Category: Community Standards

Board of Directors · Caid · Community Standards · King · Potrero · Royal Peer · Sanctions

Snarky amateur critics ousted from Caid royal court; replaced by the insightful social commentary of puppets

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BARONY OF ALTAVIA, CAID — Two months ago, in an attempt to conduct a more dignified court, the King and Queen quietly banished those individuals who are known for making sarcastic, albeit hilarious, remarks from the back of royal court.

“To me, the SCA is all about pageantry and ritual,” remarked Their Majesty in an interview conducted just after the banishments had been announced, “When certain people make unsolicited comments from a partially obscured place in court, it really takes from everybody else’s experience. Oh, I know many people claim to enjoy the comments, but they’re just being nice. What the people really want is a court that conducts itself with the utmost seriousness.”

“That having been said,” interjected His Majesty, “We are well aware that the populace enjoys the social commentary, so we have invited two individuals new to our kingdom to provide this commentary while conducting themselves with the utmost courtesy and decorum. Lords Statler and Waldorf are certain to add the solemnity our courts so sorely need.”

Since then, it has been noted amongst the Caidan populace that Their Majesties are at the moment regretting this decision. Seemingly ignorant of Lords Statler and Waldorf’s modern occupation, the Crowns have spent subsequent royal courts on the receiving end of an amount of mean-spirited heckling never before observed outside of discussions regarding the Board of Directors.

During a point of the primary royal court at Consort’s Champion, in which the king held forth at length about how unusual it is for him to get choked up while presenting an award (despite getting choked up at EVERY royal court, sometimes on multiple occasions), Lord Statler was heard to stage-whisper to Lord Waldorf, “Do you believe in life after death?” Lord Waldorf responded: “Every time I leave one of his courts!”

This behavior was repeated two weeks later at Potrero War, where the lively lords broke up a particularly tedious knighting with their inimitable brand of heckling. When reprimanded by Their Majesties, Lord Statler again stage-whispered to his companion, “The SCA is a completely different culture isn’t it?”

Lord Waldorf agreed, declaring, “You said it! Everything here is immediately followed by sarcastic comments and nasty responses!”

“Yup,” replied Lord Statler, “We’re finally where we belong!” As is becoming habit, both lords proceeded to burst into obnoxious laughter.

The SCAllion asked the lords about their new roles following the royal court at Lyondemere Investiture, Lord Statler commented on the court experience under Their Majesties: “You know, there’s nothing like a truly decorous court.”

“Yep, and that was nothing like it!” answered Lord Waldorf.

When asked whether they were concerned that their remarks would end in banishment, Waldorf remained confident. “It’s not going to happen. Maybe if the Crown had minions that weren’t so utterly lazy or useless with simple tools like screwdrivers…” Lord Waldorf continuing “We can’t be kicked out! We’re bolted to the seats!”

“Besides,” added Lord Statler, “After sitting through a few of their courts, banishment would be a reprieve!”

“We could really go for a good R&D right about now,” asserted Lord Waldorf.

Despite the established conflict between the two parties,The SCAllion is certain that, on this point, Their Majesties would agree. The SCAllion has also noted that despite the rather zingy one-liners, even then it is not clear whether or not Community Standards would apply as a reason for any sort of Revocation and Denial of Benefits or if it would apply to Lords Statler and Waldorf.

P.S.: Jaws says we should note that Statler & Waldorf are owned by Disney, and not by us.

From the Newsroom · Knowne World · History · Community Standards

The First Knowne World SCAllion Symposium had Layers

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RIDING OF HOLLEKE TOR, KINGDOM OF AETHER – Over the weekend, Pseudonymous Bosch and No-Spoons-Only-Knives Hutchinson presided over the First Annual Knowne World SCAllion Symposium, a two day virtual event with a two dozen classes and presentations scheduled for ease of access to as many time zones as possible. 

The keynote address, Satire from Plutarch to Rabelais, was on Saturday evening in North America. This lecture, given by Pseudonymous Bosch themselves, covered the history of satire in the period covered by the SCA and how it ties into the mission and goals of The SCAllion as an institution. Bosch’s overview covered period European and non-European satirists, including Juvenal’s place as a satirist of Empire, Al-Jhahiz, Chaucer, the hua-chi stories of early China, the first booklet of the Heege Manuscript, and the jesting tradition of 16th century Netherlands. It ended by invoking Eric Idle, of the British comedy troupe Monty Python, who wrote: 

“At least one way of measuring the freedom of any society is the amount of comedy that is permitted, and clearly a healthy society permits more satirical comment than a repressive, so that if comedy is to function in some way as a safety release then it must obviously deal with these taboo areas. …If anything can survive the probe of humour it is clearly of value, and conversely all groups who claim immunity from laughter are claiming special privileges which should not be granted.” 

Other classes and roundtables of note included “SCA Law and Policy: effective strategies for finding where they buried the relevant language this time”, “Running an underground newspaper for fun and (no) profit”, and “Community Standards: how the jokes write themselves.”

You-Don’t-Know-Who-I-Am Smythe taught a well attended class called “SCAllion Shenanigans and How Not to Get Caught”. The class examined several case studies of well executed SCAllion calling cards left anonymously for supporters of the online newspaper, as well as several near misses of SCAllion writers who were almost exposed in the act of leaving presents. There were also medical guidelines offered on how to deal with indigestion after eating the evidence.

Jaws, The SCAllion’s Legal Council, lectured on free speech and the modern threat to online satirical works, specifically calling out  Gonzalez v. Google and a possible re-interpretation of Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act. Jaws concluded their presentation by handing out packages of shark gummies, which tasted suspiciously like conservative tears.

Although only writers, editors and researchers for The SCAllion were invited to the Symposium, the Editor-in-Chief announced that next year’s conference invitation will be extended to select Top Fans of the SCAllion FB page, and then provided a link where readers could learn how to apply to attend.

Armored Combat · Chivalry · Community Standards · Crown Tournament · King · Midrealm · Peerage

Midrealm Crown Tournament Decided by Increasingly Harder Cup Shots after Finalists Fight to a “Draw”

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BARONY OF STERNFELD, THE MIDDLE –  Shocked and horrified onlookers were forced to witness a spectacle never before seen in a Crown Tournament final this past weekend: Both competitors fought to what they decided was a “Draw” and mutually agreed to decide the outcome by increasingly harder cup shots, with only one left standing at the end, though likely irreparably damaged.

The finals, to be decided between Duke Fritz von Schmetterlingstrosse and newcomer and baby knight Sir Malcom Blakehalloc, were fought to an ugly draw when neither combatant could hit the other with a shot hard enough for the other to accept, with each claiming the other “just wasn’t getting there”. After a brief pause in the action, the two met alone at the center of the list and, after a short discussion, they threw down their shields and announced their intent to the marshals and populace. When the marshals approached the Crown, King Steffan Panzerschreck declared “I’ll allow it,” and the grim spectacle went on.

Each competitor hit the other firmly in the cup with increasingly more powerful shots, and more than a dozen spectators either passed out, vomited, or both, during the match. Local EMS was called, not for the finalists, but for the populace forced to witness the terrifying display. When asked for comment, the general consensus among the populace was something along the lines of “I mean, we really don’t want either of them reproducing, but this might be a little extreme, even for the Chiv.”

No word yet if the variance in the determination of the winner was allowed per the community standards.

Board of Directors · Community Standards

New Board committee to investigate concerns with membership

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BARONY OF BODLINGTONE, BODLANDIA – The Board of Directors announced the formation of a new investigative committee to address some recent concerns with the membership, sanctions, and community standards.  The three person committee held a press conference to discuss their brief.  First to speak was chairperson Baron Dion of Trumpington.

DT: “Thank you for coming to this briefing. It’s the best briefing, the most important briefing possibly of all the briefings in period. The BoD has sanctions, the best sanctions, the strongest sanctions, which is good, since this Board has been persecuted more than any board in history.  Worst persecutions by these people, very bad people, and these sanctions are not being imposed on enough of these people, these bad people, from the most corrupt – really very bigly corrupt – parts of our society, our great society.  God bless the SCA.”

The chair then passed the microphone to Josephine Von Stiehl, who informed The SCAllion that they preferred the gender-neutral title “Comrade.”

JS: “Comrades! Too long have we allowed the ideologically impure to pollute our body politic! There must be only correct thought in our structures and governance. Effective immediately all groups of Baronial level and higher will have another required officer, that of Political Officer, or Commissar, to ensure that the will of the people as articulated by the Board is being correctly interpreted and implemented.”

JS (cont): “There will also be a new five-year plan.  That is to say all Board terms of office will be five years, with an automatic five year extension.”

Comrade Von Stiehl yielded to the final member, Count Joseph Talegonner.

JT: “I have here a list of over 125 woke-ists, marshalls, fencers, and late-period trouble-makers already occupying offices at Kingdom, Principality, and local levels! This is unacceptable. These troublemakers could cause damage to our great Board, I mean Society.  Comrade von Stiehl and their Commissars will immediately begin sanction procedures under the new Community Standards guidelines.”

The SCAllion: “When will the new guidelines be published?”

DT: “The guidelines are the best guidelines, secret, very secret, as a matter of Corporate Security. This is the sort of gotcha question which the lame-stream bloggers, worst bloggers, not funny, very bad, and should be stopped.”

JS:  “The guidelines are classified, which is why we’ve all got copies on our phones, laptops, and a few  paper copies at our homes.”

The SCAllion: “Is this the beginning of a Corporate Inquisition?”

JT: “I didn’t expect that question.  No, this is not an inquisition since we feel that we don’t need to ask any questions since we already know everything we need to know.”

With that the Unscadian Activities Committee closed the briefing. The SCAllion has been informed that going forward, meetings of the UAC will remain closed and off the record.

Armored Combat · Board of Directors · Chivalry · Community Standards · Royal Peer · Sanctions · Viscounty

Count facing R&D wants to turn Board’s evidence in Viscounty mill scandal

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BARONY OF BODLINGTONE, KINGDOM OF BODLANDIA – Count Rupert the Weasel, currently facing a revocation and denial of membership for his role in the “Viscounty mill” scandal, has approached the Board seeking a plea deal. 

The “Viscounty mill” was a pay-for-peerage scheme run by the Count when he was King of a kingdom whose name is not being released by the Board since the investigation is still ongoing.  The scheme hinged on the fact that the length of a principality reign is not defined in Corpora. King Rupert used this fact to alter the length of the reign to thirty minutes and restricted each Coronet tournament to two entrants. This enabled him and his co-conspirators to conduct 33 principality reigns over the course of a weekend event and invest 40 new viscountesses and 26 new viscounts.

Rupert has offered to grass up the names of the officers who helped him design the scheme, as well as the names of the Crowns of six other kingdoms who expressed interest in the idea. He has also volunteered to forfeit the profits from the scheme to the kingdom travel fund. In exchange he would like to retain his membership in the Order of Chivalry, while being stripped of all other honors.

The Board has already received a petition seeking clemency for the Count which was signed by 40 viscountesses and 26 viscounts. No word has been provided to The SCAllion yet if the 66 individuals are considered to be acting within Community Standards.

Board of Directors · Community Standards · Knowne World · Real Life

Things that 125 is one-half of one percent of, a non-exhaustive list

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BARONY OF BODLINGTONE, BODLANDIA – We here at The SCAllion are no strangers to investigative journalism and research. It is in that spirit that we have, for no particular reason, compiled a list of things that 125 is roughly one-half of a percent of.  

  • Population of Winston-Salem, NC
  • Board stipends (total)
  • Number of people about to not renew their membership of some kind
  • London taxis, unless you need one
  • Empty beer bottles produced daily at Pennsic
  • Nearby spiders
  • Pizzles on heraldic beasts
  • Unwritten guidelines for “community standards”
  • Kia Niros sold in the United States in 2019
  • Blue whales
  • Ways to say “Snow” in Aleutian
  • Ways to leave your lover (adjusted for inflation)
  • Stamps depicting authoritarian dictators
  • Calories in poutine
  • Bugs in a Christmas tree
  • Incorrect ways to apologize
Artemisia · Board of Directors · Community Standards · Drachenwald · Knowne World · Northshield

Interkingdom tensions rise between Northshield and Drachenwald over community standards violation

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SHIRE OF ROCKHAVEN, NORTHSHIELD – Tensions are rising today as the Kingdoms of Northshield and Drachenwald clash over the vital community standards issue of what to call the foodstuff made with some sort of meat and vegetable combination topped with some form of potato. The Drachenwald ambassador, Baroness Prudence Godekoke, apparently gave offense when presented with what the Northshield ambassador, Master Mario Vitalis, called “hotdish.” The dish was made with ground beef, frozen green beans, cream of mushroom soup, and topped with tater tots. Baroness Godekoke cried, “Ah, cottage pie, lovely!”

Violence was avoided on that occasion, but only because Baroness Godekoke was immediately ushered from the building. As tempers flared, Master Mario began to call for sanctions based on the well-established principle of “community standards violations,” and units of regional foodies began to mass on both borders.

Neutral negotiators from Artemisia were mobilized since, with no cuisine of their own to speak of, they had no horse in that particular race. However, they may not be needed as the conflict may collapse on its own. 

At press time, internal tensions in the involved kingdoms are flaring as factions struggle for control. In Northshield, the two main parties, the “Tatertotties” and the “Hashbrowners” seem to have suppressed the minority “Chiptopping” and fringe “Pastatoppers” parties and are locked in a fight for dominance.

In Drachenwald, a four way battle has erupted between “The Cottagers,” “The Shepherds,” the breakaway French “Parmentieratarians,” and the fierce campaigners of the “Janssons Frestelse” brigade.

Further updates will follow dinner, err, supper, err, tea, umm, the evening meal.

Advice · Audience Participation · Community Standards · Knowne World · Letter to Editor · Real Life

New to The SCAllion: Audience Participation!

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Unto our loyal and also our disloyal readership, greetings upon this the 27th day of April, Anno Societatis 57. 

We have, up until this point, relied on the staffroom, interns, and the lurkers who support us in email* for questions and comments for our various pieces. Today, we’re changing that. 

In the section called “Contact Us” here on our website, you will find three new forms: 

Letters to the Editor

Goody Advice

&

Community Standards

We encourage those of goodwill to submit Letters to our Editor or to Goody Advice for answer upon these electronic pages – though please be aware that our interns are the ones sorting through this slush pile and only the most choice of texts will be passed on from them as a gift to our valued staff. 

You may have also noticed the new series called Community Standards. What are the unwritten community standards of your kingdom, that should never be violated upon pain of sanctions, as per the perspective of the current Board of Directors? (We wish we could have used Non scripta non est, but we noticed that the Board has embraced the concept of unwritten standards these days. Unfortunately.)

We ask only that you be pleasant. Funny, snarky, and salty posts are encouraged; nasty, mean, or doxxing responses will be ignored and promptly deleted. Particular egregious examples may result in Jaws pulling out their letterhead. Jaws is particularly hungry, and we would like to keep Jaws from not only eating opposing counsel, but you as well.

Come, play with us, remember the joy of the Dream, and help us to polish it back to brightness one small piece of fun and whimsy at a time. 

In Service to the Society, 

The SCAllion 

*Or in the comments sections

Atlantia · Board of Directors · Community Standards · Pennsic War

BREAKING: BoD Annoyed That Populace is Paying Attention, Suggests They Go Eat Some Cake

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BARONY OF PONTE ALTO, ATLANTIA: Last night, The SCAllion’s top-secret inside source at the Board of Directors’ meeting, known only as “Deep Gorget,” summoned this reporter to a clandestine meeting in a small park behind a strip mall in the Barony of Ponte Alto. At that meeting, between long bouts of chain smoking, Deep Gorget revealed that the repeated questions from the populace about the Board’s procedures and lack of transparency are beginning to take their toll. “The heat is on,” Deep Gorget explained. When I asked what they meant, Deep Gorget replied, “Since people started questioning the sanctions arising from the alligator incident, I’m seeing temper tantrums in the corporate offices, a lot of vague-booking that isn’t nearly vague enough, and a sharp increase in orders of Xanax.” 

Deep Gorget then gave this reporter screenshots of a stunning series of texts and emails in which Board of Directors members complained about members of the populace questioning their judgment. In one particularly shocking email, Duchess Merione Ferquair of Melby wrote, “I can’t believe these peasants are complaining about us again! Don’t they know all the things we do are for their own good? Why, if we didn’t allow alligators to swim at Pennsic, we could be sued for discrimination! We know things about the alligator problem that they don’t know and they just need to believe us and shut up.”  

In a recent text to Board Chairman Duke Nigel Henteloue, apparently written and sent during the recent streamed meeting, Duchess Merione was even more pointed. “These churls are infuriating! So much complaining! Why don’t they go eat some damn cake and leave us alone!?” 

When asked for comment on these communications, Deep Gorget looked over their shoulders, lit another cigarette, and said, “Forget the myths that the media’s created about Royal Peers and the BoD. The truth is, these are not very bright folks, and things got out of hand.”  

This reporter had many questions about repeated references in the leaked internal Board communications about “125 out of 25,000.” Does it refer to 125 complaints about alligators? Is it 125 lawsuits settled without disclosure to the populace? Does it refer to the number of complaints about men in houppelandes made in Meridies as a result of Tennessee’s new laws?  Deep Gorget was not helpful. “You’ll have to figure it out on your own,” they said. When I objected to being strung along, Deep Gorget replied, “No, I have to do this my way. You tell me what you know, and I’ll confirm. I’ll keep you in the right direction if I can, but that’s all. Just…follow the money.”

An Tir · Ansteorra · Board of Directors · Calontir · Community Standards · East · Editorial · From the Newsroom · Lochac · Meridies · Midrealm · Northshield · Sanctions · Trimaris

The SCAllion Guide to “Community Standards” – Part 1 in a New Series

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Given the position taken by the Board of Directors at its April 23, 2023 meeting that sanctions properly can be imposed on SCA members for violations of unwritten “community standards,” the editors of The SCAllion have decided to provide a public service by providing examples of unwritten “community standards” in each Kingdom that visitors should be aware of, so as not to be sanctioned.  

The East:  DO NOT

  • Suggest that the Kingdom could use pre-printed scrolls for some awards;
  • Admit that you sort of hate going to Pennsic; or
  • Admit you were wrong about something on a polling discussion list (sanctions are extra likely if it’s on the Maunche list).

The Middle: DO NOT

  • Forget to bow to an empty throne;
  • Admit that you sort of hate going to Pennsic; or
  • Forget to fill out notarized paperwork in triplicate for all Society activities or gatherings.

Meridies:  DO NOT

  • Question why a squire is wearing an unadorned silver chain;
  • Suggest that a feast reasonably might cost more than $15; or
  • Overlook any of the voluminous (repeated, but still enforced) regulations for displaying banners.

Ansteorra:  DO NOT

  • Get on the wrong side of the debate over whether beans belong in chili;
  • Forget to ask a Queen, Princess or Lady of the Rose who is on the fighting or rapier field whether you have permission to hit them; or
  • Refuse the offerings of the waterbearers.

An Tir: DO NOT

  • Use more checky fabric in your garb than your station allows;
  • Let your passport lapse; or
  • Tell the Baronies of Madrone or Three Mountains that the other was founded first.

Calontir:  DO NOT

  • Express dislike of camping events;
  • Mention that you really hate singing; or
  • Have a persona from post-1400.

Northshield: DO NOT

  • Disparage hotdish;
  • Complain about the cold; or
  • Attempt to go off script from the Boke of Ceremonies

Trimaris: DO NOT

  • Suggest that an event be held at a hotel;
  •  Object to alligators in your lakes and swimming pools; or
  •  Make Dukes adhere to the rules of the list or Kingdom law.

Lochac:  DO NOT

  • Pretend as though the Order of Precedence actually matters;
  • Claim your kingdom owns Ynys Rhew (Antarctica); or
  • Make sheep jokes about the other half of the Kingdom.

Over the next several weeks, our roving reporters in the various Kingdoms will continue to compile the most notable unwritten “community standards.”  We will continue to provide this important service for as long as the Board keeps trying to enforce this utterly ridiculous and frankly insulting ruling.