BARONY OF STORVIK, ATLANTIA – CNN reports that Republican Congressman George Santos has been charged by the United States Department of Justice in a federal criminal probe.
The indictment is sealed, so it is unclear whether The SCAllion‘s allegations that Santos falsely claimed various positions in the Society for Creative Anachronism including multiple reigns as King of Lochac are included in the charges. The SCAllion will be monitoring this story carefully.
As a follow-up to the original story, the Lochac College of Heralds responded back to Representative Santos’ claims as a prior king of Lochac. Barunin Carolina Faustina von Cologne, Mouse Volant Herald and representative of the Lochac College of Heralds stated, “While we have intensely researched Mr. Santos’ claims, it seems that while he insists that he is what he says he is, we can’t quite seem to locate him within Canon Lore, nor has he contacted Canon Herald, who maintains our order of precedence. Frankly, he got lost on a Maccas run, so, while we’re off the record, I think he’s just trying to pass a furphy around.”
Until a time where the indictment is unsealed, The SCAllion will continue to assume that lying about being Crown of a Society affiliate is not against community standards.
BARONY OF SOUTH DOWNS, MERIDIES – In a bold move, Baroness Maud of Gloucester, Beacon Principal Herald, has created a new position in the College of Heralds to handle sumptuary law violations: the Sumptuary Marshal. Maud Beacon has selected the title Caliper Herald for the position.
Maud Beacon told The SCAllion, “There are so many sumptuary violations happening. I know for a fact that at least one person wearing an AoA is wearing a circlet over the prescribed ¼ inch limit, and you would not believe the number of people with court baronies wearing coronets that exceed two inches. It is utterly ridiculous, and entirely against the rules. And I, for one, have had enough of Meridies subjects thinking that they can flout sumptuary law with impunity. To this end, I intend to establish the position of Caliper Herald, the Sumptuary Marshal, who will be tasked with ensuring compliance with Meridian sumptuary law among the populace.”
The Sumptuary Marshal and their deputies will be issued with size gauges, similar to rattan marshal gauges, to ensure that regalia falls within appropriate standards. They will be stationed at the entrance to every Court to check the regalia of anyone coming into Court. Maud Beacon explained, “Well, we have to start somewhere. It’s bad enough that people think that they can flout sumptuary law during the day at an event, but standards have to be upheld for court, really. It’s the least they can do.”
When asked whether gentles who moved into Meridies from out of Kingdom would be allowed to continue wearing their out of Kingdom regalia that does not comply with Meridian sumptuary law, Beacon responded with, “Well, of course they can. I’m not an unreasonable woman, you know. But they better be able to point to the out of kingdom OP [Order of Precedence] entry that entitles them to that regalia!”
BARONY OF GYLDENHOLT, CAID — In a shocking turn of events, Lord Giles Wynnfield (modernly known as actor Samuel L. Jackson) has made explicit threats of violence against Wreath King of Arms. These threats followed a bombshell move by the College of Arms when it declared Jackson banned for life from contributing heraldic commentary.
“Lord Wynnfield is passionate about SCA arms and heraldry,” admitted Wreath, “But the way he expresses that passion is completely unacceptable.”
Although Wreath refused to comment further, The SCAllion has learned that Jackson was notorious within the heraldic community for his confrontational choices of wording during discussions of proposed armory.
“I’m a fan of his work outside the SCA, but dude is completely unhinged when it comes to submissions,” said Signore Antonio Bugiardino, who has asked to remain anonymous for reasons of wanting to retain all four limbs, “When I first got interested in heraldry, it took me a while to pick up the lingo. I guess I made a few mistakes while describing some devices, because Lord Wynnfield made a point of responding to my commentary with ‘Blazon, motherf***er, do you speak it?’ Needless to say, it wasn’t the most encouraging thing for a newbie to hear.”
Other anonymous heralds who value their health, such as Daunt Pieret Chatouilleur de Calmar, attest that Jackson had a quick temper and could suddenly become enraged when irritated. One decision meeting was abruptly cut short when Jackson countered a particularly nitpicky argument with “Say ‘charge chow’ again. Say ‘charge chow’ again, I dare you, I double dare you motherf***er, say ‘charge chow’ one more godd*mn time!”
Although intimidating to some, there are members of the heraldic community who say that they will miss Jackson’s inimitable style of colorful heraldic commentary. More than one herald fondly recalls the occasion when Jackson went head-to-head with a notoriously difficult knight who insisted that the College should allow him to incorporate a subtle motif of valknuts into his proposed device. Jackson allegedly responded to pushback from the knight, saying, “Don’t give me attitude, Sir. See, you’re assuming I won’t tell your sorry ass to resubmit and everyone knows, when you make an assumption, you make an ass out of ‘u’ and ‘umption.’”
The incident that prompted the ban took place at the most recent Laurel Roadshow, during a discussion about the representation of marine life in heraldic charges. While discussing a particular submission, Jackson alarmed bystanders when he stood up and yelled, “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERF***ING HAKES ON THIS MOTHERF***ING CROSS OF LORRAINE!”
When asked for comment, Jackson’s public relations representative issued the following statement: “Mr. Jackson recognizes the College has made a decision but given that it’s a stupid-a** decision, he has elected to ignore it.”
The College of Arms has offered to crowdsource a bodyguard for Wreath King of Arms, but Wreath has turned it down, saying, “Last time I trusted someone, I lost an LoI.”
BARONY OF CAER ANTERTH MAWR, NORTHSHIELD – In a move surprising only in how long overdue it was, Their Majesties called out the “bad Peers” at the back of court for talking so loudly that they drowned out the proceedings during Their Majesties’ evening court at Lupercalia last weekend.
“The hall was really loud and we couldn’t hear what was going on,” said Baronne Phillippe Boulanger, who witnessed the events, “and the herald asked the crowd multiple times to please be quiet so people could hear when they were called up.”
The “bad Peers at the back of court,” as they like to be known, are those individuals with (or without) peerages who stand at the back of the hall and use the court period to gossip and chat. It is sometimes presented as an honor to be invited into their club, but the herald was having none of it.
About an hour into court, one award recipient reportedly burst into tears because very few people cheered them at the cue, which they thought was a statement of opinion from the crowd. At this development, the herald seems to have finally snapped, and stalked to the edge of the stage to start berating the gaggle of gossips at the back of the hall at volume and with perfect diction. Magister Odo Seynt Giles, modernly a middle school English and drama teacher, was heard to bellow, “I deal with middle schoolers every day of the week, and if you insist on behaving like spoiled twelve-year-olds, then so help me, I will treat you accordingly!”
The normally cheerful and easy-going herald continued in this vein, expressing his profound disappointment at the appalling lack of peerlike qualities on display and the staggering degree of rudeness being exhibited “by those whom we would expect know better.” While several people in various peerage regalia were observed either slinking out of the room or finding a seat to watch in chastened silence, the majority of the group ignored the herald and blithely continued their conversations unabated.
“They didn’t even notice or stop when Her Majesty instructed the herald to call the offenders into court,” continued Baronne Phillippe,”but you bet they paid attention when the herald summoned them by name to come before the Crown and account for their behavior! And when the Guard headed down the hall to enforce it, some of them looked like they might run, but a lot of them got in line when She had the herald read a two hour banishment from the Presence for those who refused. She only hit the Peers, though.”
At the event, reactions to the herald’s dressing down of the “bad Peers” and Her Majesty’s subsequent actions were mixed, with some people cheering and applauding, and others muttering in anger and resentment.
“I have never been so offended before,” huffed Duke Carbonel Vitalis, one of the chief offenders. “Forced to apologize for perfectly reasonable behavior! Me! I have been king five times, and I have never seen such an outrage! That herald interrupted me in the middle of a really good joke, so I didn’t even get to finish it. When I was king…” At this point, The SCAllion reporter tuned out and went to collect other reactions.
“Banishment is not a tool to cow others into obedience!” complained Sir Robert le Blund, one of those escorted out. “We should be able to have a conversation at the back of court! We were just demonstrating how the tournament had gone and laughing at each other’s jokes! I don’t see why I should have to apologize for that! This is a clear abuse of authority by the Crown.”
Lady Khalilah bint Suliman al Baghdadi, on the other hand, was grateful. “I was having a really hard time hearing what was going on up front because of the people in the back being loud,” she said, “My sister missed the herald calling her name for her AoA! I’ve been waiting for someone to call those people out since I started 5 years ago. I couldn’t do it myself because I knew that I would be ignored and possibly ostracized for daring to speak up. But I loved that the herald just laid into them like that! And then the Queen made them come up and apologize! To the rest of us! In front of everyone! It was amazing.”
Her sister, Lady Cécile d’Anjou, added, “I knew Magister Odo could project, being a herald, but I had no idea he could get that loud! It was pretty impressive.”
Reactions online were also mixed, but those who were at the event mostly came down in favor, while those who had not attended called it an overreaction and a witch hunt.
The SCAllion notes that the banishment lasted all of two hours, so that the people involved were still able to sit to feast afterwards.
SHIRE OF TALMERE, MERIDIES – In a shocking development during a routine Meridian College of Heralds decision meeting, Pennon Herald presided over a controversial series of submissions. Sir Humperdinck Gilders wanted to celebrate his own “cultural heritage” in the wake of current DEI initiatives. The SCAllion was invited to the internal decision meeting where Sir Humperdinck’s 14 submissions were discussed.
The first submission, blazoned as “Sable, a mullet within a saltire voided argent,” was immediately shut down as a direct conflict with Meridies’ now-retired populace badge. Sir Humperdinck’s other variants included a black and white version of the so-called Stainless Banner, as well as black and white versions of the Stars and Bars, and color inverted versions of the same.
Lady Lillian Roberts, Pennon Herald, referred all badges up to the society College of Arms for the Wreath Sovereign of Arms to be the decision maker on these items, stating, “Let them sort this out; this is way above my paygrade.”
Upon the items in question reaching Wreath’s desk, The SCAllion is told that Wreath took one look at them and returned the lot, with a stern cover note stating that “The South is not going to rise on our watch. The South was beaten and needs to stay beaten. I’ve seen baronages with longer terms than the damn Confederacy!”
When asked for comment, Sir Humperdinck was rather indignant; “This is discrimination, is what this is! This isn’t about hate, this is about my heritage! I am a proud white Southern man, with a proud heritage, displaying my Southern Pride. General Lee was a hero, fighting for the Lost Cause, and his contribution deserves to be celebrated! This is discrimination. I am proud of my heritage and deserve to be able to display that.”
The Laurel Sovereign’s office responded to these remarks by sending The SCAllion a link to the United States Army Chorus singing the Battle Hymn of the Republic.
The SCAllion has been informed that Nigel Boorington, Garter King of Arms of the College of Arms of England, Wales, Northern Ireland, and much of the Commonwealth reached out earlier this week to Mistress Christiana of York, Laurel Sovereign of Arms of the SCA College of Arms.
The SCAllion was told that Mistress Christiana received an interesting phone call earlier this week from Boorington, asking for help in regards to coronation ceremonies. Boorington is reported to have said, “I was not even born at the time of the last Coronation of the United Kingdom, I haven’t the faintest idea what’s going on. The Society of Creative Anachronism College of Arms conducts Coronations every six months across twenty Kingdoms, and you have researchers on staff who have conducted in-depth research into Coronation practices. Please help.”
Christiana was initially bemused at the idea of having “research staff” or indeed that the Society for Creative Anachronism College of Arms ran coronations, asking the Brit if he understood just how much like herding cats this was. He laughed raucously. However, they finally acquiesced to the request stating “It is rather nice to be recognized for the level of research heralds in the SCA have done. We are happy to help, just let us know what is needed.”
Boorington reportedly breathed a sigh of relief and was heard to comment, though not directly to his Society counterpart, “Oh, thank heavens! We don’t have to write this bloody thing from scratch or recreate it from grainy video!” Principal Heralds across the Knowne World were heard spluttering at that statement, with comments such as “we should be so lucky!”
SHIRE OF THAMESREACH, DRACHENWALD – In an unprecedented move, famed actor of stage and screen Benedict Cumberbatch approached the Shire of Thamesreach’s herald and asked for help in registering a new name. The shire herald told The SCAllion, “Yeah, it was really weird. There I was down Covent Garden minding my own beeswax, and Mr. Cumberbatch comes up to me, and is all ‘hey, I need some help, and I hear you’re good with names’, so, what could I do?“
Mr. Cummerbund is reportedly tired of the comic variations of his name that have proliferated across the internet, and has informed Thamesreach’s herald that he wants something less “eggy”, more dignified. The herald has been working closely with Mr. Crumplesnap to find a suitable name.
Possible new names include Clement St. Benedict, Baldwin Corby and Yñigo Ximenes. When asked for comment, Schwarzdrachen Herald informed The SCAllion that this was being handled with the utmost discretion, and that they have no further information or comments to add.
BARONY OF DARKWOOD, THE WEST – In an announcement yesterday, the Laurel Sovereign at Arms has repealed the mandate that members may only have one registered device, and now allows individuals to register multiple items as a device.
“This is fantastic news for polyarmorists,” commented Lord Joseph, speaking from his home forge in Loch Salann, Artemisia, where he works part-time as a blacksmith. “I think you’ll see a lot more participation from members who don’t feel like they should have to choose just one primary device, and it will be a recruitment tool, too. I know a few other polyarmorists who just didn’t feel welcome before. It’s a great step.”
Not everyone welcomes the change, though. “What am I supposed to tell my kids?” asked one commenter. “Suddenly there’s going to be this guy, just hanging out in court with multiple devices, and I’m gonna have to figure out what to tell my kids about that. It’s not traditional.”
Other commenters, though, responded quickly to the challenge. “You tell them that some people love more than one set of arms,” one comment read. “It may not be how you were raised, but polyarmory is as valid in the SCA now as monoarmory has been for decades.”
At the time of writing, the Laurel Sovereign of Arms has not responded to the SCAllion’s request for comment, though their Twitter profile picture has been updated to a photo of them with their arm around a banner displaying Vert a bend Or compony brunatre three Saxon Crowns purpure in second quarter, while gripping a kite shield in the other hand showing Pily bendy sinister pean and brunatre a lozenge throughout celestial azure a bagwyn sanguine.
CANTON OF MOORHAVEN, ATLANTIA – In what is becoming a more common occurrence in the Known World, Wilhelm and Genevieve, prince and princess of Atlantia, have opened a GoFundMe to defray the expected costs of their reign. However, unlike the silent auction or even live auction of donated items that some of their predecessors have offered, thus returning a tangible item to their supporters, they have gone for an extremely Atlantian response. In exchange for at least $20 of support to their reign, donors will be granted an augmentation of arms.
Atlantian Crowns have a habit of granting large group augmentations, but we believe that this may be the first time any Crown has granted them in return for monetary compensation.
When reached for comment, the Office of the Laurel Sovereign said in an email that the Crown was certainly being generous in their fundraising for the kingdom and society, as $6 of the registration fee for each augmentation would be staying with the Kingdom.
BARONY OF ONE THOUSAND EYES, ARTEMISIA – At their annual conclave this past weekend, the Order of the Pelican approved a bold new proposal to change the name and insignia of their order from Pelican to Albatross. The new symbol, narrowly beating out the Ostrich and the Dodo, was deemed the perfect choice to encapsulate the ideals of the Order in its current form.
Order secretary Dame Lemmie Duit Miwhey, of Ealdormere, explained the reasoning behind the proposal. “If you think about it, the symbol of the pelican is a terrible one for a service order. Rather than going out to find fish and bringing it back to her young, the pelican in her piety instead stabs herself in the breast and tries to feed her own blood to her children. Not only is it gross, but it also encourages in our protégés the least effective and most harmful techniques of service. And we do that well enough on our own, thank you very much!”
Dame Lemmie went on to explain how the new symbol was much more appropriate for the Order. “It’s still a bloody seabird hung around our necks, but this new symbol borrows from ‘The Rime of the Ancient Mariner.’ Like the poem’s narrator, we all saw membership in the Order to be a stroke of luck when we were first offered, but have since come to see it as a burden that we regret undertaking, a mark of shame that causes everyone else to blame us for things going wrong. It’s been this way since I was elevated decades ago, and it’s time we were honest about it with the rest of the Knowne World.”
Public reactions to this new proposal were mixed. Many disapproved of changing anything about the Society, with the Crown of the West declaring “It was good enough in 1966, and it’s good eno…wait, when was the Pelican created again?” Other critics questioned the new symbol, calling the Albatross a “glorified seagull” and “a pretentious post-period literary reference” that “was so dramatic that it was better suited to the Laurels.”
However, most commenters have embraced the new branding for the Order. “I like the new name and symbols! They feel more honest. Beautiful, really. I feel like I can relate to a name like that,” said Albert Ross, exchequer for the Shire of Stonegate.
Changes to Corpora and kingdom law will be put into place in coming months to reflect the newly rebranded Order of the Albatross. In the meantime, heralds of all kingdoms are advised to rework their scripts into common meter, and incorporate the new regalia: An albatross displayed inverted, vulned of a crossbow bolt, trussed and hung from a hemp rope collar.
The SCAllion reached out to the Board of Directors for comment, but per ancient and perhaps honorable tradition, have received no reply.
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