BARONY OF HIDDEN MOUNTAIN, ATLANTIA – A biohazard quarantine area has been declared in an area of suburban Charleston in response to what SCAllion reporters have heard described as a “horrifying nightmare” of an armor bag. Ten square blocks have been cordoned off and the perimeter is currently surrounded by military personnel and people in hazmat suits.
Speaking with Cassandra Wilkes, 27, who offered to clear the air regarding the on-going situation. “I don’t do SCA, but my daddy did. I knew he had armor and fought and stuff. He passed last fall and we finally got to clearing some of his things. When I found his old army bag in the garage, I didn’t know what was in it, but lord preserve me!”
Stumbling unknowingly onto the armor bag of the late Lord Robert de Calais, she opened it to find a revolting moldy mass that had once been a gambeson and leather armor. “When I came to after passing out from the smell, I ran into the house and found a mask and a bottle of vodka. That kills mold, so I figured I’d pour it all in, maybe that would help. But I swear when I did, I heard it laugh! I think I even heard the words “more!” Whatever is in that bag ain’t natural no more!”
Following this failed effort, the deleterious effects of opening the bag began to spread through the neighborhood. “I mean, dogs started barking all over and I could hear coughing from the neighbor’s house. A car alarm even went off! I got out of there as quick as I could and called the police!”
Authorities on site refused further comment but indicated that there was no further immediate danger and the quarantine was out of an abundance of caution. Several people in hazmat suits could be seen carrying a large crate stamped “Specimen” in bold stenciled letters, escorted by soldiers with rifles out of the area.
The SCAllion offers its condolences to the Wilkes family for their recent loss and will continue to monitor the situation for developments.
BARONY OF HIGHLAND FOORDE, ATLANTIA – In a moment that stunned the Knowne World, a Laurel has entered and won Crown List in Atlantia with the weapons form of a center-grip shield and three-ring binder of poetry documentation.
Her Highness Isolde, OL, presented herself at the field prior to Crown list and was told that she could both enter and use her documentation as a weapon by the Kingdom Earl Marshal, a giraffe with a 12th century Welsh persona. She then proceeded to wield that documentation flawlessly, coasting undefeated to the finals, where she bested Sir Ourri d’Atainville to become the new heir to Atlantia.
“I don’t even know what happened,” Sir Ourri told us. “How do you just show up one day for your first fight ever, and be allowed on the field with a weapon that looks like a phone book. It’s not in any rules I know.”
One bystander was more excited. “She entered and just cleaned up,” we were told. “Every time ‘lay on’ was called, Her Highness walked up to her opponent and just started beating them over the head with her documentation until they called it. It was beautiful.”
Sir Ourri plans to contest the results based on the nonstandard weapon and unusual authorization, but The SCAllion (and Mistress Isolde) can find no violation of the rules and policy interpretations recently laid down by the Board of Directors and Society Earl Marshal.
Mistress Isolde said of her victory:
Shall I lambast thee on a summer day? With just a binder full of notes and songs? Woulds’t thou prefer a troubadorish lay For me to give thee all of thy kabongs?
Sometimes too hot the poet’s eye doth shine As scorn it heaps upon its fearsome foe So call your shots, man up, and do not whine And by a poet’s rhymings be laid low.
My blows shall rain upon thy helm like rain For nothing is so like itself as rain. And now you find yourself in dreadful pain Since rain,rain, rain, rain, rain is this quatrain.
So long as one can breathe or eyes can see Fall down, you’re dead, at least please take a knee.
The SCAllion shall continue to track Princess Isolde’s upcoming reign with great interest.
KNOWNE WORLD – Across all of the kingdoms of the Knowne World, wordsmiths of the Society for Creative Anachronism are launching a sympathy strike with the Writers Guild of America (WGA). These “wordsmiths” of the Knowne World are those who provide texts for award scrolls and related documents, as well as ceremony heralds and royal schtick writers. Renowned wordsmith and poet, Magistra Virginia Lupa released a statement.
“So much of what we do in the Knowne World has been influenced by members of the WGA, whose work has informed and, if you will pardon a little scribal joke, illuminated our own work. While members of the WGA are striking over issues which affect their very livelihood, SCA wordsmiths and scribes can also suffer from difficult working conditions, and although our “pay” comes in social capital and wordfame, sometimes we don’t even get that. Supporting our sibling writers in the WGA seems only fair, after all they’ve given us.”
The strike has affected all the kingdoms, though some have been harder hit than others. Kingdoms which have standard texts for some awards have suffered less than those where all scrolls are unique. Some of those kingdoms have begun to look through older scroll texts to find those which can be depersonalised and recycled. Peerage scrolls are universally unique, causing some kingdoms to delay elevations while the strike is ongoing.
Some kingdoms have even resorted to scabs, with predictably poor results. Maestra Monica do Cabo Verde, elevated shortly after the strike began, was a victim. “The illumination is gorgeous, the calligraphy is fantastic, but the text.” Maestra Monica burst into tears before giving The SCAllion a transcription of the text, which is reproduced below in its entirety.
A woman stood out from the rest Her service was truly the best A Pelican she Really ought to be Signed , the King and the Queen of the West
The SCAllion supports the WGA and the Knowne World wordsmiths in their fight for fair treatment.
BARONY OF BODLINGTONE, KINGDOM OF BODLANDIA — After years of silence and frustration, the Board of Directors of the Society for Creative Anachronism finally will be releasing its requirements for a path to Peerage for any martial arts other than armored combat and rapier. Reporters for The SCAllion managed to obtain an advanced copy of the requirements document by meeting with their top-secret Board source, known only as “Deep Gorget,” in a parking garage in Barony of Storvik, where they traded period cast pewter tokens for information. The contents of the document are astounding.
Martial arts communities in the Society not already recognized with a Peerage will have to complete three out of a list of a possible twenty-seven tasks in order to earn the right to put a proposal for a new Peerage before the Board. The qualifying tasks range from merely difficult to flat-out impossible, including:
Empty Lake Jennings using only a thimble;
Cut down the mightiest tree in Allegheny National Forest with a herring;
Defeat the Kobayashi Maru simulation;
Manually clean and re-stock all of the portable toilets at Pennsic in a single night;
Find an acre of land between the salt water and the sea-strand, plough it with a lamb’s horn, and sow it all over with one peppercorn;
Create an A&S project from the sound of a cat’s footfall, the beard of a woman, the roots of a mountain, the sinews of a bear, the breath of a fish, and the spittle of a bird; or
Destroy a Ring of Power by dropping it into the fires of Mount Doom without losing a finger.
Once three of the requisite tasks are completed, the petitioner(s) must appear before the Board in person, “not clothed, not naked, not riding, not walking, not in the road, and not out of the road, during a day without a night and a night without a day.”
Board spokesman Duke Orric de Mahomeriola explained these requirements: “The Board recognizes that it mishandled the creation of the Order of Defense by giving unclear and inconsistent instructions. We believe that these new standards provide the necessary clarity for any other martial community seeking a Peerage for their activity, as well as properly setting expectations as to how the Board will respond.” When questioned about the difficulty of the required tasks, Duke Orric responded, “Look, peerage requirements can be specific, measurable, or attainable. Pick two.”
Proponents of the “Omnibus Peerage” proposal are dismayed, but strangely relieved. “At least we know what the BoD expects from us now,” said Landgräfin Kunigunda Haigerloch, one of the co-authors of the Omnibus Peerage Proposal. “They’ve strung us along for so long that it’s a relief to get something, even if that something is utterly ridiculous.”
Master Thomas Roy MacGillewye, head of the Known World Equestrian Guild, described the mixed feelings of his community: “We’re disappointed, of course, but I think the Board underestimates how determined we are to see our fellow archers, throwers, equestrians, scouts and siege engineers recognized after all this time. The Board should be careful what it asks for, it just might get it.”
Landgräfin Kunigunda hinted that a group of archers already had a lead for renting some giant eagles, while Master Thomas noted that the Board’s requirements did not define the size and shape of a “thimble.” Neither representative would confirm or deny additional plans.
The SCAllion will keep track of this story as it develops.
BARONY OF PONTE ALTO, ATLANTIA: Last night, The SCAllion’s top-secret inside source at the Board of Directors’ meeting, known only as “Deep Gorget,” summoned this reporter to a clandestine meeting in a small park behind a strip mall in the Barony of Ponte Alto. At that meeting, between long bouts of chain smoking, Deep Gorget revealed that the repeated questions from the populace about the Board’s procedures and lack of transparency are beginning to take their toll. “The heat is on,” Deep Gorget explained. When I asked what they meant, Deep Gorget replied, “Since people started questioning the sanctions arising from the alligator incident, I’m seeing temper tantrums in the corporate offices, a lot of vague-booking that isn’t nearly vague enough, and a sharp increase in orders of Xanax.”
Deep Gorget then gave this reporter screenshots of a stunning series of texts and emails in which Board of Directors members complained about members of the populace questioning their judgment. In one particularly shocking email, Duchess Merione Ferquair of Melby wrote, “I can’t believe these peasants are complaining about us again! Don’t they know all the things we do are for their own good? Why, if we didn’t allow alligators to swim at Pennsic, we could be sued for discrimination! We know things about the alligator problem that they don’t know and they just need to believe us and shut up.”
In a recent text to Board Chairman Duke Nigel Henteloue, apparently written and sent during the recent streamed meeting, Duchess Merione was even more pointed. “These churls are infuriating! So much complaining! Why don’t they go eat some damn cake and leave us alone!?”
When asked for comment on these communications, Deep Gorget looked over their shoulders, lit another cigarette, and said, “Forget the myths that the media’s created about Royal Peers and the BoD. The truth is, these are not very bright folks, and things got out of hand.”
This reporter had many questions about repeated references in the leaked internal Board communications about “125 out of 25,000.” Does it refer to 125 complaints about alligators? Is it 125 lawsuits settled without disclosure to the populace? Does it refer to the number of complaints about men in houppelandes made in Meridies as a result of Tennessee’s new laws? Deep Gorget was not helpful. “You’ll have to figure it out on your own,” they said. When I objected to being strung along, Deep Gorget replied, “No, I have to do this my way. You tell me what you know, and I’ll confirm. I’ll keep you in the right direction if I can, but that’s all. Just…follow the money.”
Atlantia has recently seen a succession of Crowns all belonging to a single household, with three of the five couples achieving their duchy. We sat down with the original duchess of the household, Her Grace Emmeline Neuburg, OL, to ask her how the household has managed seven consecutive reigns.
The SCAllion: Your Grace, the Neubergs have had seven reigns in a row, and today the seventh steps down from the throne. Duncan and Rhiannon are both members of the household, correct?
Emmeline Neuburg: Yes, they are. Duncan was my late husband’s squire, and Rhiannon is my apprentice.
S: How does it feel to be at the end of a four year run of your household supporting royalty?
EN: I think it has been very helpful to everyone in the household to understand exactly what it means to sit on the thrones before they fight in Crown, because we’ve all been very involved from the beginning. I’m just sorry that Michael passed away last spring and didn’t get to see our plan through.
S: Your plan?
EN: Of course. In many ways, this has been a culmination of both his training methods and my A&S project into appropriate period performance-enhancing supplements.
S: Can you explain further?
EN: I’m a Laurel now, but when Michael and I were first getting serious about Crown Tournament, I hadn’t found where I wanted to focus my research. Now, being a Queen is disruptive to actually getting research done, but after the first time, I decided I wanted to look at the work of women herbalists and midwives. I found one “recipe for soldiers” that I thought looked interesting, and made a batch to enter at Pennsic A&S. Well, Michael, bless his heart, grabbed the wrong bottle just before the field battle. He came back in sucha good mood and not at all tired!
S: So, the effect was to give him more energy?
EN: In so many ways. He’d fought in the front of every battle and said it was like he’d just finished warm ups. Of course, now I didn’t have an entry, but we’d found something worth knowing.
I kept refining the recipe, looking at other similar examples, and he used it before every Crown he fought in and won.
About 5 years ago, his former squires were starting to get really serious about Crown, so he stepped up the household practices and we talked about what it would look like to have a solid bloc of royalty with the same philosophy about reigning and the continuity we could bring. We had also never tried “Duke Juice” on anyone else!
S: This is when you brought the rest of the household in on your secret?
EN: it wasn’t really a secret, most people just didn’t believe it was a period recipe, or if it was, that it did anything! Getting the correct dosage such that someone gets the benefits but not the side effects has turned out to be a little trickier than we thought, but we experimented first at fighter practices, then events and war. It was at war when their ladies started coming to me too – it let them party half the night and still be up to go to 9am classes or volunteer all day.
At which point, the household got together and decided that we were going to see if we could put together a ruling bloc for long enough to effect real change in Atlantia.
S: What were your goals, then?
EN: Oh, making sure that most of the household got their peerages as soon as possible, and that we had fewer restrictions on the marshal orders. Some minor changes in law and policy- I can’t remember all of them now, we changed them over 3 years ago, and people have become accustomed to the new ways of doing things
S: I take it your entire household is on “Duke Juice”, then?
EN: Yes! At different dosages and concentrations, that’s a lot of what my research has been! I’ve refined the recipe, now it’s about the effects on a wider group! And, really, we wouldn’t have survived four years of always having someone on the thrones without something.
S: So, what’s in your Duke Juice?
EN: I mean, my research is entered in Kingdom A&S tomorrow, so I can tell you that it’s an alcohol extraction of arctic root, Siberian ginseng, hemp, valerian root, rose root, and willow bark. It helps with anxiety, pain, energy, and the ability to get things done! I am looking forward to seeing what the rest of the kingdom does with it!
BARONY OF MARINUS, ATLANTIA – In a move that surprised no one, Sir Seamus the Silent has declared in a public Facebook post that he dislikes The SCAllion. “All they do is put words on a web page, criticizing the true leaders of the SCA without signing their name to anything. If they are going to criticize the Chivalry, I will meet them on the field and we can talk about it with our swords. I’m sure we can find someone to authorize them if they’re not.” Sir Seamus’ Facebook profile is listed under his society name. While this has prevented the majority of his friends list from losing his society name in favor of his modern name in recent years, this has meant that several people have assumed that his modern name is Seamus rather than Frank.
“If they want to change the SCA they should show up on the list field and get good enough to win Crown,” continued the post. “Making Kingdom Laws by right of arms is how things get done around here.” The SCAllion has verified that Sir Seamus has appeared in the final four of Crown Tournament twice and in Courts of Chivalry three times.
Sir Seamus has “Deeds Not Words” as his description on his Facebook profile. The SCAllion has also learned he has “Deeds Not Words” tattooed on the outside of his sword arm as it is prominently placed in his user icon, blocking his face.
Local Exchequer and self-identified SCAllion superfan Lord Halvkey Vetinari observed carefully, “Seamus is extremely fond of quoting that particular phrase. He brings it up in barony meetings when we start talking through the budget, mostly as a way of getting us to stop talking, I think.”
Other tactics used by Sir Seamus to disrupt otherwise productive meetings include frequent and incorrect references to Friedrich Nietzsche, detailed retellings of former glory as a martial artist in high school, and insisting the chronicler publish his household’s private Spear-The-Beer scores on a weekly basis.
However, The SCAllion respects his right to privacy, and will not be trying to expose his true identity.
BARONY OF STORVIK, KINGDOM OF ATLANTIA – It has been revealed through a Freedom of Information Act request that the IRS embedded an agent in the Society for Creative Anachronism from 2018 to 2020 to determine if it should retain its not-for-profit tax status. After realizing it had received over 12 complaints in its 50-year history, an agent was chosen from the ranks based on a past history of infiltration of similar groups. According to the FOIA, the agent had previously spent six months in the Knights of Columbus and it was deemed ‘close enough for government work.’ All agents’ names were redacted in the report.
In an interagency investigation, a Department of the Treasury agent was also assigned to the Society in response to the network of bank accounts it controls. The two agents were embedded first at Gulf Wars as two wandering bards, but were so uncomfortable with the amount of hostility at their filk of The Village People’s song “YMCA” that they decided to go as something they knew, and infiltrated the Knowne World Exchequer’s party at Pennsic War. They were accepted as new exchequers by the group and were quickly taught the exchequer policy by people in the Kingdom of Atlantia, where they both legally resided.
After six months, the IRS agent was serving his first term as baronial exchequer, while the Treasury agent was a deputy Kingdom Exchequer. According to the report, it was “such a natural fit that we decided to go where we could do the most good.” After serving most of a two-year term the IRS agent felt that they had gathered enough information to write their report. With COVID shutdowns starting, they both quietly slipped away from the Society.
In their final report, the agents noted that while the Society for Creative Anachronism did not perfectly live up to the rules of a 501(c)(3) organization, they were far better at it than the average evangelical charity. There was also a personal note from the Department of the Treasury agent that “The members of the Exchequer community are the hardest working people in the SCA. We should look at recruiting those with professional certifications into appropriate positions, as long as there would not be a conflict of interest with their SCA work.”
BARONY OF CALAFIA, CAID – Following recent scenes at Caid’s Crown Tourney, the Kingdom of Caid has decided to add a Television Match Official Marshal to future Crown Tournaments. A notable Caidan peer opined, “This change will allow future tournaments to be held without fear of missed shots or on-target unblocked shots. The TMO Marshal will be able to identify and encourage correctly shucked shots and thereby restore faith in the high honor and calibration of a Crown Tournament final.”
It is surmised that this knee-jerk response will do much to reassure members of the populace who have felt that Crown Tournament has become too soft in recent years.
It is reported that at least three Atlantian dukes have demanded an immediate ban on all video at Atlantian Crown Tournaments in reaction; however, none could be reached for coherent comment by press time.
BARONY OF BRIGHT HILLS, ATLANTIA – In emergency marshals’ meetings this week, the archery and thrown weapons marshals of Atlantia have voted to form a union and to go on strike if their demands are not met.
Their primary demand? That the Marshal in Charge is acknowledged as the only authority after God on the range while the activity is in progress.
“This is very much a safety item,” said Mistress Beatrice ferch Wyn, the new union president. “And what we are demanding is that the rights of the range marshal as the ultimate authority on their range be confirmed by the Kingdom and Society Earls Marshal. This has long been the understanding of our marshallates, but recent decisions by the SEM and BoD have left too many questions in the air.”
This situation was brought about by the recent ruling of the Society Earl Marshal and the SCA Board of Directors to sanction a lifeguard for attempting to enforce Society for Creative Anachronism’s safety rules. One thrown weapons marshal on Facebook was seen to say, “We’re throwing sharp axes, knives, and spears. I don’t care if you are God Themself, if you are being a jerk on my range, I’m kicking you off for the safety of everyone else. Where the hell is my union card? I’m signing up right now.”
Kingdom Archery Marshal William Harrison supported the unionization efforts. “I have tried to get it through the heads above me that the reason we use targets rather than people is because what we use are live weapons. Thrown Weapons is in the same position. One wrong move with rattan is going to hurt, but it’s not going to be deadly. If someone violates the range safety rules, the likelihood of serious injury is extremely high. If my marshals want to go on strike until their right to ensure the safety for all participants is acknowledged, I will stand on that picket line with them.”
The movement seems to have kicked off similar efforts in other kingdoms, but no one else has yet put it to the vote.
Neither the Board of Directors or the office of the Society Earl Marshal had responded to requests for comment by press time. One member of the SEM’s staff, however, had posted to his facebook, “So who cares if there isn’t archery or thrown weapons at Gulf Wars? It’s not like it’s fighting.”
the SCAllion 
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