BARONY OF AYRETON, MIDDLE KINGDOM – In a story that has become entirely too common in today’s Society for Creative Anachronism, Their Majesties of the Midrealm pronounced a Banishment from the Realm for Jacob and Ellwood Blaüen on Saturday.
While the Board insists that officers and crowns do not disclose the reasons for a banishment, The SCAllion’s inside mole, Deep Gorget, says that the Blaüens were banished for advocating that people should punch Nazis when they announce themselves, and that Nazis and white supremacists should be removed from participating in the Society. Deep Gorget also made clear that Their Majesties and the Kingdom Seneschal of the Middle were given no choice about levying these sanctions – they were given a mandate from above.
Lords Jacob and Ellwood made their statements after a run-in with a visitor to the open bardic evening they hosted at their home last week: someone identifying himself only as “a newcomer” walked in wearing khaki fatigues with lightning bolt collar pins and armbands bearing the Nazi flag and the Confederate battle flag. According to witnesses, the brothers initially asked the person politely to leave their home. When the person asked why they should have to leave an open Baronial bardic event, Ellwood replied, “I hate Illinois Nazis, and I don’t want them in my home.” The person left after verbally insulting the brothers and their guests. The Blaüens then posted about the encounter on Facebook, as described above, leading to a bullying and harassment complaint being filed against them with the Society Seneschal’s office by the angry “newcomer”.
Opinions around the kingdom were largely in support of the brothers Blaüen, elevating them to status of folk heroes. Crown Princess Carolina Piscatrix loudly publicly disagreed with the sanction. “We must stand together as an alliance to protect our game from the harm being done by the few who want to use us to live out their white supremacist fantasies. Those people should have no place in our Society.”
After some cajoling, Deep Gorget revealed that the incident with the Blaüens is not the only example of the anti-bullying policy being weaponized by actual bullies and white supremacists. Sir Stephanus filius Rogeri of the East is facing a threat of banishment for posting the following on Facebook: “It’s our duty as peers, and especially as members of the Chivalry, to always punch Nazis.” Complaints of bullying have also been made against Princess Diana of Ephesos, the current Princess of the Mists, because her Facebook banner is an image of Wonder Woman punching Hitler from Wonder Woman #2 (1942).
“It’s a sad day,” Deep Gorget complained between drags on his unfiltered cigarette, “when wishing you could punch Nazis is punished more harshly than being a Nazi. But that’s where we are, at least until the BoD gets its head out of its ass.”
BARONY OF VATAVIA, CALONTIR – At Coronation this weekend, Their Majesties Calontir announced a change in the requirements for heavy fighting authorization: the ability to carry a tune.
Their Majesties, King Olaf Siggurdson and Queen Aliya Rosenwood, announced at Their first court that singing tests would now be required in order for any new heavy weapons authorizations. They made it clear that anyone re-authorizing would also be subject to the new requirement. “We are already the greatest field army in the Knowne World,” said King Olaf, “but we need to be the best sounding one too. We love to sing as an army when we take the field, but there are some people just dragging us down from a musical standpoint. Also, it’s a safety issue – we really don’t want to strike flat.”
Queen Aliya went on: “I am so proud of our army. Now, in keeping with our might, we need to start addressing other aspects of our greatness, and we pride ourselves on our group singing. We need to make sure we sound as great as we fight, and look! We will also need to be able to project over the new bulldozer shield wall, so we’re really looking to maximize our volume.”
Their Majesties also noted that singing lessons would be available at several major events in the kingdom, as well as many local fighter practices.
Several Huscarls objected in the back of court that they were plenty loud enough, and that requirements that people know how to sing were “against the traditions of Pavel”.
SHIRE OF CROSSTON, PRINCIPALITY OF THE MISTS, KINGDOM OF THE WEST – The bardic community is up in arms that they will soon be replaced with Google’s AI Chatbot “Bard”. While Bard is yet to roll out, news of the updated technology is making waves. A SCAdian employee of Google spoke with The SCAllion on the condition of anonymity. “The upside of this replacement is you won’t have to pay the bard who shows up in your camp with ale. Your phone and a set of battery operated speakers and you can have whatever original period music you want!” When pressed on details, the employee admitted that the technology was still unstable. “It’s in beta,” they admitted,”the quality of the music is not yet reliable. I asked for an Old English version of To The West and I got rickrolled with shawm & viol instead.”
The bardic community is roiling with resentment, repeated outbursts of righteous rage, and rampant alliteration. Inside Discord servers, across Facebook, and in rehearsals, musicians are talking animatedly about art, ownership, and the anticipated lack of alcoholic offerings. “It’s not fair,” said Martine Courtois of the Outlands, “I’ve been working on learning the lute for years, honing my craft and performance sense… and now an out of period machine will pump out tunes? Where’s the ambiance? Where’s the craftsmanship?”
Calontir has a unique take on the machine learning tool: “Because it outputs words in nonsense order, no one can sing along! It’s only good for solo pieces, it’s not a real bard!” said a bardic Pelican upon condition of anonymity. “We are a community bardic kingdom. Other places are welcome to this single-person nonsense.”
The SCAllion staff room had been bopping along to the faux bardcore until the editors noticed that we were writing out the random word order into our stories. We are now back to listening to artisanal bardcore.