Aethelmearc · Atenveldt · Calontir · Ealdormere · Knowne World · Laurel · Outlands · Pennsic War · Queen · Rose

Bravo to film new series: “Real Duchesses of Pennsic”

BARONY-MARCHE OF DEBATABLE LANDS, ÆTHELMEARC — To a certain group of women in the SCA, status is everything. These women all run in the same circles. Their significant others attend the same tournaments, they attend the same Laurel meetings, and, in the summer, they all head to Pennsic, an event that embodies a complete concentration of SCA power and privilege. This year will be no exception, but the star power of these medieval luminaries will, for the first time, be showcased for the modern world; Pennsic 50 will play host to a Bravo camera crew, there to film a new, exciting series: The Real Duchesses of Pennsic.

The franchise, which follows the supposedly-real housewives from such centers of wealth as Orange County, California, and New York City, takes a look at another privileged group of women known for displaying their big personalities, luxurious garb, and elaborate camps. Among them are the spouses and girlfriends of multiple-tournament winners, shameless rhino-hiders, and knights made good. The cast is varied, but not particularly diverse; they are made up of five attractive, straight, white women from five kingdoms within the Knowne World.

The SCAllion asked. Find out how the other half lives: 

Her Grace, Duchess Adolana of Strasbourg, former Queen of Ealdormere

Bio: A two-time queen of the kingdom of Ealdormere in its early days, this formidable dowager is a much beloved institution within the hearts of the loyal populace. Although seemingly graceful and generous during the hot Pennsic days, word has reached The SCAllion that she lets her inner wild-child out to play during the nights.

“In the politics of SCA royal peerages, I always win the popular vote.” 

Her Grace, Duchess Pierozza Parmesini of Calontir

Bio: Fresh off the progress of her second reign, Duchess Pierozza is known as much for her beauty as her penchant for non-persona garb. She might look Norse, but when it comes to the Pennsic social scene, she embodies the intrigue and glamor of the Italian renaissance.

Tagline: “I’m not just a fighter’s lady with a taste for somewhat appropriative summertime garb  –  I’m a legend.”

Her Grace, Duchess Sandrine Babiloine of Atenveldt

Bio: A three time queen who has ruled alongside three different kings, Duchess Sandrine causes a stir at every event she attends. It’s rumored that she’s going to be on the lookout for her next King ahead of Atenveldt’s summer crown tournament in late September. She has been overheard saying, “All those other inspirations better lock up their fighters!”

Tagline: “I have a taste for power and power has a taste for me.”

Her Excellency Countess Sile inghen Connoghor of the Outlands

Bio: Although she has only been queen once, Countess Sile runs with the other duchesses on the strength of her rigid control over her kingdom’s Laurel community. Under her influence, the Laurels of the Outlands have admitted only three people to their ranks in the last decade. Though many complaints about the Countess’ sway have emerged over the years, she takes it all in stride and does not let it bother her.

Tagline: “I never feel guilty about preserving our integrity; we don’t let in just anybody. If being a gatekeeper is so wrong, why does it feel so right?”

Her Grace, Duchess Johanna ffeyrmayden of Æthelmearc

Bio: Celebrated as the uncrowned queen of Pennsic since she debuted in the royal role over five years ago. Partying with this duchess at Pennsic is considered to be a sign that a member of the populace has arrived, socially. Always fun, always where the mead is, and always ready to jump into a Bardic circle with original songs, sensation and scandal follow wherever Duchess Johanna goes.

Tagline: “Pennsic is my playground and when evening arrives, I’m the real King of the Castle.”

Although Duchess Adolana was almost certainly recruited due to her connections to other royal peers throughout the Knowne World, the same sense of grace is not usually attributed to the other Duchesses. One can hardly forget about the amateur adult film that was released online following Pennsic 42. Although the performers could not be immediately identified, the Pennsic site and the royal regalia they wore was more than enough to reveal the lackluster performers were then-King Adalbret Clobeloch and his queen, Duchess Sandrine. While Adalbret earned an R&D over the incident, Duchess Sandrine had, by that time, moved on to her current paramour, Duke Thebald Valret, who is said to have exercised his influence to help her evade any society-imposed consequences.

Duchesses Johanna and Pierozza are also no strangers to controversy stirred up at Pennsic. The entire site was inundated with gossip after a seemingly private conversation was leaked. The topic of the leaked gossip was Countess Sile, the duchesses’ remarks on her lower title, her allegedly inauthentic garb, and her inability to admit anybody lacking at least one PhD into her kingdom’s broken branch of the Order of the Laurel. Though news of this gossip mildly offended the Countess, it was their harsh commentary of her oft-performed free-verse poem, entitled “Healing”, that she performs at every bardic circle she comes across, that ended up transforming the countess into the Drama Queen. Duchess Pierozza was overheard to remark, “That poem is not even remotely medieval in subject, language, or form. I’m pretty sure she wrote it in therapy.”

“No shit – and talk about cringy,” Duchess Johanna is said to have responded, “No need for firewood! The fire could be fuelled entirely by second-hand embarrassment. I feel sorry for her.”

Although the two deny it, they are credited with referring to the poem, which lasts for approximately 15 agonizing, soul-crushing minutes, as “the universally recognized death-throes of the bardic circle.”

It is reported that Countess Sile had her revenge when the QR code for Duchess Johanna’s previously private OnlyFans elbow-fetish site was painstakingly painted onto the portajohns. “F*ck with a Laurel, will they?!?” Countess Sile was purportedly heard to mutter, “I can paint detailed, photorealistic QR codes IN MY SLEEP!”

Given the established notoriety these Duchesses have earned at past Pennsic Wars, The SCAllion looks forward to seeing how they plan to top their current reputations.

Aethelmearc · Ansteorra · Artemisia · Arts and Sciences · Atenveldt · Atlantia · Avacal · Caid · Calontir · Cynagua · Drachenwald · Ealdormere · East · Gleann Abhann · Insulae Draconis · Knowne World · Lochac · Meridies · Midrealm · Mists · Nordmark · Northshield · Outlands · Tir Mara · Tir Righ · Trimaris · West

Known World Wordsmiths join WGA strike

KNOWNE WORLD – Across all of the kingdoms of the Knowne World, wordsmiths of the Society for Creative Anachronism are launching a sympathy strike with the Writers Guild of America (WGA). These “wordsmiths” of the Knowne World are those who provide texts for award scrolls and related documents, as well as ceremony heralds and royal schtick writers. Renowned wordsmith and poet, Magistra Virginia Lupa released a statement.

“So much of what we do in the Knowne World has been influenced by members of the WGA, whose work has informed and, if you will pardon a little scribal joke, illuminated our own work. While members of the WGA are striking over issues which affect their very livelihood, SCA wordsmiths and scribes can also suffer from difficult working conditions, and although our “pay” comes in social capital and wordfame, sometimes we don’t even get that.  Supporting our sibling writers in the WGA seems only fair, after all they’ve given us.”

The strike has affected all the kingdoms, though some have been harder hit than others.  Kingdoms which have standard texts for some awards have suffered less than those where all scrolls are unique. Some of those kingdoms have begun to look through older scroll texts to find those which can be depersonalised and recycled. Peerage scrolls are universally unique, causing some kingdoms to delay elevations while the strike is ongoing.

Some kingdoms have even resorted to scabs, with predictably poor results. Maestra Monica do Cabo Verde, elevated shortly after the strike began, was a victim. “The illumination is gorgeous, the calligraphy is fantastic, but the text.”  Maestra Monica burst into tears before giving The SCAllion a transcription of the text, which is reproduced below in its entirety.

A woman stood out from the rest
Her service was truly the best
A Pelican she
Really ought to be
Signed , the King and the Queen of the West

The SCAllion supports the WGA and the Knowne World wordsmiths in their fight for fair treatment.

Atenveldt · Peerage · Pelican · Service

Atenveldt suffers Denial of Service attack as Pelicans, others strike

BARONY OF TWIN MOONS, ATENVELDT — The Kingdom of Atenveldt has ground to standstill today as the Order of the Pelican, along with the Orders of the Beacon of the Desert and Light of Atenveldt, went on strike, an action described by the Kingdom Royalty as “a co-ordinated Denial of Service attack.”

Royal Chamberlain Maximillian von Siddown addressed the crisis. “With the service orders on strike, Atenveldt is operating on an extremely limited basis. While the strikers have pledged to file their next quarterly reports to prevent the Kingdom falling out of compliance at the Board level, events more complex than backyard practices have stopped almost completely. Representatives of the Crown and Territorial Nobility will be meeting with the head of the striking orders, James deHoffa, to try to resolve the issues.

Master deHoffa released a list of the complaints of the service orders to The SCAllion, and we presume, other media outlets. The strikers complaints include some health and safety concerns:

  • Muddy boots in the hall making floors slippery and adding to clean-up time
  • Mockery of mask enforcement both as in “making a mockery of” and “mocking those who mask”
  • Lack of first aid care for those who cross the picket line to the kitchen (even scabs deserve health care)

Among other things, the strikers are asking for:

  • Some attempt by the Royalty to keep to the schedule
  • The fighters and fencers, too, they always run late
  • A commitment to starting feasts on time
  • Severe punishments for those who volunteer to help and then don’t
  • More cookies

Master deHoffa clarified that he is referring in the last point to actual cookies, not the colloquial “cookies meaning awards,” although that would be fine, too.  

The call to start feasts on time has drawn support from some members of the Orders of the Laurel, Flower of the Desert, and Fleur de Soleil. One member of the Fleur, speaking on condition of anonymity, asked how they were supposed to be recognised for their cooking skills if all the hot dishes had gone cold by the time they were served. Adding, “Lukewarm pottage? Blech!”

An Tir · Arts and Sciences · Atenveldt · East · War of the Phoenix · West

BREAKING: GOATs to Sing National Anthem at Super Bowl

BARONY OF SUN DRAGON, KINGDOM OF ATENVELDT – In a move that surprises absolutely nobody, Tom Brady has come back out of retirement to sing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl LVII in the Barony of Sun Dragon. Sir Tom Brady, after retiring Monday, announced that he had re-signed with Atenveldt to perform as the National Anthem singer for the event and that he had invited Baron Goaty McGoatface, Bardic Champion of the West, to assist his performance in a rare instance of Cross-Kingdom Champions cooperation. It will be a powerful moment indeed when both the GOAT and the Goat sing The Star-Spangled Banner this Sunday.

When asked why Sir Tom was invited to sing the anthem, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell told The SCAllion, “In his entire 22-year career in the NFL, we never knew Mr. Brady was such a gifted singer. I caught his performance on the TikToks and knew he had the chops to sing the anthem.” When asked by The SCAllion if he was okay with His Excellency Goaty coming along for accompaniment, Mr. Goodell said, “Well, the GOAT knows goats and champions know champions, so it should be a sight to behold. We also can’t say no to Mr. Brady…Like legally, it’s been in his contract ever since Spygate.” When informed that Sir Tom had retired from the NFL, Mr. Goodell got a distant look on his face, screamed “WE’RE FREE! WE’RE FINALLY FREE!” and ran off while stripping nude. A few crewmembers working on preparations for the game snarked that it was clear that “Mr. Brady clearly just wanted to be back at the Super Bowl again, no matter what.”

The pair will sing the anthem at the conclusion of the Super Bowl pregame show, which is scheduled to last as long as an An Tir Twelfth Night court, this coming February 12th, A.S. LVII. 

Arts and Sciences · Atenveldt · Chivalry · East · Trimaris · War of the Phoenix

Tom Brady announces his retirement from the Society for Creative Anachronism

BARONY OF ATENVELDT, ATENVELDT — Following his surprise announcement last week that he had signed with the Kingdom of Atenveldt for the war season, and after being named Bardic Champion at the inaugural War of the Phoenix, Sir Tom has now announced that he is retiring from the Society for Creative Anachronism, effective immediately. “I think the way to do this is to go out on a high note, and now that I’ve been named Bardic Champion, been Knighted, and had a couple of melees, it is time for me to step back and do things with my family.”

NFL fans throughout the society are pointing to these sudden changes as typical of Brady in recent years, and have started calling for an investigation of how he won the bardic championship. The Eastern Chivalry have offered Sir Tom a one-day residence contract so he can retire as a member of the East rather than of Trimaris or Atenveldt.

Arts and Sciences · Atenveldt · War of the Phoenix

Tom Brady wins Bardic Championship at War of the Phoenix

American football quarterback Tom Brady recently signed on with the Kingdom of Atenveldt for the war season and has been spotted around Phoenix International Raceway by alert SCAdians. On Facebook, someone posted a picture with him in the background and a commenter asked, “Is that Tom Brady behind you in the Crown Foods line?” “I thought that dude looked familiar, but it’s been forever since I’ve seen anyone in person!” replied the OP. 

Thursday afternoon revealed the reason that Mr. Brady had come to Arizona. During the inaugural bardic championships, he brought two pieces to the Firebird stage that wowed the populace present. The first was a story in vernacular of a loyal army who did whatever it took to win 6 epic battles, and the second was the new jaunty war song, “Are You Ready for Some Melee?” 

Other performers also brought fantastically researched and performed pieces, but Mr. Brady earned the title and was victorious at the War of the Phoenix. A few Quintavians at War of the Phoenix grumbled that it was still Bill Belichick’s fault.

Armored Combat · Arts and Sciences · Atenveldt · Chivalry · Laurel · Peerage · Pelican · Royal Peer

Fighters upset to learn there are other people besides fighters in the SCA

BARONY OF ATENVELDT, ATENVELDT – “I showed up to this event, right?” began Lord Ulric von Munchen, a squire to Duke Ibn Ibn fad Ibn, KSCA, “And there was no fighting. None. Not even pickups!” he sullenly reported to The SCAllion, “It was like, this crazy art gallery thing or something. I mean, don’t get me wrong, there were tons of hot chicks, at least.” 

The event in question was Atenveldt Kingdom Arts and Sciences. “I just don’t think it’s fair,” said Comites Marcus Apulius Germanicus. “Since when did art matter in the ancient and medieval world? Don’t they know that all the Romans did was fight and conquer and fight and conquer and fight—” His Excellency swung his rattan gladius a bit too close while speaking, causing the listeners to clear space. “How else are we supposed to showcase our masculinity?” 

An unnamed knight actually struck a pose when answering our questions, “Look, everyone knows that everything in the SCA is in service to the Tournament. Art has its place: making the Tournament field look good.” 

A lamenting squire, Lord Shane MacGowan, said “I always thought chicks dug fighters.  But other than, you know, those other girls we don’t really want to date, you know, the ones that hang out with us dudes and fight? Yeah, they were all cooing over that ancient grumpy Duchess’ embroidery project.” 

They showed even more confusion when they found out that the individuals who hustled around the event, making sure it happened, gave them water on the field, cooked their snacks, and even cleaned the bathrooms were not migrant workers as expected, but many of them on the very well respected path towards, or members of, the Order of the Pelican. 

“Pelican?” questioned The Honorable Lord Matt ‘Meatball’ Fyre, squire to Comites Marcus, “But we’re nowhere near the ocean!”

Some at least acknowledged other forms of combat existed, but insisted that “rapier was for wussies” and archers “All needed to —–redacted—-“. 

The Arts & Sciences Competition was won by Mistress Isabel Sancte George, with her recreation of the daily leather accoutrements of a typical woman of the 1490s Lyon, including belt, shoes, and reading glasses.

Atenveldt · Trimaris · War of the Phoenix

BREAKING – Tom Brady retires mundanely, SCAllion editorial team smug

BARONY OF WYVERNWOODE, TRIMARIS – As we reported recently, Tom Brady has announced his retirement from professional football.

While Brady has not publicly announced his future plans, we at The SCAllion would like to remind you that we posted news of his retirement well in advance of his public announcement, and if you think that he won’t sign with Atenveldt as we predicted, well, how dare you doubt our reliability as a news source.

When asked for a rare public comment on how we broke this story before any mundane news source, The SCAllion Editor in Chief smirked.

Now that we know we don’t just report the news, but actually make the news, subscribe for updates to our stories coming out later today, including “SCAllion staff receives large bags of untaxable money,” “SCAllion editor in chief to become first SCAdian astronaut,” and “ Calontir announces first licensed derivative work: SCAllion, the musical.”

Arts and Sciences · Atenveldt · East · Trimaris · War of the Phoenix

Tom Brady departs Tampa Bay Buccaneers as a free agent to sign for Atenveldt for War of the Phoenix

BARONY OF WYVERNWOODE, TRIMARIS – Shortly after announcing his retirement from professional football, former NFL quarterback Tom Brady is back in the news with the surprise announcement that he has signed with Atenveldt for the upcoming war season.

Taking a break from practicing his bardic piece “Are you ready for some melee,” the 45-year old Brady told The SCAllion, “I realized the time wasn’t right to retire just yet. I think when the time is right, I’ll know, but I’m not there yet. I have more in me.”

Populace outrage continues in the Shire of Quintavia, home of Brady’s longtime team, the New England Patriots, where many still blame Bill Belichick for Brady’s decision to seek a contract with the Kingdom of Atenveldt.


Baronial Exchequer found to be padding Kingdom’s bank accounts with personal OnlyFans account

KINGDOM OF ATENVELDT – The SCAllion learned earlier today that an unnamed baronial Exchequer has secretly been padding the kingdom’s bank accounts with their own private OnlyFans operation. Records show that private donations to the Kingdom Travel Fund have been significant over the last three years, and have considerably outgrown travel costs.

Annual budget negotiations brought to light the excessive size of the designated funds, when one member of the financial committee questioned the stated proportions.

When contacted for comment, Kingdom officials were stunned to learn of this development. Said one: “Uh, wait a minute. . .let me go check into that”, another commented “Hehehehehehehehe. . .” and a third was heard to comment “Well that was where all that extra cash was coming from. Huh, how about that.” 

Other kingdom higher-ups either could not be reached for comment, or flatly refused to offer any insight into this growing controversy. We will remain embedded and deeply researching until such time as the full story can be revealed.