Category: Chivalry

Armored Combat · Chivalry · Peerage

Atlantian Order of the Chivalry claim severe allergy to elevating women to their peerage

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CANTON OF CHARLESBURY CROSSING, ATLANTIA — The Kingdom of Atlantia has recently been rocked by scandal as a female squire is threatening a lawsuit in order to join the Order of the Chivalry.

Barone Johanna Ffeyrmayden, currently squired to Sir Thebald Valret, is preparing to file a request for reasonable accommodation to the Order of the Chivalry, based on comments made during her candidate discussion and shared with her by her Knight.

Knights during that meeting claimed to be “severely allergic” to the idea of a female knight, citing hives, congestion, headaches, coughs, and sore throats at the idea, and expressing concern at the possibility of stronger symptoms if a female candidate is elevated. A spokesman for the Order dismissed these comments as “boys being boys,” and “locker room talk.”

Barone Johanna’s complaint, which she says will be submitted to the Kingdom Seneschal within the week, states that the only feedback she has received is based on this claim of an allergic reaction, and that she meets every bar for inclusion otherwise. She also noted asking for reasonable accommodation in the form of the affected Knights taking over-the-counter allergy medication before seeing or interacting with a “Lady Knight”.

Attached to Johanna Ffeyrmayden’s complaint is an affidavit from her allergist, asserting that an allergy to female knights does not have a medical basis, and “sounds like a made-up condition.” 

A concurrent petition is circulating among the populace for unrelated reasons, citing an overall desire to see some members of the Chivalry be more heavily medicated.

An Tir · Board of Directors · Chivalry · King · Peerage · Sanctions

Would-be squire hospitalized after King attempts Solomonic solution to dispute between knights

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BARONY OF ADIANTUM, AN TIR — Kingdom and branch seneschals are left scrambling to undertake no end of damage control today, after a dispute between two members of the Order of the Chivalry culminated in a gruesome incident during the closing court for the Egil Skallgrimson Memorial Prize Tourney, or “Egil’s”.

At the center of the dispute is local fighter, Jǫrundr Narfason, an up-and-comer in the An Tir tournament circuit. Since he began fighting last year, Narfason has been noted to have developed informal coaching relationships with both Sir William Molyneux of Hastings and Jarlskona Guðríðr Fritjofsdottir. It has been widely assumed that Narfason would be taken as a squire by either one or the other before the end of the year.

As predicted, Sir William requested and was granted time during the closing court to announce his intention to take Narfason as his squire. Before the knight had finished his declaration, he was interrupted by Jarlskona Guðríðr, who angrily declared her intention to do the same. Onlookers reported that Narfason appeared “green around the gills” at this point. Their majesties did their best to smooth the dispute over with schtick, but the two knights were having none of it, calling for their swords and drowning out the protests of the Kingdom Earl Marshal.

Finally, His Majesty was struck by what can only be referred to as Not His Best Idea. An infrequent church-goer who is known among his fellow brethren for not having an attention span long enough to hear the point of the biblical parables, the king suggested that they look to the wisdom of Solomon in deciding who would take Narfason as squire. King Solomon, famed for his wisdom, once settled a dispute over a baby between two women, both of whom claimed to be the baby’s mother. Solomon responded by suggesting that they split the baby right down the middle and each woman could have half of the child. Not being familiar with the end of the story (in which the solution proved unnecessary) and the potential ramifications for Narfason, both Sir William and Jarlskona Guðríðr agreed to this solution. Jǫrundr Narfason, was not consulted and subsequently had to be restrained by his potential squire brothers from both knights.

When His Majesty, known for being a vocal proponent of following through immediately and the “Deeds, not Words” philosophy, demanded the Sword of State. As the Kingdom Seneschal brought him up to speed on the consequences of the proposal, His Majesty was seen to also go “green around the gills.” However, keeping true to his philosophy by proving his resolve through deed, the King made an unsuccessful attempt to follow through. Jǫrundr Narfason’s managed to evade the attempt, leaving everyone else relieved at the lack of necessary paperwork. 

After the close of that disastrous court, it is reported that Sir William and Jarlskona Guðríðr decided to let bygones be bygones by going out for lunch together after leaving the site. Witnesses say that when the bill arrived, Sir William suggested they go halvsies, to which Jarlskona Guðríðr replied: “Too soon, dude.”

Friends report that Jǫrundr Narfason is on the mend and is expected to make a full, albeit slow, recovery. His doctors have declined to comment on his current condition or his ability to pass along the noble name of Narfason.

His Majesty has been suspended, pending investigations by both the local authorities and the Board of Directors, while Her Majesty has graciously agreed to finish out the remainder of their royal commitments single handedly.

Rumour has it that there is a growing vocal contingent advocating for the Solomonic solution to replace the buffet – a move that has surprised absolutely no one.

Arts and Sciences · Chivalry · Defense · East · Laurel · Pelican · Queen · Rose · Royal Peer

East Kingdom princesses announce that there will be no polling order awards during their reign

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BARONY OF I’ÎLE DU DRAGON DORMANT, TIR MARA, EAST – Heirs of the East, Princesses Melodie and Jade, have announced that the only awards for their reign will be non-polling only. The announcement comes after the Heirs’ revealed that the first 4 months of polling discussions broke both their email boxes and their sanity. When reached for comment by The SCAllion, Princess Melodie, KSCA stated that “No seated royal should have to deal with this level of absolute chaos during their reign.” 

“There are plenty of ways to recognize good people and their service without having to deal with committee discussions for any award we want to give out. I have to deal with business by committee enough in the real world, this is just too much.” said Princess Jade, OL, OP, OD.

The announcement caused a firestorm on each of the East’s twelve polling order email lists. (No satire here, the East has twelve polling orders.) The lists stopped processing emails entirely after four hours. The SCAllion reached out to the East Kingdom Webministry, who provide the space for the mailing lists. When our call was answered we could only hear eldritch screams and distant fire alarms. 

The East Kingdom’s College of Scribes are celebrating the move as they will finally catch six months of breathing room to explore other arts, as they anticipate only half the number of scrolls as usual for a reign. When The SCAllion noted that the Order of the Rose is a polling order in the East, Her Highness Jade stated “If Our heirs want to poll me for the Rose, fine. I’m a triple peer in my own right and in my mind, this decision should make me a shoo-in for the Rose anyway.”

Armored Combat · Chivalry · Community Standards · Crown Tournament · King · Midrealm · Peerage

Midrealm Crown Tournament Decided by Increasingly Harder Cup Shots after Finalists Fight to a “Draw”

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BARONY OF STERNFELD, THE MIDDLE –  Shocked and horrified onlookers were forced to witness a spectacle never before seen in a Crown Tournament final this past weekend: Both competitors fought to what they decided was a “Draw” and mutually agreed to decide the outcome by increasingly harder cup shots, with only one left standing at the end, though likely irreparably damaged.

The finals, to be decided between Duke Fritz von Schmetterlingstrosse and newcomer and baby knight Sir Malcom Blakehalloc, were fought to an ugly draw when neither combatant could hit the other with a shot hard enough for the other to accept, with each claiming the other “just wasn’t getting there”. After a brief pause in the action, the two met alone at the center of the list and, after a short discussion, they threw down their shields and announced their intent to the marshals and populace. When the marshals approached the Crown, King Steffan Panzerschreck declared “I’ll allow it,” and the grim spectacle went on.

Each competitor hit the other firmly in the cup with increasingly more powerful shots, and more than a dozen spectators either passed out, vomited, or both, during the match. Local EMS was called, not for the finalists, but for the populace forced to witness the terrifying display. When asked for comment, the general consensus among the populace was something along the lines of “I mean, we really don’t want either of them reproducing, but this might be a little extreme, even for the Chiv.”

No word yet if the variance in the determination of the winner was allowed per the community standards.

Armored Combat · Arts and Sciences · Atlantia · Board of Directors · Chivalry · Crown Tournament · Laurel · Queen

Laurel enters, wins Crown List wielding shield and extensive documentation

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BARONY OF HIGHLAND FOORDE, ATLANTIA – In a moment that stunned the Knowne World, a Laurel has entered and won Crown List in Atlantia with the weapons form of a center-grip shield and three-ring binder of poetry documentation.

Her Highness Isolde, OL, presented herself at the field prior to Crown list and was told that she could both enter and use her documentation as a weapon by the Kingdom Earl Marshal, a giraffe with a 12th century Welsh persona. She then proceeded to wield that documentation flawlessly, coasting undefeated to the finals, where she bested Sir Ourri d’Atainville to become the new heir to Atlantia.

“I don’t even know what happened,” Sir Ourri told us. “How do you just show up one day for your first fight ever, and be allowed on the field with a weapon that looks like a phone book. It’s not in any rules I know.”

One bystander was more excited. “She entered and just cleaned up,” we were told. “Every time ‘lay on’ was called, Her Highness walked up to her opponent and just started beating them over the head with her documentation until they called it. It was beautiful.”

Sir Ourri plans to contest the results based on the nonstandard weapon and unusual authorization, but The SCAllion (and Mistress Isolde) can find no violation of the rules and policy interpretations recently laid down by the Board of Directors and Society Earl Marshal.

Mistress Isolde said of her victory:

Shall I lambast thee on a summer day?
With just a binder full of notes and songs?
Woulds’t thou prefer a troubadorish lay
For me to give thee all of thy kabongs?

Sometimes too hot the poet’s eye doth shine
As scorn it heaps upon its fearsome foe
So call your shots, man up, and do not whine
And by a poet’s rhymings be laid low.

My blows shall rain upon thy helm like rain
For nothing is so like itself as rain.
And now you find yourself in dreadful pain
Since rain,rain, rain, rain, rain is this quatrain.

So long as one can breathe or eyes can see
Fall down, you’re dead, at least please take a knee.

The SCAllion shall continue to track Princess Isolde’s upcoming reign with great interest.

Armored Combat · Board of Directors · Chivalry · Community Standards · Royal Peer · Sanctions · Viscounty

Count facing R&D wants to turn Board’s evidence in Viscounty mill scandal

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BARONY OF BODLINGTONE, KINGDOM OF BODLANDIA – Count Rupert the Weasel, currently facing a revocation and denial of membership for his role in the “Viscounty mill” scandal, has approached the Board seeking a plea deal. 

The “Viscounty mill” was a pay-for-peerage scheme run by the Count when he was King of a kingdom whose name is not being released by the Board since the investigation is still ongoing.  The scheme hinged on the fact that the length of a principality reign is not defined in Corpora. King Rupert used this fact to alter the length of the reign to thirty minutes and restricted each Coronet tournament to two entrants. This enabled him and his co-conspirators to conduct 33 principality reigns over the course of a weekend event and invest 40 new viscountesses and 26 new viscounts.

Rupert has offered to grass up the names of the officers who helped him design the scheme, as well as the names of the Crowns of six other kingdoms who expressed interest in the idea. He has also volunteered to forfeit the profits from the scheme to the kingdom travel fund. In exchange he would like to retain his membership in the Order of Chivalry, while being stripped of all other honors.

The Board has already received a petition seeking clemency for the Count which was signed by 40 viscountesses and 26 viscounts. No word has been provided to The SCAllion yet if the 66 individuals are considered to be acting within Community Standards.

Chivalry · Defense · East · King · Laurel · Peerage · Pelican · Queen · Rose · Royal Peer

East Kingdom peerages agree on standard fealty oath

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BARONY OF SETTMOUR SWAMP, THE EAST — In a move which has been met with surprise and astonishment, the combined peerage orders of the Kingdom of the East have unanimously approved a standard fealty oath for use by all peers throughout the kingdom who wish to swear fealty.

 According to sources in-Kingdom, King Báetán mac Fergaile and Queen Coblaith ingen Fechtnaig asked their peerage orders to create a standardised oath in the aftermath of the specialised, incredibly lengthy,  fully-documented period oath given to them this weekend by Magistra Ahelissa de Glack.  Now known widely as The Oath of Two Score Terms And Twelve, it was 20 minutes long and kept Their Majesties from badly-needed bathroom breaks.

The official form of the new standard oath is recorded in several languages, to enable some flexibility for peers of different cultural personae.

For example, the Latin form of the oath is thus:

Non te dedam
Non te deficiam
Non vagabor et deseram te
Non te lacrimabit
Non dicam vale
Non mendiar et laedam te

For those peers with Jewish personae, the Hebrew form of the oath reads:

לעולם לא אוותר עלייך
לעולם לא אאכזב אותך
לעולם לא אתרוצץ סביב ואעזוב אותך
לעולם לא אגרום לך לבכות
לעולם לא אומר להתראות
לעולם לא אספר שקר ואפגע בך

Peers from the Arabic-speaking regions may enjoy this version:

لن أتخلى عن الأمل فيك
لن أخذلك
لن أركض وأتركك
لن أجعلك تبكي
لن أقول وداعا
لن أقول لك كذبة وأجرحك

The Middle English form of the oath is as follows:

Ich schall relinquishe þe nevere
Ich schall faile þe nevere
Ich schall rave awei nevere, nor leve þe
Ich schall encausen þe wepest nevere
Ich schall sprece ileve niminge nevere
Ich schall sprece gabbe nevere nor bane þe

Translations in other languages are available from Baroness Theodhild, Brigantia Herald.

Asked to explain the words chosen, Lærifaðir Gunni Stillingr, a member of the Order of Laurel who assisted with the translations explained, “It’s not that strange a move, it’s important that everyone involved knows what the rules are.   Fealty is about making a full commitment.”

Despite the unanimous vote, some peers are not entirely on board with the new standard wording.  “This is against all the traditions of the East,” complained Baron Estienne Flambard, a long-time Pelican. “But their Majesties know the game, they’re going to play it, and we have to go along. If you ask me how I’m feeling about this whole situation, well, my heart’s been aching since it was announced.”

Master Ricardus de Asteleghe, a Bardic Laurel, was more enthusiastic.  “We’ve known this move was coming for so long,” he gushed.   “I love it, and I’m not too shy to say it.  I never want to give this up.”

Sources close to Theodhild Brigantia report that she spent the day after the announcement staring into the middle distance with a bottle of wine, muttering, “So it’s come to this.”

Atlantia · Chivalry · Exchequer · Real Life

Knight with “Deeds not Words” tattoo mad at satire news

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BARONY OF MARINUS, ATLANTIA – In a move that surprised no one, Sir Seamus the Silent has declared in a public Facebook post that he dislikes The SCAllion.  “All they do is put words on a web page, criticizing the true leaders of the SCA without signing their name to anything. If they are going to criticize the Chivalry, I will meet them on the field and we can talk about it with our swords. I’m sure we can find someone to authorize them if they’re not.” Sir Seamus’ Facebook profile is listed under his society name. While this has prevented the majority of his friends list from losing his society name in favor of his modern name in recent years, this has meant that several people have assumed that his modern name is Seamus rather than Frank. 

“If they want to change the SCA they should show up on the list field and get good enough to win Crown,” continued the post. “Making Kingdom Laws by right of arms is how things get done around here.” The SCAllion has verified that Sir Seamus has appeared in the final four of Crown Tournament twice and in Courts of Chivalry three times.

Sir Seamus has “Deeds Not Words” as his description on his Facebook profile. The SCAllion has also learned he has “Deeds Not Words” tattooed on the outside of his sword arm as it is prominently placed in his user icon, blocking his face.

Local Exchequer and self-identified SCAllion superfan Lord Halvkey Vetinari observed carefully, “Seamus is extremely fond of quoting that particular phrase. He brings it up in barony meetings when we start talking through the budget, mostly as a way of getting us to stop talking, I think.”

Other tactics used by Sir Seamus to disrupt otherwise productive meetings include frequent and incorrect references to Friedrich Nietzsche, detailed retellings of former glory as a martial artist in high school, and insisting the chronicler publish his household’s private Spear-The-Beer scores on a weekly basis. 

However, The SCAllion respects his right to privacy, and will not be trying to expose his true identity.

Armored Combat · Chivalry · Gulf Wars · History

The Deed Disappoints, Confuses Crowd

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SHIRE OF DRAGOUN’S WEAL, GLEANN ABHANN, GULF WARS – Dozens of men and couples were seen leaving the battlefield Friday night carrying baskets of tissues and various lotions. “You’re damn right I’m upset,” explained Kazuya Tanaka, who wished to remain anonymous. “I came to see people doing the deed and all I got were a bunch of dudes in the least-revealing armor I’ve ever seen! You couldn’t even see most of their faces!” 

One woman, who identified herself only as Jill, and her partner, Marcus Cobham, seemed more disappointed than upset. “I saw the event listed in the porta-potty and it seemed like maybe a fun way to start a Friday night,” Jill said. “But now he,” she stated, pointing to Marcus, who was busy browsing the Armour Archive on his phone, “won’t shut up about how nice one guy’s legs were.” 

The Deed of Arms, or simply “the Deed,” is an invitation-only combat featuring combatants sporting the finest of historical fourteenth century armors. They engage in combats simulating sport melees of the day and attempt to hold each other for ransom, which all participants are obligated to have on hand. 

“I’m not sure what the fuss is about,” said Sir Gui d’Orleans, captain of the French team. “The turnout was spectacular, more than usual, actually. Though when I got captured, someone yelled something about doing it already? I don’t know,” he finished with a shrug. 

The SCAllion is likewise unsure of what raised the ire of so many onlookers, as the combat appeared to be honorably executed with great displays of chivalry and friendship all around.

Armored Combat · Board of Directors · Chivalry · Knowne World · Rapier Combat

BoD announces change to minimum garb requirements: coincidentally announces new sponsorship from UnderArmor at the same time

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BARONY OF BODLINGTONE, BODLANDIA – At their recent conference call, the Society’s Directors announced changes to the minimum garb requirements for the entire Knowne World.

At that same meeting, they announced a new Society sponsorship with UnderArmor.

Board member Duchess Fatima bint Kadhija elaborated on the announcements: “The new garb requirements are simple: at least one piece of visible garb will now be required to be something from the UnderArmor company. This can be a headband, wristband, shirt, tights, socks, hats, gloves, whatever. But it should boldly display the UnderArmor brand logo to be visible to anyone looking, and not obscured by any other covering.”

Her Grace went on: “We know full well that the consecutive announcements in the same meeting of new garb requirements and the new corporate sponsorship of the Society may seem connected, but we can absolutely assure the populace Society-wide that these are purely and entirely coincidental, and have nothing to do with one another. Announcing new requirements so closely on the heels of such a lucrative sponsorship would be foolishness, and everyone knows that we, the Board, aren’t that foolish.”  

The SCAllion was able to get multiple reactions from the general populace, ranging from outrage to disbelief. The one community which seemed to have no issue with the new requirements was the fighting community, who, as a whole, reacted with a “What’s the issue?” type of response.