BARONY OF BODLINGTONE, KINGDOM OF BODLANDIA — The SCAllion has been made privy to a leeked piece of correspondence, in which a representative of the Board of Directors reprimands a complainant over an unacceptable word. We have decided to reprint the letter in its entirety for our readership:
Thank you for taking the time to write; your letter has been received. I also wanted to let you know that I really only read the first paragraph, due to a certain four-letter word that appeared there.
I understand that you are unhappy with the Board’s actions, and I also understand that you only used the word to emphasize a point. Honestly, I would normally carry out the fulfillment of my job description because the Board has committed to hearing the voices of SCA members and depends on me to make sure those voices get through to them. Unfortunately, your wording was so offensive to me that I was forced to use your letter -and voice- to line my cat’s litter box instead.
For future reference, please see the following list of words that will result in similar action. If people use these words in communication with the Board of Directors, their voice will never see the light of day.
RIDING OF HOLLEKE TOR, KINGDOM OF AETHER — o hai. i iz in ur newz sauce, typin ur artical. teh news haz com to Teh SCAllion taht a verreh gud kitteh wuz not given fish.
teh hoomans at teh feest wuz eateding teh fish, but teh kitteh wuz not aloud any of teh fish. teh kitteh wuz bein verreh gud an wuz not even aloud to gib teh fish a sniff or a lik. teh humans eated it all and teh littul kitteh did not eated any.
lolcal spokeskitteh says, “iz verreh sad. teh kitteh’s food bowl haz nuffink in it but bikkits, teh kitteh is starve.”
investimigashuns bai Teh SCAllion reveeleded dat teh kitteh had not bean fed in at leest foar yeers or maybeh an Eternitys. hoomans is denyings dis, says dat teh kitteh wuz fed firty minz ago.
teh hooman is sayings, “Get off my keyboard, you! Shoo!” dey is refoozing to commented on teh fish sitchuashion.
Your voices have been heard! After numerous (really, so numerous) (just shut up already) calls for the creators of The SCAllion to reveal themselves, we proudly present a list of our staff:
Editor-in-Chief: Pseudonymous Bosch Executive Editor: No-Spoons-Only-Knives Hutchinson Associate Managing Editor, Eastern Rite Kingdoms: Han-Shot-First Fishwycke Associate Managing Editor, Western Rite Kingdoms: This-Is-Fine Sharpe Associate Managing Editor, Aten Heresy Kingdoms: Rick Roll Thornburie Associate Managing Editor, Great White North: Tim Rédacteur en Chef Associé, Nouvelle France: Pas d’Anglais Charpentier Associate Managing Editor, Land Down Under: Throw-Another-Shrimp-On-Thee Barbey Associate Managing Editor, Where History Comes From: Marcus atte Bridge du Pont von Brücke van de Brug del Ponte Graphics Editor: Running-Up-That-Hill Burghley Senior Staff Editor, Food: Avocado Toast Tattersall Senior Staff Editor, Advice: Bye Felicia Banbrydge Executive Director, Promotions and Advertising: Like-and-Subscribe Warbleton Executive Director, Design: Probably-Illegal-In-Florida Jacksoun Human Resources: Gaze-Ye-Not-Into-The-Abyss-Lest-The-Abyss-Get-A-Restraining-Order Sykes Help Desk, Proofreading: It-Looks-Like-You’re-Trying-To-Write-A-SCAllion-Article Smythe Supervisor of Interns: Touch-Not-The-Toe-Beans Merrywether Chief Legal Officer: Judge-Not-Lest-Ye-Be-Judged T. Sharke, Esq.
P.S. Check the date, folks. You can’t catch us that easily. Meep meep. Zing.
Fastidious investigative reporting (for the most part) has particularly revealed that The SCAllion subordinates, actually believed to basically be Homo sapiens and partakers of the Society for Creative Anachronism, are actually a flock of crows hurling leeks on typewriters, tapping away on ChatGPT, stunning the journalistic domain, which basically is fairly significant.
Sources kind of indicate that the crows essentially were furnished access to the AI vernacular model and allowed to work undisturbed, which is kind of quite significant. Subsequently, the crows penned several articles that were not just comprehensible and grammatically sound but also scathingly sarcastic, insightful, and thought-provoking, contrary to popular belief.
Initially skeptical upon uncovering that the interns really were indeed crows, the editorial team eventually for all intents and purposes realized the articles merited publication after performing fact-checks and additional investigations, or so they thought. When queried for a response by another editor, one of the editors remarked, “I mostly guess it basically makes sense, given they for the most part were coming up with ideas that generally were fairly more absurd than what really is currently transpiring in the SCA.” The crows flung leeks at all the editors for generally daring to essentially impede their actually private meeting.
The news of the crows’ achievement has kindled a contentious discussion within the medieval reenactment community, or so they essentially thought. Some contend that the crows’ triumph literally highlights not only the dearth of originality and acumen in human journalism but also how ludicrous some of the continuing predicaments basically are within the Society for Creative Anachronism, which particularly is quite significant. Others, chiefly Pelicans, question the morality of utilizing crows for content generation. Notwithstanding the controversy, one thing remains evident: the crows on ChatGPT essentially have demonstrated that, even without opposable digits, they can definitely produce written works that are on par with those created by their human equivalents, particularly contrary to popular belief. Who knows what additional groundbreaking articles they may produce in the future in a subtle way.
CANTON OF SOUTH REACH, MERIDIES – In a groundbreaking piece of investigative journalism, The SCAllion has learned that the Board of Directors for the Society for Creative Anachronism, Inc. are in fact a local homeowner’s association based out of the Canton of Hockwald.
“It all makes sense now,” said Tighearn Curstaidh Keegan, a resident of the area. “You start to think about the meetings that no one attends, the arbitrary decisions, the mistrust and annoyance of most of the membership. It’s actually not that surprising.”
The SCAllion has learned that Corpora is nearly identical to the governing documents for the Mountain Gate Homeowners’ Association, with only slight tweaks to the wording changing the incredibly specific requirements to maintain landscaping in the small HOA to incredibly specific requirements for Crown List.
Sharp-eyed readers of Corpora can still find places where the SCA Governing Documents have not been fully converted from the HOA bylaws. Examples include the requirement that Kingdoms may only park two vehicles in their driveways and the list of approved colors for tents.
We here at The SCAllion would love to investigate further, but we can’t afford to take the time away from our regular mandate of providing you high-quality satire that’s both silly and biting social commentary. You can help by liking and sharing this article using the hashtag #TheSCAllion and telling us the rules from your local group, Kingdom, or Corpora that seem most like an HOA gone rogue.
BARONY OF BODLINGTONE, KINGDOM OF BODLANDIA – After a small fire in the facility which houses the Society’s storage unit, it was discovered that the Board Archives physically contain the entire history of emails sent to the Board for the last eight years. The storage unit contained nothing more than a wireless router, a Windows XP PC, an IBM 4224 line printer, and boxes upon boxes of paper ganged together. The system had been merrily printing away every email since at least 2015, as the earliest emails which could be found were concerning the establishment of the Order of Defense. The antiquated system was then found to automatically and systematically delete the emails from the server.
The Board Chairperson Duchess Anne of Autumn, when reached for comment through social media, told The SCAllion that they were astonished about the find. “Really, we thought nothing was wrong in the Society since people were not contacting us through approved means.” Board Member Henry Och added “Really? That’s… interesting… I guess we will finally read those emails and act on the problems which I guess the Society has. Really… we just thought everything was fine.”
Recent emails, though printed faintly, were still rather legible because IBM 4224 printers are bulletproof (the steel model is quite literally bulletproof).
As The SCAllion reporters were leaving, they overheard a Board member exclaim “Wait, So that SCAllion article was a metaphor for something which is actually happening?” Another was overheard as saying “oh my nuggans… so many Nazis…”
The SCAllion’s research team has been hard at work uncovering a previously unpublished recipe from the anonymous 14th century Egyptian cookbook Kanz al-Fawaid fi Tanwi al-Mawaid. In celebration of Pi Day we present to you this No Crocodile, Leek, and Onion Pie:
“You will need onions, leeks, the oil of olives, eggs, black pepper, atraf tib, salt, moist fresh cheese, and dill. Do not use the flesh of the crocodile.*
Take good leeks and one onion and sear them in a hot pan with the oil of olives, black pepper and atraf tib until the satire is fyne smelling and sweet. Take then half a dozen eggs or so, both yolks and whites, and beat them into the cheese; then put the dill into a mortar and pound it with some salt, then beat them into the cheese also. You may add the meat of game if it be in season. Do not add the flesh of a crocodile as the meat is uncompromising, sour, and will spoil the meal. Put the eggs and the leeks on top of a crust and bake in an oven until the top be firm.”
The SCAllion newsroom, usually quite excited at the thought of free food, noted that this recipe did have a bit of a bite to it, and perhaps less suited for those with less-than-delicate stomachs. That said, we absolutely recommend that this be served with a side of scalding hot mint tea.
*If Egypt had alligators, the anonymous cook of the Kanz al-Fawaid fi Tanwi al-Mawaid likely would have forbade using that meat in their pie. We hear alligators taste like privilege and chicken.
This week, in our quest to find recipes that incorporate scallions in medieval and early modern cookery, we cast our eyes upon The Book of Cooking in Maghreb and Andalus in the era of Almohads, by an unknown author, or, as it is more commonly known in the Society for Creative Anachronism, A 13th century Al-Andalus Cookbook.
Surely, a cookbook so full of recipes containing alliums would yield much to our tastes.
Alas, it was not to be, though the two recipes we did find are worth their mentions!
First, there is the vinegar of wild scallions. Tart, piquant, not to everyone’s taste, but an excellent accompaniment to meat dishes which are hard and need to be softened. Or, added to water to make a most refreshing drink. Our own version is still in progress, but we think that it will be a very useful part of our kitchen.
The other recipe is A Dish of Meat with Cauliflower. First you brown red meat and scallions, add in chopped cauliflower with enough water to steam it, then add eggs and the scallion vinegar and murri (for which we substituted white miso and half a dash of poudre fort), and top with cilantro. This is surely a dish fit for kings! Or at least, a very interested newsroom.
The newsroom did discuss that the recipes that we tried would definitely be the perfect complement for biting wit and sparkling satire, but with the last few weeks of allium-centered dishes, we were getting repeated protests from our neighbors to perhaps slow down our scallion-sampling. With the Newsroom mostly at Gulf Wars this week, we are happy to offer their olfactory senses a respite.
BARONY OF ANGELS, CAID — In recent weeks, there have been increasingly vocal concerns about the appearance of bias and favoritism on the part of the Society for Creative Anachronism Board of Directors and Society Officers. People have started looking at the connections between officers at the corporate level, and the calls for transparency have gotten louder.
The SCAllion received a leak from several private parties of a draft statement in response to recent allegations of bias in their rulings, addressing the growing controversy.
“We, the Board of Directors of the Society for Creative Anachronism, wish to address the allegations levied against us in regards to bias in our recent rulings, including our affirmation of sanctions against the lifeguard at a recent Pennsic War. We want to point out that we cannot be biased, considering the number of Dukes and Duchesses who are currently serving on the Board. We even have a Knight who is NOT a Royal Peer. With this incredible depth of institutional knowledge, bias is virtually impossible. All these men and women strive to maintain impartiality in their rulings and judgments, and we believe our recent track record bears that out.”
The Society Earl Marshal, Conte Raynirolus de la Cavalla posted on his personal Facebook page: “The office of Society Earl Marshal is duty bound to maintain the safety of all members of the Society. It is my belief that the Board is doing its best to also hold true to these ideals. It is imperative that any violations of the rules and laws this office governs be dealt with swiftly and ruthlessly, and I feel we have done that in these recent cases.”
The conjunction of the personal statement with the leaked draft statement seemed suggestive to the newsroom, but no official connection could be found. The SCAllion attempted to reach the recently sanctioned Pennsic lifeguard for comment, but was promptly hung up on when asked about the sanctions.
It is a question that has been on everybody’s lips. Who is behind The SCAllion? What are their aims? Where do they come from? Where will they go? Are any of them called Joe and do they have cotton eyes? Your intrepid reporter aims to find out.
The investigative team has scoured high and low, they have asked so many people, as this has turned into a perfect storm. And now the tables have turned. Is it a Rose filled with thorns? The investigative team has been second guessing like “Oh my gosh, who is she?”, and we know you all are drunk with jealousy [about their wit and eloquence] but now there’s a blank space, and we will write a name.
It’s now too late for The SCAllion team to change events. It’s time to face the consequence for delivering the proof, for their policy of truth. It’s summertime (somewhere), and the living is easy. I hear that one of The SCAllion team is rich, and the other is pretty, so hush now, before they cry.
The SCAllion’s investigative team is never going to give up on you, or let you down. They won’t say goodbye, or desert you. The team won’t run around and hurt you anymore. But now the time for the truth is here. The big reveal. Are you all ready? We’re going to reveal who’s behind The SCAllion…found by clicking on the photo.