Board of Directors · Caid · Community Standards · King · Potrero · Royal Peer · Sanctions

Snarky amateur critics ousted from Caid royal court; replaced by the insightful social commentary of puppets

BARONY OF ALTAVIA, CAID — Two months ago, in an attempt to conduct a more dignified court, the King and Queen quietly banished those individuals who are known for making sarcastic, albeit hilarious, remarks from the back of royal court.

“To me, the SCA is all about pageantry and ritual,” remarked Their Majesty in an interview conducted just after the banishments had been announced, “When certain people make unsolicited comments from a partially obscured place in court, it really takes from everybody else’s experience. Oh, I know many people claim to enjoy the comments, but they’re just being nice. What the people really want is a court that conducts itself with the utmost seriousness.”

“That having been said,” interjected His Majesty, “We are well aware that the populace enjoys the social commentary, so we have invited two individuals new to our kingdom to provide this commentary while conducting themselves with the utmost courtesy and decorum. Lords Statler and Waldorf are certain to add the solemnity our courts so sorely need.”

Since then, it has been noted amongst the Caidan populace that Their Majesties are at the moment regretting this decision. Seemingly ignorant of Lords Statler and Waldorf’s modern occupation, the Crowns have spent subsequent royal courts on the receiving end of an amount of mean-spirited heckling never before observed outside of discussions regarding the Board of Directors.

During a point of the primary royal court at Consort’s Champion, in which the king held forth at length about how unusual it is for him to get choked up while presenting an award (despite getting choked up at EVERY royal court, sometimes on multiple occasions), Lord Statler was heard to stage-whisper to Lord Waldorf, “Do you believe in life after death?” Lord Waldorf responded: “Every time I leave one of his courts!”

This behavior was repeated two weeks later at Potrero War, where the lively lords broke up a particularly tedious knighting with their inimitable brand of heckling. When reprimanded by Their Majesties, Lord Statler again stage-whispered to his companion, “The SCA is a completely different culture isn’t it?”

Lord Waldorf agreed, declaring, “You said it! Everything here is immediately followed by sarcastic comments and nasty responses!”

“Yup,” replied Lord Statler, “We’re finally where we belong!” As is becoming habit, both lords proceeded to burst into obnoxious laughter.

The SCAllion asked the lords about their new roles following the royal court at Lyondemere Investiture, Lord Statler commented on the court experience under Their Majesties: “You know, there’s nothing like a truly decorous court.”

“Yep, and that was nothing like it!” answered Lord Waldorf.

When asked whether they were concerned that their remarks would end in banishment, Waldorf remained confident. “It’s not going to happen. Maybe if the Crown had minions that weren’t so utterly lazy or useless with simple tools like screwdrivers…” Lord Waldorf continuing “We can’t be kicked out! We’re bolted to the seats!”

“Besides,” added Lord Statler, “After sitting through a few of their courts, banishment would be a reprieve!”

“We could really go for a good R&D right about now,” asserted Lord Waldorf.

Despite the established conflict between the two parties,The SCAllion is certain that, on this point, Their Majesties would agree. The SCAllion has also noted that despite the rather zingy one-liners, even then it is not clear whether or not Community Standards would apply as a reason for any sort of Revocation and Denial of Benefits or if it would apply to Lords Statler and Waldorf.

P.S.: Jaws says we should note that Statler & Waldorf are owned by Disney, and not by us.

Aethelmearc · Ansteorra · Artemisia · Arts and Sciences · Atenveldt · Atlantia · Avacal · Caid · Calontir · Cynagua · Drachenwald · Ealdormere · East · Gleann Abhann · Insulae Draconis · Knowne World · Lochac · Meridies · Midrealm · Mists · Nordmark · Northshield · Outlands · Tir Mara · Tir Righ · Trimaris · West

Known World Wordsmiths join WGA strike

KNOWNE WORLD – Across all of the kingdoms of the Knowne World, wordsmiths of the Society for Creative Anachronism are launching a sympathy strike with the Writers Guild of America (WGA). These “wordsmiths” of the Knowne World are those who provide texts for award scrolls and related documents, as well as ceremony heralds and royal schtick writers. Renowned wordsmith and poet, Magistra Virginia Lupa released a statement.

“So much of what we do in the Knowne World has been influenced by members of the WGA, whose work has informed and, if you will pardon a little scribal joke, illuminated our own work. While members of the WGA are striking over issues which affect their very livelihood, SCA wordsmiths and scribes can also suffer from difficult working conditions, and although our “pay” comes in social capital and wordfame, sometimes we don’t even get that.  Supporting our sibling writers in the WGA seems only fair, after all they’ve given us.”

The strike has affected all the kingdoms, though some have been harder hit than others.  Kingdoms which have standard texts for some awards have suffered less than those where all scrolls are unique. Some of those kingdoms have begun to look through older scroll texts to find those which can be depersonalised and recycled. Peerage scrolls are universally unique, causing some kingdoms to delay elevations while the strike is ongoing.

Some kingdoms have even resorted to scabs, with predictably poor results. Maestra Monica do Cabo Verde, elevated shortly after the strike began, was a victim. “The illumination is gorgeous, the calligraphy is fantastic, but the text.”  Maestra Monica burst into tears before giving The SCAllion a transcription of the text, which is reproduced below in its entirety.

A woman stood out from the rest
Her service was truly the best
A Pelican she
Really ought to be
Signed , the King and the Queen of the West

The SCAllion supports the WGA and the Knowne World wordsmiths in their fight for fair treatment.

Board of Directors · Caid · Knowne World

BREAKING: Boris Johnson to Run for SCA President

SHIRE OF THE ISLES, CAID – An intrepid SCAllion writer recently met with a bored reporter for The Daily Mail, currently stuck in California trying to dig up dirt on Harry and Meghan, who leaked this story on the condition of anonymity and a generous helping of free drinks.  

Boris Johnson, the disgraced former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, has decided to reinstate the British Empire by taking over the Society for Creative Anachronism and installing himself as President of the organization. He was overheard saying “Since the SCA seems to love the concept of glorious Olde England as much as I do, I’m going to run for President of the SCA. They don’t have any way to vote the president out, or insist on elections every five years.   I mean, the current President has been in that position for almost 10 years.  Not nearly as long as The Iron Lady, of course, but it’s a good solid run.   Plus, I’m currently unemployed and the position comes with a generous salary in US dollars. As a bonus, it’s never been in the EU, although there are a lot of regulations.”  Johnson then denied rumors he was contemplating a KWexit movement. 

When asked why he was targeting the Society for Creative Anachronism for his power grab, Johnson was heard to say, “Rumor has it that they have the fourth largest standing army in the Continental US, just slightly larger than the 3 Percenters and the Proud Boys, and the SCA seems less troublesome than either of those groups. Although there is enough overlap that there have been a few scandals.  Though none of those are that bad, really. A standing army willing to blindly follow a king seems just the sort of gift that will get me back in Charles’ good graces before his coronation, maybe even get me a proper knighthood.”  Johnson, still facing backlash at home over holding parties during COVID lockdown, is said to be looking forward to being introduced to Pennsic party culture. 

When approached for comment on this stunning news by The SCAllion, His Highness Grimr Vémundarson, Prince of Insulae Draconis, expressed substantial relief at the prospect of Johnson leaving his realm and stated that he would do everything necessary to encourage Johnson to go to the US.

Duchess Gremislava Zaya, Society Seneschal, had this to say: “Joke’s on him, we don’t elect our president.“

Caid · Heraldry

Actor Samuel L. Jackson banned from heraldic commentary; Threatens Wreath

BARONY OF GYLDENHOLT, CAID — In a shocking turn of events, Lord Giles Wynnfield (modernly known as actor Samuel L. Jackson) has made explicit threats of violence against Wreath King of Arms. These threats followed a bombshell move by the College of Arms when it declared Jackson banned for life from contributing heraldic commentary.

“Lord Wynnfield is passionate about SCA arms and heraldry,” admitted Wreath, “But the way he expresses that passion is completely unacceptable.”

Although Wreath refused to comment further, The SCAllion has learned that Jackson was notorious within the heraldic community for his confrontational choices of wording during discussions of proposed armory.

“I’m a fan of his work outside the SCA, but dude is completely unhinged when it comes to submissions,” said Signore Antonio Bugiardino, who has asked to remain anonymous for reasons of wanting to retain all four limbs, “When I first got interested in heraldry, it took me a while to pick up the lingo. I guess I made a few mistakes while describing some devices, because Lord Wynnfield made a point of responding to my commentary with ‘Blazon, motherf***er, do you speak it?’ Needless to say, it wasn’t the most encouraging thing for a newbie to hear.”

Other anonymous heralds who value their health, such as Daunt Pieret Chatouilleur de Calmar, attest that Jackson had a quick temper and could suddenly become enraged when irritated. One decision meeting was abruptly cut short when Jackson countered a particularly nitpicky argument with “Say ‘charge chow’ again. Say ‘charge chow’ again, I dare you, I double dare you motherf***er, say ‘charge chow’ one more godd*mn time!”

Although intimidating to some, there are members of the heraldic community who say that they will miss Jackson’s inimitable style of colorful heraldic commentary. More than one herald fondly recalls the occasion when Jackson went head-to-head with a notoriously difficult knight who insisted that the College should allow him to incorporate a subtle motif of valknuts into his proposed device. Jackson allegedly responded to pushback from the knight, saying, “Don’t give me attitude, Sir. See, you’re assuming I won’t tell your sorry ass to resubmit and everyone knows, when you make an assumption, you make an ass out of ‘u’ and ‘umption.’”

The incident that prompted the ban took place at the most recent Laurel Roadshow, during a discussion about the representation of marine life in heraldic charges. While discussing a particular submission, Jackson alarmed bystanders when he stood up and yelled, “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERF***ING HAKES ON THIS MOTHERF***ING CROSS OF LORRAINE!”

When asked for comment, Jackson’s public relations representative issued the following statement: “Mr. Jackson recognizes the College has made a decision but given that it’s a stupid-a** decision, he has elected to ignore it.”

The College of Arms has offered to crowdsource a bodyguard for Wreath King of Arms, but Wreath has turned it down, saying, “Last time I trusted someone, I lost an LoI.”

Armored Combat · Atlantia · Caid · Crown Tournament

Caid to add TMO-Trained Marshals to Future Crown Tourneys, Atlantian Dukes Call for Immediate Prohibition on All Video

BARONY OF CALAFIA, CAID – Following recent scenes at Caid’s Crown Tourney, the Kingdom of Caid has decided to add a Television Match Official Marshal to future Crown Tournaments. A notable Caidan peer opined, “This change will allow future tournaments to be held without fear of missed shots or on-target unblocked shots. The TMO Marshal will be able to identify and encourage correctly shucked shots and thereby restore faith in the high honor and calibration of a Crown Tournament final.” 

It is surmised that this knee-jerk response will do much to reassure members of the populace who have felt that Crown Tournament has become too soft in recent years. 

It is reported that at least three Atlantian dukes have demanded an immediate ban on all video at Atlantian Crown Tournaments in reaction; however, none could be reached for coherent comment by press time.

Board of Directors · Caid · Chivalry · Leaks · Leeks · Pennsic War

The SCAllion Leeks – BoD: We’re not biased, most of our members are Royal Peers!

BARONY OF ANGELS, CAID — In recent weeks, there have been increasingly vocal concerns about the appearance of bias and favoritism on the part of the Society for Creative Anachronism Board of Directors and Society Officers. People have started looking at the connections between officers at the corporate level, and the calls for transparency have gotten louder. 

The SCAllion received a leak from several private parties of a draft statement in response to recent allegations of bias in their rulings, addressing the growing controversy.

“We, the Board of Directors of the Society for Creative Anachronism, wish to address the allegations levied against us in regards to bias in our recent rulings, including our affirmation of sanctions against the lifeguard at a recent Pennsic War. We want to point out that we cannot be biased, considering the number of Dukes and Duchesses who are currently serving on the Board. We even have a Knight who is NOT a Royal Peer. With this incredible depth of institutional knowledge, bias is virtually impossible. All these men and women strive to maintain impartiality in their rulings and judgments, and we believe our recent track record bears that out.”

The Society Earl Marshal, Conte Raynirolus de la Cavalla posted on his personal Facebook page: “The office of Society Earl Marshal is duty bound to maintain the safety of all members of the Society. It is my belief that the Board is doing its best to also hold true to these ideals. It is imperative that any violations of the rules and laws this office governs be dealt with swiftly and ruthlessly, and I feel we have done that in these recent cases.”

The conjunction of the personal statement with the leaked draft statement seemed suggestive to the newsroom, but no official connection could be found. The SCAllion attempted to reach the recently sanctioned Pennsic lifeguard for comment, but was promptly hung up on when asked about the sanctions.

Caid · Defense · Peerage · Rapier Combat

New requirements put in place for Masters of Defense: At least three square yards of lace per garment

BARONY OF CALAFIA, CAID – The SCAllion has received word from an anonymous tip that new requirements are being put in place for all Masters of Defense going forward: At least three square yards of lace per garment, no exceptions. Our information source stated that someone said, quote: “Hey, we’re just codifying what all these fops are already doing, at least for the most part. Are we asking too much? No, we don’t think so. We think we’re making it easier for our MoDs to look the part, as it were.”

Master Hildegarde von der Copenhagenstrasse replied to the new requirements: “Three yards? Pssht, child’s play. If anyone for one second thinks I would dare go out in public without at least that much lace, then they just don’t know me.”

Other Masters of Defense we contacted didn’t want to be quoted on the record, but the overwhelming response can be summed up as “Why are they being so restrictive?” The SCAllion looks forward with anticipation to how this new requirement will not affect anything about the presence or perception of the Order of Defense in the future.


Trekkies invade Caid 12th Night festivities; three security ensigns still unaccounted for

BARONY OF NORDWACHE, CAID – Four nights ago, the Caidan Kingdom 12th Night hosted by the Barony of Nordwache was brought to a standstill as a small “Away Party” burst into the medieval-themed event.  “It was all really confusing,” said sitting Baron Phélix Panthon. “First they threw a bunch of silver glitter into the room, and then when we were all blinded for a moment, they jumped through the doors! I mean, it was kind of a cool effect; it did look like they materialized out of thin air!” 

The Queen’s Guard of Caid was just as quick to defend the royals, and in the confusion, three redshirt-wearing members of the landing crew were lost.

“We’re not sure what actually happened to them,” Acting Commander Scott Fairchild of the USS Burbank commented. “We haven’t found any bodies, and Chris, Kyle, and Lilith aren’t returning my texts.”

When we reached out for comment, the local Starfleet fan club president responded, “At this time we’re calling it a Pattern Buffer Accident.”

Caid · Peerage · Potrero · West

United States Marine sick of explaining who they are and why they aren’t a peer yet

STRONGHOLD OF WARRIOR’S GATE, PALATINE BARONY OF THE FAR WEST, THE WEST – After their fifth Permanent Change of Station in seven years, a US Marine Staff Sergeant who has asked to remain anonymous lamented to The SCAllion that they think that “the three AoAs I have from three different kingdoms is nice and all, but it’s like we don’t even matter to the Society.”

When questioned, the current secretary of the West Kingdom’s Order of the Pelican, Master Ian of Colchester, shrugged, “I’ve never even heard of the guy.”

The United States Marine has entries on four kingdom Orders of Precedence, each one incomplete.

The former Baron of Calafia, Caid, had this to say about the gentle, “It was extraordinary what they did when they took down the bear single handedly at Potrero War while they were stationed at Camp Pendleton, but we think they just need a few more years to really come into their own.”

Board of Directors · Caid

BoD names Animatronic Replica of Chester A. Arthur to Seat D

BARONY OF GYLDENHOLDT, CAID – In a message posted to the Society website, the Board of Directors announced the election of Sir Arthur Chester to Seat D of the Board of Directors.  

Mundanely, Sir Arthur Chester is an animatronic replica of Chester A. Arthur, who mainly reacts to the speaking animatronics in the educational portion of a popular theme park.

“So that’s where it went,” exclaimed Lord Finnegan mac Finnegan, Disneyland Cast Member and resident of the Barony of Gyldenholdt.  “We went into the Hall of Presidents one day and noticed it was missing, but …it’s Chester A. Arthur, you know?  It could have been gone for a while.”

The animatronic replica will take its seat on the BoD at the conclusion of the July 2023 meeting.

This will be the animatronic’s fourth term as Board Member.