BARONY OF DARKWOOD, THE WEST – For the last three months, the Knowne World has been on pins and needles as the effects of the “Alligator Incident” of Pennsic 49 rippled outwards. The SCAllion has reported on this incident extensively. Now, in this latest chapter of the ongoing saga, a class action libel lawsuit has been filed in the Superior Court of California, Santa Carla County, against the SCA, Inc. and several individuals involved in the issuing of sanctions against the lifeguards and watch personnel involved in the Alligator Incident.
The lead plaintiff has now been identified as Robin of Sundered Oak, resident of Æthelmearc, the lifeguard who tried to stop a Duke from bringing alligators to swim in the lake at Pennsic and was sanctioned by the Board of Directors for his enforcement of the rules. According to court filings, Robin and the other lifeguards and safety personnel similarly situated are seeking damages for published statements on the part of Reginbold Strubel, the Society Earl Marshal at the time of the incident and the initial issuer of sanctions, Merione Ferquair of Melby as the spokesperson for the Board of Directors, Board member Leon de Paris, Society Seneschal Gepheffray de la Bourdonnaye, and the Society for Creative Anachronism itself. The suit alleges that these defendants recklessly published false statements about the incident, about Robin, and about the lifeguards and watch personnel at Pennsic, including the claim that Robin had violated the community standards of the Society, as well as negative statements about the effectiveness and integrity of the safety staff at Pennsic.
The SCAllion will follow the news of this lawsuit very closely over the coming months.
PS: Jaws tells us we have to say that this is a fictional satire intended to make a point, and that no lawsuit actually has been filed against anyone. Nor is The SCAllion suggesting that a lawsuit could or should be filed.
PPS: Jaws also suggests we mention that, if you go to Santa Carla looking for a courthouse, watch out for the vampires.
BARONY-MARCHE OF DEBATABLE LANDS, ÆTHELMEARC — To a certain group of women in the SCA, status is everything. These women all run in the same circles. Their significant others attend the same tournaments, they attend the same Laurel meetings, and, in the summer, they all head to Pennsic, an event that embodies a complete concentration of SCA power and privilege. This year will be no exception, but the star power of these medieval luminaries will, for the first time, be showcased for the modern world; Pennsic 50 will play host to a Bravo camera crew, there to film a new, exciting series: The Real Duchesses of Pennsic.
The franchise, which follows the supposedly-real housewives from such centers of wealth as Orange County, California, and New York City, takes a look at another privileged group of women known for displaying their big personalities, luxurious garb, and elaborate camps. Among them are the spouses and girlfriends of multiple-tournament winners, shameless rhino-hiders, and knights made good. The cast is varied, but not particularly diverse; they are made up of five attractive, straight, white women from five kingdoms within the Knowne World.
The SCAllion asked. Find out how the other half lives:
Her Grace, Duchess Adolana of Strasbourg, former Queen of Ealdormere
Bio: A two-time queen of the kingdom of Ealdormere in its early days, this formidable dowager is a much beloved institution within the hearts of the loyal populace. Although seemingly graceful and generous during the hot Pennsic days, word has reached The SCAllion that she lets her inner wild-child out to play during the nights.
Tagline: “In the politics of SCA royal peerages, I always win the popular vote.”
Her Grace, Duchess Pierozza Parmesiniof Calontir Bio: Fresh off the progress of her second reign, Duchess Pierozza is known as much for her beauty as her penchant for non-persona garb. She might look Norse, but when it comes to the Pennsic social scene, she embodies the intrigue and glamor of the Italian renaissance.
Tagline: “I’m not just a fighter’s lady with a taste for somewhat appropriative summertime garb – I’m a legend.”
Her Grace, Duchess Sandrine Babiloine of Atenveldt
Bio: A three time queen who has ruled alongside three different kings, Duchess Sandrine causes a stir at every event she attends. It’s rumored that she’s going to be on the lookout for her next King ahead of Atenveldt’s summer crown tournament in late September. She has been overheard saying, “All those other inspirations better lock up their fighters!”
Tagline: “I have a taste for power and power has a taste for me.”
Her Excellency Countess Sile inghen Connoghor of the Outlands
Bio: Although she has only been queen once, Countess Sile runs with the other duchesses on the strength of her rigid control over her kingdom’s Laurel community. Under her influence, the Laurels of the Outlands have admitted only three people to their ranks in the last decade. Though many complaints about the Countess’ sway have emerged over the years, she takes it all in stride and does not let it bother her.
Tagline: “I never feel guilty about preserving our integrity; we don’t let in just anybody. If being a gatekeeper is so wrong, why does it feel so right?”
Her Grace, Duchess Johanna ffeyrmayden of Æthelmearc
Bio: Celebrated as the uncrowned queen of Pennsic since she debuted in the royal role over five years ago. Partying with this duchess at Pennsic is considered to be a sign that a member of the populace has arrived, socially. Always fun, always where the mead is, and always ready to jump into a Bardic circle with original songs, sensation and scandal follow wherever Duchess Johanna goes.
Tagline: “Pennsic is my playground and when evening arrives, I’m the real King of the Castle.”
Although Duchess Adolana was almost certainly recruited due to her connections to other royal peers throughout the Knowne World, the same sense of grace is not usually attributed to the other Duchesses. One can hardly forget about the amateur adult film that was released online following Pennsic 42. Although the performers could not be immediately identified, the Pennsic site and the royal regalia they wore was more than enough to reveal the lackluster performers were then-King Adalbret Clobeloch and his queen, Duchess Sandrine. While Adalbret earned an R&D over the incident, Duchess Sandrine had, by that time, moved on to her current paramour, Duke Thebald Valret, who is said to have exercised his influence to help her evade any society-imposed consequences.
Duchesses Johanna and Pierozza are also no strangers to controversy stirred up at Pennsic. The entire site was inundated with gossip after a seemingly private conversation was leaked. The topic of the leaked gossip was Countess Sile, the duchesses’ remarks on her lower title, her allegedly inauthentic garb, and her inability to admit anybody lacking at least one PhD into her kingdom’s broken branch of the Order of the Laurel. Though news of this gossip mildly offended the Countess, it was their harsh commentary of her oft-performed free-verse poem, entitled “Healing”, that she performs at every bardic circle she comes across, that ended up transforming the countess into the Drama Queen. Duchess Pierozza was overheard to remark, “That poem is not even remotely medieval in subject, language, or form. I’m pretty sure she wrote it in therapy.”
“No shit – and talk about cringy,” Duchess Johanna is said to have responded, “No need for firewood! The fire could be fuelled entirely by second-hand embarrassment. I feel sorry for her.”
Although the two deny it, they are credited with referring to the poem, which lasts for approximately 15 agonizing, soul-crushing minutes, as “the universally recognized death-throes of the bardic circle.”
It is reported that Countess Sile had her revenge when the QR code for Duchess Johanna’s previously private OnlyFans elbow-fetish site was painstakingly painted onto the portajohns. “F*ck with a Laurel, will they?!?” Countess Sile was purportedly heard to mutter, “I can paint detailed, photorealistic QR codes IN MY SLEEP!”
Given the established notoriety these Duchesses have earned at past Pennsic Wars, The SCAllion looks forward to seeing how they plan to top their current reputations.
BARONY OF PONTE ALTO, ATLANTIA: Last night, The SCAllion’s top-secret inside source at the Board of Directors’ meeting, known only as “Deep Gorget,” summoned this reporter to a clandestine meeting in a small park behind a strip mall in the Barony of Ponte Alto. At that meeting, between long bouts of chain smoking, Deep Gorget revealed that the repeated questions from the populace about the Board’s procedures and lack of transparency are beginning to take their toll. “The heat is on,” Deep Gorget explained. When I asked what they meant, Deep Gorget replied, “Since people started questioning the sanctions arising from the alligator incident, I’m seeing temper tantrums in the corporate offices, a lot of vague-booking that isn’t nearly vague enough, and a sharp increase in orders of Xanax.”
Deep Gorget then gave this reporter screenshots of a stunning series of texts and emails in which Board of Directors members complained about members of the populace questioning their judgment. In one particularly shocking email, Duchess Merione Ferquair of Melby wrote, “I can’t believe these peasants are complaining about us again! Don’t they know all the things we do are for their own good? Why, if we didn’t allow alligators to swim at Pennsic, we could be sued for discrimination! We know things about the alligator problem that they don’t know and they just need to believe us and shut up.”
In a recent text to Board Chairman Duke Nigel Henteloue, apparently written and sent during the recent streamed meeting, Duchess Merione was even more pointed. “These churls are infuriating! So much complaining! Why don’t they go eat some damn cake and leave us alone!?”
When asked for comment on these communications, Deep Gorget looked over their shoulders, lit another cigarette, and said, “Forget the myths that the media’s created about Royal Peers and the BoD. The truth is, these are not very bright folks, and things got out of hand.”
This reporter had many questions about repeated references in the leaked internal Board communications about “125 out of 25,000.” Does it refer to 125 complaints about alligators? Is it 125 lawsuits settled without disclosure to the populace? Does it refer to the number of complaints about men in houppelandes made in Meridies as a result of Tennessee’s new laws? Deep Gorget was not helpful. “You’ll have to figure it out on your own,” they said. When I objected to being strung along, Deep Gorget replied, “No, I have to do this my way. You tell me what you know, and I’ll confirm. I’ll keep you in the right direction if I can, but that’s all. Just…follow the money.”
BARONY OF STORVIK, KINGDOM OF ATLANTIA – It has been revealed through a Freedom of Information Act request that the IRS embedded an agent in the Society for Creative Anachronism from 2018 to 2020 to determine if it should retain its not-for-profit tax status. After realizing it had received over 12 complaints in its 50-year history, an agent was chosen from the ranks based on a past history of infiltration of similar groups. According to the FOIA, the agent had previously spent six months in the Knights of Columbus and it was deemed ‘close enough for government work.’ All agents’ names were redacted in the report.
In an interagency investigation, a Department of the Treasury agent was also assigned to the Society in response to the network of bank accounts it controls. The two agents were embedded first at Gulf Wars as two wandering bards, but were so uncomfortable with the amount of hostility at their filk of The Village People’s song “YMCA” that they decided to go as something they knew, and infiltrated the Knowne World Exchequer’s party at Pennsic War. They were accepted as new exchequers by the group and were quickly taught the exchequer policy by people in the Kingdom of Atlantia, where they both legally resided.
After six months, the IRS agent was serving his first term as baronial exchequer, while the Treasury agent was a deputy Kingdom Exchequer. According to the report, it was “such a natural fit that we decided to go where we could do the most good.” After serving most of a two-year term the IRS agent felt that they had gathered enough information to write their report. With COVID shutdowns starting, they both quietly slipped away from the Society.
In their final report, the agents noted that while the Society for Creative Anachronism did not perfectly live up to the rules of a 501(c)(3) organization, they were far better at it than the average evangelical charity. There was also a personal note from the Department of the Treasury agent that “The members of the Exchequer community are the hardest working people in the SCA. We should look at recruiting those with professional certifications into appropriate positions, as long as there would not be a conflict of interest with their SCA work.”
BARONY OF BODLINGTONE, KINGDOM OF BODLANDIA — In an unprecedented move, the united royalty of the Knowne World has presented a petition to the Board demanding that they standardize time across the entire SCA.
Queen Hanna Koretskaia, acting as spokesperson for the assembled Royals, explained: “As Pennsic negotiations started and, as usual, immediately began to break down, we started to search for common ground. Any common ground. And we realized that we did have at least one thing in common: we all hated Daylight Savings Time. It wasn’t just the Pennsic principal kingdoms either. We spoke to all the Crowns of all the kingdoms, and everyone agreed, Daylight Savings Time just plain sucks. So we decided to trash it. And in talking it through, we found another problem, time zones, so we decided to fix that, too.”
The SCAllion was able to review the petition, which adopts a novel solution for dealing with the Crowns’ concerns. The Crowns propose a single “time zone,” SCA Standard Time, or SST, which will be used for all Society for Creative Anachronism events worldwide. SST will have no adjustment for Daylight Savings Time, or anything else for that matter. It will also use exclusively 24-hour clocks, although it will retain US style date formatting, over the objections of Lochac and Drachenwald, with the North American kingdoms claiming that YY-MM-DD format just “looks weird.”
“It seemed like the obvious solution, really,” said Queen Hanna. “People can set their clocks, or one of their clocks, to SST and know what time events are scheduled for wherever they are, without having to worry about travelling across time zones or,” she paused to hack and spit, “Daylight Savings Time.”
When asked if there had been any difficulty in the negotiations, Queen Hanna replied, “Just one, really. Every Kingdom wanted their home time zone to be the one used for SST, which is why we eventually settled on UTC-12:00, which is used by nobody, but does include a couple of uninhabited islands claimed by the West, which means check-in for Pennsic will begin at 0900 7/28/2023 at 0100 SST. Simple.”
“Using SST will also help us to rectify some historical injustices,” said Queen Hanna. “For instance, the Barony of the Citadel of the Southern Pass will be able to join the kingdom of Ansteorra, since the only reason it was in the Outlands in the first place was due to it being in the Mountain time zone.”
BARONY OF ANGELS, CAID — In recent weeks, there have been increasingly vocal concerns about the appearance of bias and favoritism on the part of the Society for Creative Anachronism Board of Directors and Society Officers. People have started looking at the connections between officers at the corporate level, and the calls for transparency have gotten louder.
The SCAllion received a leak from several private parties of a draft statement in response to recent allegations of bias in their rulings, addressing the growing controversy.
“We, the Board of Directors of the Society for Creative Anachronism, wish to address the allegations levied against us in regards to bias in our recent rulings, including our affirmation of sanctions against the lifeguard at a recent Pennsic War. We want to point out that we cannot be biased, considering the number of Dukes and Duchesses who are currently serving on the Board. We even have a Knight who is NOT a Royal Peer. With this incredible depth of institutional knowledge, bias is virtually impossible. All these men and women strive to maintain impartiality in their rulings and judgments, and we believe our recent track record bears that out.”
The Society Earl Marshal, Conte Raynirolus de la Cavalla posted on his personal Facebook page: “The office of Society Earl Marshal is duty bound to maintain the safety of all members of the Society. It is my belief that the Board is doing its best to also hold true to these ideals. It is imperative that any violations of the rules and laws this office governs be dealt with swiftly and ruthlessly, and I feel we have done that in these recent cases.”
The conjunction of the personal statement with the leaked draft statement seemed suggestive to the newsroom, but no official connection could be found. The SCAllion attempted to reach the recently sanctioned Pennsic lifeguard for comment, but was promptly hung up on when asked about the sanctions.
BARONY OF DARKWOOD, THE WEST: In an unsurprising twist, the Board of Directors has reworked the requirements in Corpora for elevation to the Order of the Laurel. All new members must hold a PhD in history, art history, anthropology, or a related field. In addition, official transcripts must be submitted to the Order prior to elevation. Candidates must have at least ABD (All But Dissertation) standing prior to polling.
“This is absurd,” said Baroness Rhodmilla de Ghent, “I only have a Master’s degree, but twenty years of experience in the Society. Doesn’t that count for something?”
The new requirements come as standards in order to receive the accolade continue to rise. “It’s important that we continue to raise the bar,” said Society President Hadrian the Scholar. “With more and more people receiving graduate degrees today, now is our chance to really engage with the academic community and uphold our values as an educational organization.”
“I mean, what are Laurels but adjuncts anyway?” said Pennsic University Dean Magnifica Sofonisba Franco. “It’s time we hold ourselves to the same standards as real institutions. Including not paying them. We are all volunteers, after all.”
Laurels without the appropriate degrees will retain their peerages/positions on a legacy basis. Tenure track peerages are unavailable and contracts will be reviewed annually.
[Editor’s note: this special post for The Scallion was submitted by a reader. Typically, we do not bring in guest writers, but when this one managed to reach us via heavily laden European Swallow, we decided to publish it out of admiration to their sheer dedication.]
There is nothing quite like the feel of stones pressing through the soft leather of your shoes, or the wet, dewy feeling of waking up outside in the warmer months. Maybe you decided to participate in a pilgrimage for devout religious reasons, or maybe just to experience the open road before you, but the calling to leave home with little but a cloak and a seashelled hat is irresistible. Whether you’re walking the long road from Winchester to Canterbury or simply stalking the paths around Pennsic, you need a hearty, but easy to prepare meal that will fuel your expedition. But first, let me give you an extraordinarily long exposition that you’ve neither asked for, nor care to read.
I was first compelled to heed the call about a decade ago. It was not so much the voice of God speaking to me from above, but rather it was a desire to experience the monotony and boredom of walking for great distances in tremendously uncomfortable footwear under the blazing summer sun that spoke to me. It was a voice I knew all too well I could not ignore.
Unable to make the voyage to Europe, I contented myself to walk from one town in rural Calontir to another, entirely in 13th century garb, armed with a sword and buckler, a small pack, and a walking stick as often seen in manuscripts. I left at day break after a good night’s rest, making my way through the small downtown area where I immediately began asking strangers if they had any coin or food to spare. I was met with such incredulity, disdain and fearful glances that I knew I was experiencing something truly accurate. When a local sheriff stopped me to inquire about my sword, I had to declare, “Such bandits as may patrol these roads, dare I go unarmed? I would beset myself upon no innocent, but carry these weapons only that I might defend myself from tyrants and brigands who might do me harm!” After taking my ID, he seemed well satisfied and again I felt a truly medieval moment, having come under the persecution of a shire reeve.
[Editor’s note: we have edited this piece for brevity]
Ingredients:
Some small grains in your pouch A handful of dried fruit A hard crust of bread A bite of salted meat A swig of water
Time to prepare: Instantly
Preparation: Just eat them. You’re poor, can’t carry much and are largely at the mercy of whatever charity the benevolent souls you pass care to offer. You may well starve before you arrive so there is no point in letting these few victuals you possess to spoil. With any luck, maybe you’ll find a kindly abbey tomorrow. Or perhaps you’ll plod on with a grumbling stomach and hardly the energy to go on. But embrace the suffering! That’s why you’re on pilgrimage!
BARONY-MARCHE OF DEBATABLE LANDS, AETHELMEARC – In a stunning move which rocked the entire Pennsic War, Calontir quite literally rolled out onto the battlefield for the Field Battle this morning with a full battalion of Caterpillar D-9 bulldozers in lieu of their SCA-wide famous shield wall.
When asked for an explanation, Calontir King Thjothrekr Skulisson was quoted as saying “Yeah, well, we’re tired of just pretending. We did paint the striking falcon on all the plow blades. I just don’t know what everyone’s so upset about. Look, we’re here to have some fun.”
In response, Eastern King Lothgar, son of Corbus, was heard to say “Are you f***in’ kidding me? You know what? Fine. I’m from Jersey, I know some guys. We got this.” When pressed, King Lothgar wouldn’t expand on his statement except to say, “You’ll see. I got some ‘special help’ on the way. You’ll see.” Speculation is currently running rampant throughout the camp regarding what the Eastern king meant with his cryptic reply.
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