Category: Defense

Arts and Sciences · Chivalry · Defense · East · Laurel · Pelican · Queen · Rose · Royal Peer

East Kingdom princesses announce that there will be no polling order awards during their reign

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BARONY OF I’ÎLE DU DRAGON DORMANT, TIR MARA, EAST – Heirs of the East, Princesses Melodie and Jade, have announced that the only awards for their reign will be non-polling only. The announcement comes after the Heirs’ revealed that the first 4 months of polling discussions broke both their email boxes and their sanity. When reached for comment by The SCAllion, Princess Melodie, KSCA stated that “No seated royal should have to deal with this level of absolute chaos during their reign.” 

“There are plenty of ways to recognize good people and their service without having to deal with committee discussions for any award we want to give out. I have to deal with business by committee enough in the real world, this is just too much.” said Princess Jade, OL, OP, OD.

The announcement caused a firestorm on each of the East’s twelve polling order email lists. (No satire here, the East has twelve polling orders.) The lists stopped processing emails entirely after four hours. The SCAllion reached out to the East Kingdom Webministry, who provide the space for the mailing lists. When our call was answered we could only hear eldritch screams and distant fire alarms. 

The East Kingdom’s College of Scribes are celebrating the move as they will finally catch six months of breathing room to explore other arts, as they anticipate only half the number of scrolls as usual for a reign. When The SCAllion noted that the Order of the Rose is a polling order in the East, Her Highness Jade stated “If Our heirs want to poll me for the Rose, fine. I’m a triple peer in my own right and in my mind, this decision should make me a shoo-in for the Rose anyway.”

Chivalry · Defense · East · King · Laurel · Peerage · Pelican · Queen · Rose · Royal Peer

East Kingdom peerages agree on standard fealty oath

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BARONY OF SETTMOUR SWAMP, THE EAST — In a move which has been met with surprise and astonishment, the combined peerage orders of the Kingdom of the East have unanimously approved a standard fealty oath for use by all peers throughout the kingdom who wish to swear fealty.

 According to sources in-Kingdom, King Báetán mac Fergaile and Queen Coblaith ingen Fechtnaig asked their peerage orders to create a standardised oath in the aftermath of the specialised, incredibly lengthy,  fully-documented period oath given to them this weekend by Magistra Ahelissa de Glack.  Now known widely as The Oath of Two Score Terms And Twelve, it was 20 minutes long and kept Their Majesties from badly-needed bathroom breaks.

The official form of the new standard oath is recorded in several languages, to enable some flexibility for peers of different cultural personae.

For example, the Latin form of the oath is thus:

Non te dedam
Non te deficiam
Non vagabor et deseram te
Non te lacrimabit
Non dicam vale
Non mendiar et laedam te

For those peers with Jewish personae, the Hebrew form of the oath reads:

לעולם לא אוותר עלייך
לעולם לא אאכזב אותך
לעולם לא אתרוצץ סביב ואעזוב אותך
לעולם לא אגרום לך לבכות
לעולם לא אומר להתראות
לעולם לא אספר שקר ואפגע בך

Peers from the Arabic-speaking regions may enjoy this version:

لن أتخلى عن الأمل فيك
لن أخذلك
لن أركض وأتركك
لن أجعلك تبكي
لن أقول وداعا
لن أقول لك كذبة وأجرحك

The Middle English form of the oath is as follows:

Ich schall relinquishe þe nevere
Ich schall faile þe nevere
Ich schall rave awei nevere, nor leve þe
Ich schall encausen þe wepest nevere
Ich schall sprece ileve niminge nevere
Ich schall sprece gabbe nevere nor bane þe

Translations in other languages are available from Baroness Theodhild, Brigantia Herald.

Asked to explain the words chosen, Lærifaðir Gunni Stillingr, a member of the Order of Laurel who assisted with the translations explained, “It’s not that strange a move, it’s important that everyone involved knows what the rules are.   Fealty is about making a full commitment.”

Despite the unanimous vote, some peers are not entirely on board with the new standard wording.  “This is against all the traditions of the East,” complained Baron Estienne Flambard, a long-time Pelican. “But their Majesties know the game, they’re going to play it, and we have to go along. If you ask me how I’m feeling about this whole situation, well, my heart’s been aching since it was announced.”

Master Ricardus de Asteleghe, a Bardic Laurel, was more enthusiastic.  “We’ve known this move was coming for so long,” he gushed.   “I love it, and I’m not too shy to say it.  I never want to give this up.”

Sources close to Theodhild Brigantia report that she spent the day after the announcement staring into the middle distance with a bottle of wine, muttering, “So it’s come to this.”

Ansteorra · Defense · King · Rapier Combat

Kingdom of Ansteorra to decide next Rapier Champion with hot chilies eating contest

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STRONGHOLD OF HELLSGATE, ANSTEORRA – The SCAllion was lucky to land the exclusive news that the kingdom of Ansteorra has made the momentous decision to choose their next Rapier Champion with a hot chilies eating contest.

Crown Prince Sir Archebold fitz John, known modernly as a locally famous restaurateur, came up with the idea which he then floated to the Crown and Kingdom Seneschal. Upon receiving the go ahead, he commented: “This is going to be a groundbreaking event for our great kingdom. We have so many incredible fighters, any of whom could win a traditional Rapier Championship, but how many of them can stand the capsicum? Well, we’re going to find out. This Rapier Tournament, sponsored by Crazy Archie’s Barbecue and Taco Emporium, will truly decide who in our kingdom can stand the heat! We’re also in talks with First We Feast’s Sean Evans for the eventual victor to appear on a future episode of Hot Ones.”

Rapier fighters were skeptical of His Highness’ idea, with some storming out of a recent Masters of Defense meeting in protest. Master Odalric Chastelose was quoted as saying: “Rapier Champs is sacred! It’s supposed to be decided by who is the best fighter, who can take the most pain! No, not like that…”

At last report, the Ansteorran Rapier Champs Tournament was in its 38th round with five competitors still standing. The empty crates of Carolina Reapers and Scorpion peppers are starting to clog the hallway, and there appears to be no end in sight. The SCAllion will remain on site until the bitter end to report on the results of this latest Rapier Champs Tournament.

Armored Combat · Calontir · Chivalry · Defense · Peerage · Rapier Combat

Knight returning to SCA after 30-year absence can’t understand how fencers are now considered people

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SHIRE-MARCH OF GRIMFELLS, CALONTIR – A knight who left the SCA for personal reasons returned recently after a 30-year absence. Upon his return he was baffled and offended to discover that rapier fighters were now considered equals among many, and had even achieved a Peerage of their own.

Sir Eomir Silverwolf of the Seven Glens recently returned to the SCA and, upon attending his first event back, was shocked to see that fencing was not only allowed at the same event as heavy fighting, but that it was actually featured. “When did we start treating the wire weenies like people?” he cried, clearly distraught at what he was witnessing. “Who do these people think they are? Back in my day, they knew their place. How did this happen? Don’t they know how real fighters behave?”

When Sir Silverwolf discovered that the Order of Defense had been created, and saw Maestra Illiana Rosecroft in her Order regalia, he appeared to go into some sort of convulsions, while at the same time rending his garments and tearing at his hair. Some witnesses claimed to see froth coming from his mouth, but this was unconfirmed at the time of publication.

Caid · Defense · Peerage · Rapier Combat

New requirements put in place for Masters of Defense: At least three square yards of lace per garment

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BARONY OF CALAFIA, CAID – The SCAllion has received word from an anonymous tip that new requirements are being put in place for all Masters of Defense going forward: At least three square yards of lace per garment, no exceptions. Our information source stated that someone said, quote: “Hey, we’re just codifying what all these fops are already doing, at least for the most part. Are we asking too much? No, we don’t think so. We think we’re making it easier for our MoDs to look the part, as it were.”

Master Hildegarde von der Copenhagenstrasse replied to the new requirements: “Three yards? Pssht, child’s play. If anyone for one second thinks I would dare go out in public without at least that much lace, then they just don’t know me.”

Other Masters of Defense we contacted didn’t want to be quoted on the record, but the overwhelming response can be summed up as “Why are they being so restrictive?” The SCAllion looks forward with anticipation to how this new requirement will not affect anything about the presence or perception of the Order of Defense in the future.

Board of Directors · Chivalry · Defense · Laurel · Peerage · Pelican · Queen · Rose · Royal Peer

New PLQ Announced: being a dick to everyone

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BARONY OF DARKWOOD, THE WEST – In light of recent changes in standards of behavior observed in the collected peerages of the Known World, the Board of Directors has authorized a change to Corpora to state “Corpora Section VIII.A.1, under ‘General Requirements’ to hold a Patent of Arms to replace ‘They shall have set an example of courteous and noble behavior suitable to a peer of the realm,’ with ‘c. They shall have set an example of behavior suitable to a peer of the realm.  Including being a complete and utter dick towards anyone whom they see fit.’”

Duquesa Costança Beatriz Mercado de Castille y Puerto, acting Board spokesperson, hopes that this change in requirements “will enable our Peers to be more effective and live up to the standards outlined in Corpora.”  She continued with “and we hope that not only do these updated standards assist with the selection of additional peers that will no doubt bring the Society’s very real work into the modern Middle Ages.”

“At least they’re changing Corpora to better reflect the reality of the Chivalry,” said one Laurel, who spoke to The SCAllion on condition of anonymity. “But it’s just simply not the way a true Laurel behaves!”  Master Thomas de Kyngesford, OD, OL, OP, upon overhearing this comment, promptly expired from laughter. 

Ansteorra · Defense · Rapier Combat

Unfashionable Ansteorran fencer asked to leave practice, improve garb

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BARONY OF BJORNSBORG, ANSTEORRA – Last month, Sweyn Ravensfriend, left his local baronial fencing practice outraged and hurt. Unimpressed by his attire of a simple Norse tunic and gray pajama bottoms, the other combatants asked him to leave and consider using his time to improve his appearance.

“I couldn’t believe it! I went to a few heavy fighter practices before I decided it wasn’t really for me, but no one said anything about my clothes down there.” He continued, fighting back tears, “then I went to try fencing and my second time trying it, they asked me to leave?! I mean, screw those guys!”

Master of Defense Gustavo San Pedro runs the weekly meet-up. “Both inside and outside of the list field, we represent the entire rapier community and the Queen. It is important that we all look our very best at all times. We have a hard enough time as it is being taken seriously, so it is crucial that fencers dress to impress.” He paused for a moment to remove his wide brimmed hat with no less than a dozen large ostrich plumes. “I understand that he’s upset, but each and every one of us had to learn this lesson too. And now look, we finally have our own peerage, and we are, hands down, the best looking part of the SCA!”

Another fencer we spoke with, going only by Xavier, expressed his sympathies. “Yeah, it sucks. I get it, man. But if they didn’t push me to look good, I’d still be wearing a 20 year old loaner tunic.” He smiled brightly, showing off his green velvet Tudor-era doublet. “Win or lose, when you look good, you feel good, right? And what better way to honor Her Majesty than to dress our absolute best?”

Speaking with Sweyn from his home, he continued. “I was mad, yeah. But I’m starting to get it, I think. Even if I do kind of think they look like silly dancers all swishy-poking at each other. But dressed that sharp, you kinda feel like maybe that dude could kill me, ya know?” The unmistakable chugging of a sewing machine could be heard in the background. “So, I guess maybe they have a point after all.”

Arts and Sciences · Chivalry · Defense · Laurel · Meridies · Pelican

Dolly Parton is granted admittance into all four bestowed peerages

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BARONY OF GLAEDENFELD, MERIDIES – In an SCA first, a non-SCAdian is voted into all four bestowed peerages simultaneously. Dolly Parton was named to the Orders of Laurel, Pelican, Defense, and Chivalry today in a joint voting and elevation ceremony in the kingdom of Meridies. “While none of us have ever fought her,” stated Duke Waggoner do Porto, “We once saw a video of her flat-snap Kenny Rogers with a mic stand. And that’s good enough for us.”

The other bestowed peerages also spoke highly of the multiple Grammy Award-winning, Country Music Hall of Fame and Kennedy Center honoree. “I have filked to Jolene so many times!” Laurel and Meridies bardic champion Sibil del Grange shrieked as a rhinestone-bedazzled effigy of the absent singer was led into court.

When asked for comment Parton’s publicist told the reporter “The SCA is in direct violation of the 2002 restraining order, and if it doesn’t desist we will be forced to take greater steps to further ensure my client’s safety and privacy.”

We here at The SCAllion assume the star is simply beyond words for this great honor.

Board of Directors · Defense · Rapier Combat

Society Marshal to discontinue light armored fencing experiment in favor of nude fencing program

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SHIRE OF SOUTHKEEP, TRIMARIS –  As the SCA has grown and changed through the years, so too have the needs of its members.  Over the last year or so, the Society Marshal has enabled and encouraged a light armor experiment in rapier fighting which has been well received by much of the steel fighting community.

Today, The SCAllion can reveal that last week’s abrupt suspension of the light armor experiment was due to a pressure campaign waged by certain members of the rapier community who desired to replace light armor with no armor at all.

“We think that the Celts, Picts and other tribes who fought nude are an unexplored aspect of history that would really push the SCA in a new and freeing direction” was the view of a group of unnamed and unclothed rapier fighters at a beach in Trimaris.

This new nude experiment is reported to be the future of steel fighting in the SCA as all current Masters of Defense are in favor, given the steel fighting community’s generally attractive nature and commitment to clean diet and frequent, healthy exercise.

This new direction will require new rules and, of course, safety will be paramount. As a result, all steel weapons must be replaced with silicone rubber weapons and the minimum diameter will be 1 and 1/4 inches. Length will, as ever, be up to individual fighter’s discretion. New vocabulary will also be introduced: “harder” if a shot is too light, “yes” if the shot calibration is good, and “more” if individuals enjoyed their bout and would like to fight again.

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Society Social Media Officer Tells Satire Website They Aren’t Funny

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