master Mario began to call for sanctions based on the well-established principle of “community standards violations,” and units of regional foodies began to mass on both borders.

Neutral negotiators from Artemisia were mobilized since, with no cuisine of their own to speak of, they had no horse in that particular race. However, they may not be needed as the conflict may collapse on its own. 

At press time, internal tensions in the involved kingdoms are flaring as factions struggle for control. In Northshield, the two main parties, the “Tatertotties” and the “Hashbrowners” seem to have suppressed the minority “Chiptopping” and fringe “Pastatoppers” parties and are locked in a fight for dominance.

In Drachenwald, a four way battle has erupted between “The Cottagers,” “The Shepherds,” the breakaway French “Parmentieratarians,” and the fierce campaigners of the “Janssons Frestelse” brigade.

Further updates will follow dinner, err, supper, err, tea, umm, the evening meal.

Armored Combat · Artemisia · Board of Directors · King · Queen

Artemisia Declares War on Old Faithful

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SHIRE OF SILVER KEEP, ARTEMISIA — The populace of the shire of Silver Keep is in a state of turmoil today, following the declaration of war that was issued last night. The recipient of the declaration is not Silver Keep itself, but rather famed geyser, Old Faithful, which is located at Yellowstone National Park, which is also within the borders of the shire. Many members are feeling torn between loyalty to their kingdom and their longstanding affection for the volcanic eruption. According to the original statement of declaration, the purpose of war would be “to demilitarize and denazify Old Faithful and to protect the populace of Artemisia from potential bullying from the spurting menace.”

Reportedly caught unawares, the King and Queen of Artemisia are scrambling to identify the source of the inciting act. Although the declaration appears to have originated from His Majesty’s official email address, the Kingdom Seneschal alleges that the address was hacked and that the call for military action from the fighting community is most likely the work of notorious SCA hacker group, Κανένας. This theory seems unlikely, as Κανένας has committed to uncovering the Board of Directors’ private email server.

Contrary to the Kingdom Seneschal’s public statement, inside sources attribute the bold move to controversial knight, Sir Pavel Radozlaus, and his supporters inside the fighting community. According to insiders, Sir Pavel has long held a grudge against Old Faithful, even going so far as to blame the beloved geyser’s hot spray for the breakdown of his marriage to Boyarina Olga Mikhailovna, who subsequently changed her persona following their divorce, prior to stepping up as Queen two months ago.

“I don’t know why everyone acts like this stupid geyser is so great,” Sir Pavel was heard to say, “They say it erupts around twenty times per day, but I don’t believe it. And just try to convince me that each eruption disgorges as much as 8400 gallons of steamy liquid. All this hype ends up creating all kinds of unreasonable expectations on the rest of us. I should know – it ended my marriage.”

Sir Pavel’s claims contradict Her Majesty’s alleged reason for the split, reported to be: “One word: hygiene.”

These speculations do nothing to comfort the distressed populace of Silver Keep, who are understandably distraught at the threat made towards Old Faithful. The normally laid-back shire has always credited its widespread sense of relaxation to its proximity to the geothermal marvel’s slow, regular throb.

Yellowstone National Park Service spokesperson has released the following statement from the geyser to the media: “Bring it. Ain’t my fault the ladies love my flow.”

Artemisia · Arts and Sciences · History · Second Generation

Second Generation SCAdian sent home from Sunday School after correcting teacher

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SHIRE OF STONEGATE, ARTEMISIA – Elisif Jonasdottir, sixth grader and second generation SCAdian, was sent home from Sunday School last week with a note from church leadership asking her parents to have a discussion with their child about arguing with the Sunday School teacher in front of the other young faithful.

The trouble started when Elisif corrected Mildred Miller, the teacher, when she announced that the enshrinement of the Trinity into Christianity was not established at the first Council of Nicea in 325 CE, but later with the Council of Constantinople in 381 CE. Things got heated when Elisif explained that the Council of Nicea was about the establishment of Christ as a deity, and that the full Trinititarian argument could not be taken up until after that fact had been established. At first, Mrs. Miller sent Elisif to stand in the corner, but was moved to send her home with the note after Elisif, from the corner, disputed that gnosticism was excluded from Christianity in 325 CE as well.  “Heretics were forgiven at the Council of Nicea!” She shouted, “I can’t believe I have to get angry about this!”

“I’m not sure where she got that from,” commented her father Lord Jonas Jonasson, “We study Norse history together, not Byzantine history. I mean, I let her read Knowne World Humor, so maybe there was a meme she picked up on?” 

“I’m proud of her,” declared her mother, Íþróttakona Margaretha Osterberg, “Mrs. Miller taught that Akhenaten was the first monotheist, and Elisif’s opinion is that Akhenaten was not practicing monotheism but a syncretistic melding of the traditions of his populace. This is a reasonable position to maintain. I think this is when the trouble started.”

It is not known when Elisif will be able to go back to Sunday School. Her parents said she was looking forward to the inevitable fight about Martin Luther nailing the 95 Theses to the door of the church. “There’s no textural evidence that he did any such thing,” Elisif announced. “I can’t wait to blow a hole in that fairy tale,” she declared.

Armored Combat · Artemisia · Chivalry

Heavy Fighters against CTE research, but can’t remember why.

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BARONY OF BRONZEHELM, ARTEMISIA – Kingdom rattan fighters are rallying against new safety guidance from the Society Earl Marshal on the heels of a damning report released by the Mayo Clinic last month. “I don’t feel like there’s any real danger in clubbing my friend in the head till they yield,” said Lord Darius Magnus Titus. “They knew what they signed up for. At least I think I know what I signed up for. I don’t really remember to be honest. I just know I love fighting!”

Researchers at the prestigious hospital published recent findings from their most recent Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy research. “Getting hit in the head at any level is bad for you. The effects of multiple or compounding mild or micro-concussions have the cumulative effect of one or two major concussions, while also not giving the brain any time to heal between them,” Dr. Stephen Patel stated. “Seriously, doing any sport or activity where getting hit in the head is encouraged is an absurdly horrible idea.”

The Society Earl Marshal’s new guidance is not solid rules against fighting with concussion but rather strong suggestions that fighters consider any blow to the head as “good” and that they sit out for at least 30 min after any headshot. It also directs marshals to examine helmet padding for sufficient protection before every practice and event.

“Nobody here has ever had any problems,” three-time Duke and experimental steel fighter Sir Maximilian de Chiverny said. “I think we as a fighting community would be open to talking about any long lasting negative effects our sport has on one of us. But really, I have no memory… of it coming up before.”

When shown the research data the Kingdom Earl Marshal listed a number of reasons why this might not apply to SCA fighting. “I’m no doctor, but it seems to me that people aren’t taking into account the mass of the helmet. Helmet mass and padding does a lot to help stave off concussions. Maybe if those NFL players strapped a good 17-pound steel barrel helm on their head you’d see less injuries in their sport.”

The NFL declined to comment for this story.

Artemisia · Board of Directors · Ealdormere · Heraldry · Peerage · Pelican

Order of the Pelican changes symbol to albatross

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BARONY OF ONE THOUSAND EYES, ARTEMISIA – At their annual conclave this past weekend, the Order of the Pelican approved a bold new proposal to change the name and insignia of their order from Pelican to Albatross. The new symbol, narrowly beating out the Ostrich and the Dodo, was deemed the perfect choice to encapsulate the ideals of the Order in its current form.

Order secretary Dame Lemmie Duit Miwhey, of Ealdormere, explained the reasoning behind the proposal. “If you think about it, the symbol of the pelican is a terrible one for a service order. Rather than going out to find fish and bringing it back to her young, the pelican in her piety instead stabs herself in the breast and tries to feed her own blood to her children. Not only is it gross, but it also encourages in our protégés the least effective and most harmful techniques of service. And we do that well enough on our own, thank you very much!”

Dame Lemmie went on to explain how the new symbol was much more appropriate for the Order. “It’s still a bloody seabird hung around our necks, but this new symbol borrows from ‘The Rime of the Ancient Mariner.’ Like the poem’s narrator, we all saw membership in the Order to be a stroke of luck when we were first offered, but have since come to see it as a burden that we regret undertaking, a mark of shame that causes everyone else to blame us for things going wrong. It’s been this way since I was elevated decades ago, and it’s time we were honest about it with the rest of the Knowne World.”

Public reactions to this new proposal were mixed. Many disapproved of changing anything about the Society, with the Crown of the West declaring “It was good enough in 1966, and it’s good eno…wait, when was the Pelican created again?” Other critics questioned the new symbol, calling the Albatross a “glorified seagull” and “a pretentious post-period literary reference” that “was so dramatic that it was better suited to the Laurels.”

However, most commenters have embraced the new branding for the Order. “I like the new name and symbols! They feel more honest. Beautiful, really. I feel like I can relate to a name like that,” said Albert Ross, exchequer for the Shire of Stonegate.

Changes to Corpora and kingdom law will be put into place in coming months to reflect the newly rebranded Order of the Albatross. In the meantime, heralds of all kingdoms are advised to rework their scripts into common meter, and incorporate the new regalia: An albatross displayed inverted, vulned of a crossbow bolt, trussed and hung from a hemp rope collar.

The SCAllion reached out to the Board of Directors for comment, but per ancient and perhaps honorable tradition, have received no reply.

Artemisia · King · Queen · Royal Peer · Sanctions

Newly Crowned King and Queen Banish entire populace after first event

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BARONY OF LOCH SALANN, ARTEMESIA – In an astounding move, the newly crowned King Lothos and Queen Arabella ended their coronation ceremony by announcing a blanket banishment from the presence for the entire Kingdom. “We really think it’s what’s best for the Kingdom,” stated His Majesty, “It’s already made events more laid back.” 

While unprecedented, it seems to have the effect the Royals were hoping for. “This is great!” said Mistress Thora Frakisdottir, the clerk of the signet. “We finally have a bit of a breather to catch up on things. With no new award ceremonies, we’re finally shrinking that massive backlog we had.”

“We’re saving so much money!” agreed Baron Alan of Helmsdeep, Kingdom Exchequer. “No travel expenses. No wear and tear on the regalia. Even our insurance rider has gone down!” 

The Royals continued to defend their move, even going so far as to banish some of the populace from their online presence as well. “We really think the populace just needs a time out, to really think about what they’ve done.”

The banishment has been such a success the sitting Prince and Princess are considering extending the term through their reign.

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Society Social Media Officer Tells Satire Website They Aren’t Funny

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