Armored Combat · Chivalry · Gulf Wars · History

The Deed Disappoints, Confuses Crowd

SHIRE OF DRAGOUN’S WEAL, GLEANN ABHANN, GULF WARS – Dozens of men and couples were seen leaving the battlefield Friday night carrying baskets of tissues and various lotions. “You’re damn right I’m upset,” explained Kazuya Tanaka, who wished to remain anonymous. “I came to see people doing the deed and all I got were a bunch of dudes in the least-revealing armor I’ve ever seen! You couldn’t even see most of their faces!” 

One woman, who identified herself only as Jill, and her partner, Marcus Cobham, seemed more disappointed than upset. “I saw the event listed in the porta-potty and it seemed like maybe a fun way to start a Friday night,” Jill said. “But now he,” she stated, pointing to Marcus, who was busy browsing the Armour Archive on his phone, “won’t shut up about how nice one guy’s legs were.” 

The Deed of Arms, or simply “the Deed,” is an invitation-only combat featuring combatants sporting the finest of historical fourteenth century armors. They engage in combats simulating sport melees of the day and attempt to hold each other for ransom, which all participants are obligated to have on hand. 

“I’m not sure what the fuss is about,” said Sir Gui d’Orleans, captain of the French team. “The turnout was spectacular, more than usual, actually. Though when I got captured, someone yelled something about doing it already? I don’t know,” he finished with a shrug. 

The SCAllion is likewise unsure of what raised the ire of so many onlookers, as the combat appeared to be honorably executed with great displays of chivalry and friendship all around.

Aethelmearc · Ale-houses, Taverns, and Pubs · Ansteorra · Flavourchestre · From the Newsroom · Gleann Abhann · Gulf Wars · Knowne World · Lilies War

Sir Guido goes to Gulf Wars and finds FLAVOURCHESTRE!

Hey all, Sir Guido di Orgoglioso here and I just got done with a week with some of the BEST FOOD in the Knowne Worlde! I’m talking pierogies, mutton, pickled catfish, you name it, someone here at Gulf Wars was making it! And I am gonna give you the 411 on all the best!

On Monday, I sat in for grub with a fantabulous Venetian dinner made by that infamous Laurel of AEthelmearc. Not gonna name drop, but honestly, you should know the one. That meal was bangin’! Her fish pies, the spices were just killer! She brings her game and that venison is GOOD! Cannot recommend highly enough, she is the Baroness of Flavourchestre.

Wednesday night was the annual pilgrimage to Ansteorra Chili Night. As usual, that line was long, but the chili was worth the wait. A true Festival of Dynamite. They wisely did not take sides in the Religious Chili Wars, instead opting to have beans on the side so folks could decide whether or not to commit heresy. With a large selection of hot sauces to choose from, folks could make things mild or as funkalicious as they desired. The only complaint would be that (as usual) the sour cream and cheese on the side ran out about 5 minutes into serving. Maybe one day they will have enough to go around!

And finally, the ever popular Knowne World Party last night. It being St. Patty’s Day, there was green EVERYWHERE! Booze, beer, food, several of the party goers. You name it, everywhere you looked, there was green. Personally, I loved the whole vibe. The green margaritas were bangin’. It felt like Mardi Gras decided to visit Ireland in South Mississippi! Always a fantastic time.

The only disappointment was the continued absence of the Green Rice Bowl. Nobody is ever gonna replace them for a quick and easy lunch at war! 

The whole week was fun. It was bananas, and bananas are good. Post period, but good.

Stay tuned for our next report when we hit Lilies. I hear those Calontiri know how to throw a party, I am looking forward to finding out on our next issue of Ale-houses, Taverns, and Pubs!

archery · Armored Combat · Combat Archery · Gulf Wars · King · Knowne World

Telling blows up 14% over 2022, hundreds slain in “War With No Enemies”

SHIRE OF DRAGOUN’S WEAL, GLEANN ABHANN – Data released from Gulf Wars suggests that telling blows are up 14% over last year, with over 8,000 casualties reported in the ongoing “War with no enemies.”

Local officials were quick to note that the traditional Thursday thunderstorms were absent this year, leading to an unusual occurrence where all war points were held.

“The fact of the matter is we usually lose at least one battle to weather,” a Gulf Wars representative said. “We had about 15% more war, so it makes sense that we had about 15% more casualties.”

The SCAllion caught up with Erzog Lefrich on the side of the ravine, taking a moment before resurrecting to add tape to his knee cop. “It sucks, you know,” he said. “But that’s what it means to follow your King on campaign. You gather your gear when he calls, and kiss your family goodbye, knowing you may not see them again,” adding “until dinner.”

Asked if he was scared, Lefrich thought for a moment. “There’s not really time to be scared on the shieldwall,” he said, “There are things that I dread, though. I don’t want to die, no one does. The walk to and from Resurrection Point is kind of a trek. But the worst is going out there and dying from an anonymous crossbow bolt before you ever get to do hero shit.”

Gulf Wars typically has about 7,200 casualties, and accounts for a real-world cost of up to 30,000 days of PTO.

Gleann Abhann · Gulf Wars · Knowne World · Rapier Combat

BREAKING: Gulf Wars Julep Party Raided by ATF

SHIRE OF DRAGOUN’S WEAL, GLEANN ABHANN – In a concerted effort to regulate alcohol consumption amongst reenactors, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives raided the Mint Julep Party on the veranda at Gulf Wars. This led to a standoff between the party-goers and federal agents, with one countess wielding a broken fishbat, and the agents scratching their heads in befuddlement. 

Eyewitnesses to the standoff reported that the federal agents also were not sure why they were being sent to a warzone without more protective equipment.

The annual event is held during the Rapier Ravine Battle and has become the place to see and be seen for nobility throughout the Knowne World. The federal agents were initially mistaken by the combatants on the field as an unsporting flanking maneuver, though no one was clear on which kingdom they would have sided with.

An ATF spokesperson claimed that the agency had been told there was excessive alcohol consumption in conjunction with unregulated firearms, and the raid seemed to have borne this out. When asked for a description of the firearms, the agent at the press conference held up a rubber band gun.

When asked for further comment, Duchess Helene Livingstone, seneschal of Meridies, noted that it was unusual for Gulf Wars to see federal action. However, the events of prior wars, up to and including piracy in and around American waters, made Gulf Wars a prime choice for the Bureau to attempt a crackdown.

Arts and Sciences · Gleann Abhann · Gulf Wars · Laurel · Peerage

Kingdom of Gleann Abhann Bestows Laurel to Camp Cook for Actually Spreading Dysentery in Kingdom Encampment

SHIRE OF DRAGOUN’S WEAL, GLEANN ABHANN – In an extraordinarily rare move, the Crowns of the Kingdom of Gleann Abhann yesterday bestowed a Laurel on the spot to their lowly camp cook, Lord Antoni Bourdelain, for the incredibly period act of spreading dysentery throughout the Kingdom encampment over the course of the week.

The Crowns in question, King Haakon “Sluggo” Haakonsson and Queen Fronika von Bremmensteiner, were two of the early afflicted, but were so impressed with Bourdelain’s dedication to cooking and period disease spread research that they immediately called for a council of available Laurels and polled their hapless cook on the spot. Those who could be torn away from the Port-a-Castles were quick to agree that they too were impressed with Lord Antoni’s persistence.

When asked for comment, now-Master Bourdelain said “Well shucks, I’m just trying to make the best sushi this good ole boy can. Training? Naw, never had none of that, but I sure can noodle me some catfish, and they grow them suckers big down here”. Inspectors from the Lumberton health department and the Mississippi State Department of Health, as well as officials from the USDA, have been on site for the last two days and are still investigating.

Gulf Wars

Gulf War Classifieds

Lost at war- sense of proportion. Please return to northeast corner of Duvant & Queens.

Urgent, missing- Sekrit Ingredients! Must be returned to Ansteorra before 3pm Wed. Chili night depends on it!

Found: faux Elvis. Left in Grey Niche by mistake. If yours, please claim.

Someone stole our mint! If you have spare mint, please bring it by Calontir before the rapier ravine battle.

Whoever hired the band to play outside the green dragon last night to interrupt the performance inside: you knave. I will meet you in front of the castle gate at dawn. Bring your second.

EPC seeks impeccably & appropriately dressed small urchin to pump smith bellows

Lost at war: Direction. If found, please return to the big striped sunshade at the south end of… wait, no, east? Uh, does anyone have a map?

Offered- half a kingdom and the hand of a princess*, in return for guaranteed glorious war weather, no rain, no frost, no disabling heat. Applicants must register at Gleann Abhann royal by 9 am Wed  *Pending consent and agreement of the kingdom seneschal and princess

Ansteorra · archery · Combat Archery · Gulf Wars

Society Earl Marshal orders Society Archery Marshal to ban mistletoe arrows

BARONY OF NAMRON, ANSTEORRA – This morning, an email was sent by the Society Earl Marshal Reginbold Strubel to Deputy Archery Marshal Reynallt Anghall ap Griffith and Deputy Combat Archery Marshal Joveta Cantatrix that going forward, no missile weapons are allowed to use mistletoe in their construction, effective immediately. All combat archery marshals at Gulf Wars would need to ensure that no mistletoe-based arrows or arrows with mistletoe in their construction would be going downfield.

“We have received reports that alligators are highly sensitive to mistletoe, and being an environmentally friendly organization, we want to make sure no alligators are harmed by such weapons,” said the Society Earl Marshal.

When reached for comment, the Society Combat Archery Marshal seemed a bit confused. “We have not allowed any wood for combat arrows in like 15 years, not sure what they are trying to ban. Also, is there a reason we need to not harm alligators? Don’t they eat people?”

When the statement from the Combat Archery Marshal was quoted to the SEM for further comment, he asked who that person was. “I mean, it’s not like I need to know who all these folks doing minor activities are, right?”

Editorial · From the Newsroom · Gulf Wars

Letter from the Editorial Board: Alliums Abound!

Our spies at Gulf Wars have let us know that there’s a new SCA humor publication out there using a name and style and logo very similar to ours. We would like to make it clear that this other publication is not related to or affiliated with us in any way. It is its own thing. If the similar name and style is intended as a homage, we’re very flattered.

But, folks, lifting someone else’s style, name, and logo with the serial numbers barely scratched off is not cool. We fully support any and all satire of the SCA, but we’d much rather you be your own thing.

If the similar name and style are intended as some sort of clever trap to get our staff to out themselves, we are hurt that you think we’re that gullible. Try again.

P.S. Jaws in Legal has to do work now. No one wants that, least of all Jaws, who was enjoying chewing on a nice bit of opposing counsel when this all came up. Please just be cool.

P.P.S. Really, while we’re known for satire, this particular post is actually not.

archery · Atlantia · Board of Directors · Combat Archery · Gulf Wars · Thrown Weapons

Atlantian Marshals Unionize, Demand Safety Rights on Range

BARONY OF BRIGHT HILLS, ATLANTIA – In emergency marshals’ meetings this week, the archery and thrown weapons marshals of Atlantia have voted to form a union and to go on strike if their demands are not met. 

Their primary demand? That the Marshal in Charge is acknowledged as the only authority after God on the range while the activity is in progress. 

“This is very much a safety item,” said Mistress Beatrice ferch Wyn, the new union president. “And what we are demanding is that the rights of the range marshal as the ultimate authority on their range be confirmed by the Kingdom and Society Earls Marshal. This has long been the understanding of our marshallates, but recent decisions by the SEM and BoD have left too many questions in the air.”

This situation was brought about by the recent ruling of the Society Earl Marshal and the SCA Board of Directors to sanction a lifeguard for attempting to enforce Society for Creative Anachronism’s safety rules. One thrown weapons marshal on Facebook was seen to say, “We’re throwing sharp axes, knives, and spears. I don’t care if you are God Themself, if you are being a jerk on my range, I’m kicking you off for the safety of everyone else. Where the hell is my union card? I’m signing up right now.”

Kingdom Archery Marshal William Harrison supported the unionization efforts. “I have tried to get it through the heads above me that the reason we use targets rather than people is because what we use are live weapons. Thrown Weapons is in the same position. One wrong move with rattan is going to hurt, but it’s not going to be deadly. If someone violates the range safety rules, the likelihood of serious injury is extremely high. If my marshals want to go on strike until their right to ensure the safety for all participants is acknowledged, I will stand on that picket line with them.”

The movement seems to have kicked off similar efforts in other kingdoms, but no one else has yet put it to the vote.

Neither the Board of Directors or the office of the Society Earl Marshal had responded to requests for comment by press time. One member of the SEM’s staff, however, had posted to his facebook, “So who cares if there isn’t archery or thrown weapons at Gulf Wars? It’s not like it’s fighting.”

Gleann Abhann · Gulf Wars

Gulf Wars acknowledges aging populace, moves “midnight madness” sale to end at 10 p.m.

SHIRE OF DRAGOUN’S WEAL, GLEANN ABHANN, GULF WARS – In the face of an aging populace, Gulf Wars event stewards have adjusted the hours of the traditional “Midnight Madness” sale to end at 10 p.m. on Wednesday.

“Merchants have been telling us for a couple of years now that their foot traffic really drops off after about 9:30 p.m., even on Wednesday,” said Mistress Sarah Cook, the Gulf Wars Merchant Coordinator. “The consensus was this year that even the merchants would rather have the foot traffic earlier and get to bed at a reasonable hour.”

Duchess Emmeline of Gleann Abhann agreed. “We’re not the party people we once were,” she told us. “My lord and I really prefer our nightly routine of being in bed by about 10:00. I’ll read while he watches part of A Lion in Winter on his phone and we’re asleep by 10:30.”

In related news, The SCAllion expects the Knowne World Party to offer an exclusive, discounted menu from 4:30-6PM for attendees who joined before AS XXXII.